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'the last United Way meeting' - Georgetown General



dylanpreston123 2 / 3  
Jan 4, 2012   #1
At the last United Way meeting we had listened to a guest speaker for an organization called CASA, a group whose efforts were dedicated to attempting to clean up a once very nice, humble Hispanic neighborhood in my city. I had convinced my friends to sign up for the project because I was tired of volunteering at the Scholastic Book Fair, not realizing the impact the project would have on me. I had never been to her neighborhood and felt I should see that part of Lubbock. I had pulled up to the location where I was going to volunteer at that day, a dilapidated building that looked like it had been neglected for quite some time. The metal sides were rusted; the parking lot was barely visible due to the grass and dirt covering it. It was eight o'clock in the morning, and it was time to get started.

I stepped out and nervously looked around and walked over to a group of friends and other teenagers. I took a deep breath, smelling something inviting in the air. I looked to my left, seeing the woman speaker handing out homemade breakfast burritos and small containers full of dark red salsa with a friendly smile spanning her face. We all ate a quick but very delicious breakfast full of good food and orange juice and began to work. I took a wheel barrel and a shovel, and made my way to the parking lot, while others worked on other parts of the building. Members of the community flooded to lend a helping hand and an intimidating man who stood about six foot four inches tall with tattoos down his arms had decided to assist me in shoveling a foot of dirt that concealed the pavement below.. He said his name was Ramón but all of his friends called him Ray. We started to work, and with an extra set of very large hands the work went by much quicker. Ray and I began to talk and I had learned that he grew up in the neighborhood, and had seen it descend from a nice well-respected Lubbock community to a thing of past, and wanted to restore it to its former glory.

Before I knew it, it was twelve o'clock. We all took a step back to admire our work. The parking lot was no longer a field, the building had been resided and the panels of rust had been removed. The stone and the concrete that had been stained black were washed clean and now shined in the glow of the sun. The entrance to the neighborhood was no longer a sign to stay away but a symbol of kindness and hope for the revival of the neighborhood. I had been scared and hesitant to sign up for the project but will never forget the experience as I learned about a diverse community where I helped make a difference.

This experience has led me to the realization that not everyone lives like others, and to fully understand a diverse community one must jump in and become involved with all walks of life. During my first experience I felt out of place but since then I have had the opportunity to see how people live and thrive in different places and communicate with them whether they be fisherman from a small village called Yakatat, Alaska to a heart surgeon who graduated from Harvard.

At Georgetown, there are many different kinds of people, and one must not intimidated by them in order to obtain a quality education of higher learning. Taking what I have learned from this experience I could become very involved by organizing and participating in activities such as volunteering in areas of Washington, D.C. or just having a meet and greet so students can interact with each other, become friends, and make connections in the diverse community that is Georgetown University.

Jennyflower81 - / 674  
Jan 5, 2012   #2
Hi, I can point out a few thing yo may want to edit:

I had convinced my friends to sign up for the project because I was tired of volunteering at the Scholastic Book Fair, not realizing the impact the project would have on me. Maybe you should re-word this sentence-- "because I was tired..." could be re-phrased to sound more positive.

Nice description in your introduction, good job with this.

We all ate a quick but very delicious breakfast full of good food and orange juice and began to work. "We all..." --you could change these words to sound less casual.

I took a wheel barrel and a shovel, and made my way to the parking lot, while others worked on other parts of the building. You say the word "other" twice in one sentence, consider a synonym for this word.

Members of the community floodedin to lend a helping hand and an intimidating man who stood about six foot four inches tall with tattoos down his arms had decided to assist me in shoveling a foot of dirt that concealed the pavement below. You could say "converged" instead of "flooded in". Also, it would sound better if you say these things in 2 sentences instead of one.

Taking what I have learned from this experience I could become very involved by organizing and participating in activities such as volunteering in areas of Washington, D.C. or just having a meet and greet so students can interact with each other, become friends, and make connections in the diverse community that is Georgetown University. This sentence would be easier to read if it was broken up into a few simpler sentences.

You have a very good paper, interesting topic. Very descriptive.
aroj93 1 / 3  
Jan 5, 2012   #3
Hi there,

You paint a picture with the way you describe things in your writing. Vivid and to the point which makes it an enjoyable piece to read.

I agree with Jennyflower81 that the word "tired" could be replaced with something that gives you more of a positive outlook. Perhaps expand on that you were just generally hungry to do something different-you weren't sure as to what it was but you were ready for a change. This kind of subtly puts that you were "tired" of it but also makes you seem more energetic towards progression.

"We all ate a quick but very delicious breakfast full of good food and orange juice and began to work". To me it sounds awkward because you sort of complimented the food twice here. You said it was very delicious and then restated that the breakfast consisted of good food. I'm not quite sure if I explained it right, but it just stuck out as awkward to me, perhaps reword it.

All in all, you seem to have written about not only an interesting topic but more importantly an experience that you have learned from. You convey that nicely and tie everything together well with your descriptions of the scenery and the genuine passion that you seem to have put into this project.

Please take out a minute or two of your time and review/critique my essay in which I had hoped to complete by today but unfortunately can not happen :( I pasted it below for you :). Good luck with the rest of your processes :)


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