'leadership, dedication, optimism, and curiosity' - Why Stony Brook?

I am applying to Stony Brook and the prompt is: Briefly state why you are considering Stony Brook University.

"Why Stony Brook?"

It's a question I've been asked a lot lately- at Christmas parties and family get-togethers, so I like to think I've gotten good at answering, mostly because I'm not faking it; I am passionate and excited about SUNY Stony Brook.

When I visited Stony Brook in the fall, I was cautiously excited. I expected to visit a nice school with a good physics' program, but I found so much more.

The turning point for me between liking Stony Brook and loving the school was meeting with Dr. Deshpande, the director of undergraduate studies for physics and astronomy.

To be honest, I was terrified about meeting him. I thought I was in for twenty-minutes of a busy professor berating me on taking time out of his busy schedule. What I discovered was a compassionate friendly role-model, who had achieved everything I hope to accomplish, and was willing to give me the insider advice.

Dr. Deshpande isn't a tour guide or admissions officer, who's paid to make the Seawolves look good, but you don't have put on a masquerade to make Stony Brook appear exceptional, because it genuinely is.

As a research university, a lot of the professors perform research. For the physics' department this means many professors hold positions at both Stony Brook and Brookhaven. With Brookhaven only 18 minutes away, Stony Brook is an aspiring elementary particle researcher's Nirvana. Stony Brook is my first choice. My leadership, dedication, optimism, and curiosity would add to Stony Brook.

Thanks for the advice.

It's a question I've been asked a lot lately, at Christmas parties and family get-togethers, so I like to think I've gotten good at answering, mostly because I'm not faking it; I am passionate and excited about SUNY Stony Brook.

The turning point for me between liking Stony Brook and loving it, was meeting with Dr. Deshpande, the director of undergraduate studies for physics and astronomy.

I thought I was in for twenty-minutes of a busy professor berating me for taking time out of his busy schedule.

What I discovered, was a compassionate friendly role-model, who had achieved everything I hope to accomplish, and was willing to give me the insider advice.

Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

To be honest, I was terrified about meeting him. -- just be straightforward there

Dr. Deshpande isn't a tour guide or admissions officer, who's paid to make the Seawolves look good -- be careful about this phrase; it sounds like you're taking a stab at admissions officers, which isn't a good idea for a college admissions essay

Stony Brook is my first choice. -- Seems a little out of place; maybe you could put it in the first paragraph

But other than that, you seem to know Stony Brook very well! Best of luck!

Seems like you know Stony Brook very well!
"My leadership, dedication, optimism, and curiosity would add to Stony Brook."-- I think maybe you should add some specific info about your leadership, dedication, optimism and curiosity..

Good luck!