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"we need to learn how to think" -comm



nemesis01 2 / 7  
Dec 13, 2009   #1
hi guys, plz look into my essay and tell me if it sounds alright.I would be very thankful to you.
Here goes.
'If an all-powerful, all-knowing God existed, why wouldn't he show himself to all of us?' I asked my Maulvi Sahib (read: religious instructor) when I was a little over four and before I knew it, he slapped me and ordered me to ask for forgiveness. The instructor called my mother and admonished her that these questions could one day amount to me becoming an apostate. Back home, my mother warned me against uttering such atheistic questions. I promised but my question lingered on.

I was born inquisitive, but when my father remarked at my question about why a pan of water eventually evaporated that what I needed to comprehend the answer was at least a brain 10 years more mature, I also became answer seeking (does this example sound too superficial?). As I grew up, only my questions became more complex. Before I used to wonder about why people in South Pole do not hang down from ground but now I deliberate over why the square of the time period is proportional to the cube of the body which is in circular motion. Somewhere along the way I found that the answer to the latter question is the same as the answer to my childhood question that somewhere a supreme being wants us to believe in him by seeing the perfection all around him not because some grim old man wants us to. I consider myself fortunate that I believe in God because my mind has convinced me of the presence of a supreme being.

Living in a society where asking questions about religion is considered a taboo, I have always been scorned for questioning religious values (does questioning religious values sound like something bad?). I was once being impressed upon by my uncle of the importance of keeping a beard to a young Muslim to which I retorted that Islam might contain beard but a beard does not contain Islam and I had difficulty imagining God kicking people in hell because they shaved their facial hair. Make no mistakes reader: I am a proud and committed Muslim. I believe in Allah but I do not believe in praying five times a day just to make a show of piety. I unreservedly support Jihad as in standing against what is wrong but I also believe that denouncing the self-styled Mujahideens who kill innocent people is the best Jihad. I consider performing Salah (prayers) to be equally rewarded by God whether it is said in Shalwar Kameez or Pants and a shirt.

I do not consider the people of my country to be lacking, whether intellectually or morally. We respect our elders, are extremely hospitable to our guests, care for our next-door neighbor who might be facing financial hardship while getting his daughter married and give away our pocket money so that the maids in our homes can pay his son's school fees while still managing straight A* average and achieving world distinctions. However, I do believe that we need to learn how to think critically and not take everything for granted. After obtaining my degree, I want to come back and help the people of my country to over come that little problem so they can become quintessential citizens.(does this ending sound too preachy,boring and self absorbed?)

IntlIndian /  
Dec 13, 2009   #2
Hey, I'm a bit confused what is the essay prompt?
The examples sound fine but maybe you can expand on them a bit?
Also i'm not too sure this sentence is going to go down well with American readers - I unreservedly support Jihad as in standing against what is wrong but I also believe that denouncing the self-styled Mujahideens who kill innocent people is the best Jihad.

If you're not saying that you support Jihad then I think you should revise this sentence.. or maybe you could just leave out Jihad? Sensitive topic..

The end sounds fine but it would be better if you specify what you want to do..
OP nemesis01 2 / 7  
Dec 13, 2009   #3
Yes I was thinking along the same lines about the ending. but what I want to say is that Jihad does not mean to kill people. It means to stand up against anything wrong but I do not think that the mujahideens are actually standing against anything wrong , on the contrary, they are creating a wrong.Dunno how to get that across. Could you tell me how to phrase it?

n thanyou so much for your help
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Dec 15, 2009   #4
Beautiful. You are doing very well. I'll add some commas:
... a little over four, and before I knew it he had s lapped me and ordered me to ask for forgiveness.

Another comma:
I promised, b ut my question lingered on.

I was born inquisitive; When I was young, I asked my father why a pan of water eventually evaporated, and my father remarked that what I needed to comprehend the answer was a brain at least ten years more mature. This was when I decided to become an answer-seeking individual. ---> this way, it does not sound superficial. It was unclear before.

It is probably not good to question the "values," because values are generally about love and positive regard. You can write: I have always been scorned for questioning religions dogma. "Dogma" is different from values.
OP nemesis01 2 / 7  
Dec 16, 2009   #5
Thanks Kevin. That was pretty encouraging but my Guidance counsellor was very unapproving of the essay and asked me to never send it in a hundred years. Sp I guess I may have to write it again.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Dec 19, 2009   #6
What were her criticisms about it?


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