'learning about different cultures' - UMich Short Answer-Diversity

"We know that diversity makes us a better university ï better for learning, for teaching, and for conducting research." Share an experience through which you have gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. Comment on how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University of Michigan. (approx 250 words)

"Here we are at the Favelas. Please do not take any photographs." As I stepped onto the large muddy stones that tiled the grounds of these steep cliffs, I was greeted by a few dark-skinned men hoping to sell their handcrafted artwork. I politely smiled and focused on the rectangular apartment-looking structures that stacked on top of one another like bricks. Near the power lines, there were intricate tangles of stolen electrical wires spider-webbed into hundreds of these homes. Up the steep inclination of the road were dwellers in tattered shirts along with the venerated drug dealers who literally controlled the guns of the streets. I was right in the heart of the Brazilian slums.

Directly below the cliffs was the affluent city of Rio de Janeiro, which accommodated the most luxurious apartments and beautiful beaches in Brazil. I was stunned: I saw the image of an enormous gap between wealth and poverty all within one turn of a head. However, it was the Favelas that I was mainly interested in. Despite their destitution, the residents were able to establish communities; they had their own divisions of social statuses, education, and shared values and beliefs. In essence, it was the perseverance to thrive that kept these seemingly falling apart societies together.

From this experience, I have come to value the importance of learning about different cultures. My addition to University of Michigan can help others see the world as flexibly as I do: appreciate cultures and respect people's lifestyles. I learned that it is character that builds the foundation of people, not their tangible aspects. I want to pass on this message so others can obtain mutual respect for diversity. Only this time, I will not just observe, but instead make the difference.

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Currently, this short answer is 293 words. The requirement is approximately 250 words. Is there any need to delete, and if so, is there any way I could combine sentences or delete a word here and there to get closer to the suggestion?

Also, any other feedback is appreciated.

Thanks so much!

I really like it your descriptions are very detailed and make the essay very interesting and easy for the reader to read. My only suggestion is would be to drop the senctence "Only this time, I will not just observe, but instead make the difference." i feel that you answered the prompt when you said that would pass the knowledge on to other people so unless you plan on describing what you plan to do to make a difference you should take that part out because it weakens your ending a bit.

its just a suggestion hope it kinda helped.

If you could read my essays and suggest some things in return i would really appreciate it.

The essay flows well, and that's a good thing. And i know that you have a word limit, so there isn't much more you can do.

What puzzles me is how one visual experience without others in which you actually participated can make that much difference. These kinds of learnings are most typically cumulative--the first experience awakens, the next ones confirm the original thought, subsequent ones begin to change the core of who you are and how you perceive the world.

My reaction would be that this is a nice fluff piece designed to impress rather than inform.

Changed one last time! haha

"Here we are at the Favelas. Please do not take any photographs. That's our agreement with the drug dealers," warned the tour guide. As I stepped onto the large muddy stones that tiled the grounds of these steep cliffs, I was greeted by a few dark-skinned men hoping to sell their handcrafted artwork. I politely smiled and turned to the rectangular, apartment-looking structures that stacked on top of one another like bricks. Connected to the power lines were intricate tangles of stolen electrical wires spider-webbed into hundreds of these homes. Up the steep inclination of the road were dwellers in tattered shirts besides the venerated drug dealers who literally controlled the guns of the streets. I was right in the heart of the Brazilian slums.

Directly below the cliffs was the affluent city of Rio de Janeiro, which accommodated the most luxurious apartments and beautiful beaches of Brazil. I was stunned: I saw the image of an enormous gap between wealth and poverty all within one turn of my head. During the entire Brazilian trip, it was the Favelas that enriched me the most. Despite their destitution, the residents were able to establish communities with their own class distinctions, education, and values. In essence, it was the perseverance to thrive that kept these seemingly falling apart societies together.

This visit strengthened my beliefs towards cultural and social diversity and my respect for others' lifestyles. I learned that it is character that builds the foundation of people, not their tangible aspects. Even though different cultures may not live, speak, or think the same way, we all share a common bond as human beings who wish to lead meaningful lives.