'The law of attraction' NYU short essay 2012-2013- What intrigues you?

What intrigues you? Tell about one work of art, scientific achievement, piece of literature, method of communication, or place in the wood ( a film, book, performance, website, event, location, ect) and explain its significance to you.

I closed my eyes,took a deep breath, and imagined. Some people acknowledge that there might be a natural law; the law of attraction in which the universe is directed. A person can attract into his life the experiences, situations, events, and people that " match the frequency " of the person's thoughts and feelings. Therefore positive thinking can bring increased health,happiness,and wealth. I believe that if we as humans live by this law we can transform our lives. I wanted a guitar so I decided that I would test this theory I made a collage of pictures of the kind of guitar I wanted. Everyday I'd take time to think about the guitar. I would imagine the feeling of the pick sliding of off the strings. The feeling in my fingers as they moves down the finger board. The sound of vibration as it traveled from the guitar to my body. I would take time out my day to reflect on what I wanted and I give grace to things I already had. I continued to do this for a period of time and soon after I received the guitar as a Christmas gift. Although it wasn't the exact guitar I had imagined it was very similar. How did my patents know that I wanted the guitar I hadn't shared my new interest in music to anyone yet somehow they were able to get the gift.

This is good! I think it really gives an insight into your personality. However I feel like the ending is unfinished. In my opinion, I would have liked to see you wrap it up a little more instead of leaving it open ended. That may be what you were going for though.

Third sentence: after "match the frequency" I would say his instead of saying the person's.
Fourth sentence: I would eliminate the " therefore". It keeps the tone the same as the third sentence.

i like it =) but the ending seems incomplete..and there's a spelling error.."How did my patents " - "parents"

I need help on how to end the essay help please.

Maybe try by moving from " I closed my eyes..." Straight to the sentence that says "I wanted a guitar..". Except eliminate the part that says " I decided I would test this theory"

Then move the part about natural law to the end. Kind of revers the order of things.

Interesting essay, but I'm not sure it's entirely logical. What if your parents saw the collage or something? I might add a sentence about how it's not entirely the reason they got you a guitar, as you might seem a little strange to the adcom (no offense, just looking from an outside perspective).

Also, sorry if everything is kind of messed up with the red and crossed out things, this formatting is a pain to use. I hope you get the just of my changes.

Yes you bring up a very good point. Should I take the part about the collage out? What is a possible ideas for the sentence explaining that it's not the entire reason why I reseved the guitar?

Why you did what to the guitar? Reserved?

Much better! Strong ending! What do you think of my Yale essay?