I would be honored if anyone could take the time to read this draft of my nursing program personal statement. All feedback is greatly appreciated. I am especially unsure about the intro and conclusion.
The instructions are as follows:
Two-page Personal Statement, double spaced
Outline your professional goals and the reasons you wish to pursue the degree
I didn't always know what I wanted to do; growing up. Nursing was the farthest thing from my mind. I spent some time planning on becoming a teacher; mostly because I knew I could do it well.
[...]
Hello,
My edits and suggestions are below:
I didn't ( did not ) always know what I wanted to do;( semi colon not needed here) growing up. [...] to your program and a very successful Registered Nurse.
This is a great opener, I love the substance! It moved me and pressed on how smart you are and how you tried out different options in life until you found a fit.
While working in an animal hospital I developed an interest in the process of treating the injured and ill patients (despite the fact that those patients were four legged). I found myself fascinated with so many aspects of it; studying/researching/determing( determining) pathology, assisting in surgery, and discussing treatment plans with the owners. I learned so many things about myself as a person and (as) an employee that I had not been able to see previously. I react calmly and even thrive in high stress, visceral situations, for example. I also found that I could be very valuable when our clients became aggressive or emotional, due to an issue with their beloved pet, because I was able to comfort them.( When it came to an issue with my clients becoming emotional or aggressive due to their beloved pets, I was able to comfort them, I can be very valuable in this aspect.) These experiences eventually led to a moment of realization for me that I belonged in the health care field. After five years in the animal care field I resigned and focused on my new goals. ( End your paragraph here)
Since deciding that I wanted to pursue this career (in nursing) I have had the pleasure of speaking with many nurses, both active and retired, and they have only strengthened my desire to reach my goals. They speak of challenging, but rewarding experiences and have given me great advice. There are, of course, selfish reasons for wanting to become an RN also. I am attracted to the longevity of nursing as a career and look forward to the opportunity to continue to learn as the years go by. I am not one who wants to remain stagnant and do the same thing every day without growing or moving up. The variety is appealing also, as I am interested in learning more about many specialties ranging from geriatric to substance abuse nursing. A long-term goal of mine is to be able to one day become a nurse educator. Having had the been given the opportunity to train many co-workers(,) I have been told that I have a gift for explaining something in such a way that it is easily understood.
I would be remiss if I did not take this opportunity to discuss my GPA. While I have excellent scores from my more recent educational record, that is not the case for my first college attempt. Because of my indecisiveness and lack of direction, I allowed my grades to suffer. I never would have guessed that a decade later I would finally know what I was meant to do, but have to overcome the consequences of those mistakes. I humbly ask the admissions committee to focus on the commitment and diligence I have shown in my more recent college experience. I am fortunate to be at a time in my life that I have no other responsibilities than my education and am prepared to devote all of my energy into succeeding. During my tour of your university I was so impressed and have had the same impression with every interaction I have had with the counselors since( the visit). My only hope is that my hard work and determination will show and my dream of attending your incredible institution will become a reality.
Wow! Great essay! I made a few revisions, but overall I enjoyed reading this. Your opening is great, and your closing is honest and to the point. Your second paragraph I divided to keep the subjects on topic. Keep up the great work!