Hi. This is my UC essay for the second prompt. Can you give me advice on how to make it better?
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
During the final's match of the Kumdo Championship, my opponent and I quickly shift our feet back and forth in the arena, looking for an opening to attack. In a Kumdo match, receiving a single blow ends the match, so I must stay alert the whole time. As I fight, I hear my opponent's friends cheering for her. Suddenly, I hear my dad cheer for me. Since his voice is the loudest by far, even the basketball players on the other side of the gym are startled and drop their balls, shocked at such a loud voice. My dad's voice is louder than three of my opponent's friends combined, and I feel more energized to compete. I eventually maneuver so that I am face to face with my opponent; I give off a yell, only a few inches from her left ear, and she turns her face away. In a fraction of a second, I strike the winning blow and earn the final, tie-breaking point that makes me the winner of the girls' division of the North American Kumdo Championship.
Kumdo, which literally means "the way of the sword," is a martial arts sport that emphasizes developing inner strength and maintaining a calm mind and a pure attitude at all times. Mastering Kumdo requires dedication for perfection in "ki-kum-chae," a technique synchronizing the yell, the sword, and body movements. Since fifth grade, I have trained at least three times a week and have competed in tournaments from California to New Jersey and Pennsylvania.
When I go to a tournament, I get pumped up to face my opponents even before the basic warm-up exercises begin. At the beginning of my first match, I let out my loudest, most intimidating yell. I am known for my "dinosaur shriek," the kind that rings in people's ears for a long time. Many referees in the LA tournaments know my yell and comment, since it is loud and unique, "Oh, that's Grace An from the Silicon Valley."
In every match, I watch each of my opponent's moves carefully and quickly analyze the patterns in their attacks. By observing their moves, I can anticipate what they might do next. Strength and speed are crucial to winning. I use a variety of motions so my opponents won't be able to predict my next moves or figure out my unique style. Sometimes the matches may last up to twenty minutes if they go into overtime, but I keep going and fight until I get that final point to win the match.
Through participating in this exciting sport of Kumdo, I display another side of me, a fearless, "in-your-face," loud side that most people don't know. They think of me as a quiet, shy student, but winning at Kumdo has made me strong and proud of the confidence and skill I have developed, which has, in turn, shown me that I can do everything with confidence.
Please give any suggestions that would make this essay better.
Criticism is welcome. Thank you!
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
During the final's match of the Kumdo Championship, my opponent and I quickly shift our feet back and forth in the arena, looking for an opening to attack. In a Kumdo match, receiving a single blow ends the match, so I must stay alert the whole time. As I fight, I hear my opponent's friends cheering for her. Suddenly, I hear my dad cheer for me. Since his voice is the loudest by far, even the basketball players on the other side of the gym are startled and drop their balls, shocked at such a loud voice. My dad's voice is louder than three of my opponent's friends combined, and I feel more energized to compete. I eventually maneuver so that I am face to face with my opponent; I give off a yell, only a few inches from her left ear, and she turns her face away. In a fraction of a second, I strike the winning blow and earn the final, tie-breaking point that makes me the winner of the girls' division of the North American Kumdo Championship.
Kumdo, which literally means "the way of the sword," is a martial arts sport that emphasizes developing inner strength and maintaining a calm mind and a pure attitude at all times. Mastering Kumdo requires dedication for perfection in "ki-kum-chae," a technique synchronizing the yell, the sword, and body movements. Since fifth grade, I have trained at least three times a week and have competed in tournaments from California to New Jersey and Pennsylvania.
When I go to a tournament, I get pumped up to face my opponents even before the basic warm-up exercises begin. At the beginning of my first match, I let out my loudest, most intimidating yell. I am known for my "dinosaur shriek," the kind that rings in people's ears for a long time. Many referees in the LA tournaments know my yell and comment, since it is loud and unique, "Oh, that's Grace An from the Silicon Valley."
In every match, I watch each of my opponent's moves carefully and quickly analyze the patterns in their attacks. By observing their moves, I can anticipate what they might do next. Strength and speed are crucial to winning. I use a variety of motions so my opponents won't be able to predict my next moves or figure out my unique style. Sometimes the matches may last up to twenty minutes if they go into overtime, but I keep going and fight until I get that final point to win the match.
Through participating in this exciting sport of Kumdo, I display another side of me, a fearless, "in-your-face," loud side that most people don't know. They think of me as a quiet, shy student, but winning at Kumdo has made me strong and proud of the confidence and skill I have developed, which has, in turn, shown me that I can do everything with confidence.
Please give any suggestions that would make this essay better.
Criticism is welcome. Thank you!
