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'you don't want to be late for your first day' - UC PROMPT1

parker 4 / 16  
Nov 17, 2011   #1
hello, everyone. I want to apply for Berkerly, and this is my uc prompt essay.
hope you be harsh to the essay, thx. Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

"Son, you don't want to be late for your first day!" My mother nudged me while I was still snoring. My daydream was interrupted, and I suddenly remember that it was my first day at American school. Nervous yet excited, I rushed to school bus after breakfast, all the way planning to impress the "new world". My reveries, however, shattered because hardly could I complete a full sentence in English, nor could I understand what others said. I came to school with hope but returned with disappointment.

"What can I do with a shattered dream?" I asked my parents. Under the dim light out of apartment my parents were trying to persuade me that although the first step was difficult, I could conquer it. I did not capture their meaning. Father, seeing my bewilderment, told me his childhood story. He was a typical rural person who had never seen the larger world than his growing-up town until seventeen. Daunted by outside prosperity, teased by others on his small stature, my father thought to return. His innate dream, which was to become a lawyer, however, impelled him to persevere in professions. Eventually, with great determination, he became a distinguished jurist.

After the story, he further stated "I told you my story because you need to cheer up. Your life is much better than mine. With a goal, just go to explore it. I knew you dreamed to speak fluent English; tear is not the way to your dream, but hard working surely would be". Being unable to communicate, I still felt depressed. But everyday mother taught me vocabulary, teaching me from A, B, C and my tongue suffering from pain. Everyday I learned addition and subtraction principles after school, embracing English-written formula. Everyday I managed to talk with classmates and teachers, listening to their pronunciation and smelling the scent of their acclamation to me. Everyday I returned home at last, feeling tired but, meanwhile, satisfied。

For the first time I started to speak English in a confident manner after several torturing weeks. For the first time I realized that life could be colorful if the initial dream broke down. For the first time I found that a shattered dream would rebuild. Several months later, returning China, I spoke most native English and read fastest in class.

I could not kindle the extinct dream deep in heart without my world: parents. They encouraged me with their uplifting stories whenever I met trouble; they studied with me together to show that determination leads to success and they took me to churches, rendering all possible places for me to practice. My vocabulary now has two words: determination and hard-working, for they have shaped my father's dreams, and mine.

OP parker 4 / 16  
Nov 18, 2011   #2
thx! Do you think the topic or content is okay for uc application?
beccalevesque - / 45  
Nov 18, 2011   #3
yes, because you show how your family has influenced and shaped the way you will pursue your dreams and aspirations..and that is, through determination and hardwork. You could add that in there too if you want. :) best of luck
Kitty403 - / 6  
Nov 18, 2011   #4
In the beginning, your writing goes from past tense then to present tense. Might want to change it to "I suddenly rememberED"
ketalthedon 1 / 7  
Nov 19, 2011   #5
good essay by the way.the change of tenses and use of dialogue makes it very lively just follow beccalevesque's corrections and you'll be fine.
blueshore 3 / 47  
Nov 19, 2011   #6
This is very good! I like the fact that you illustrate your parents help. Basically tenses like being unable to communicate.
should be "still unable"

remove the meanwhile "satisfied"

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