Lehigh Essay. What do you and Lehigh have in common?

Hey, I was wondering if someone could help me with this supplemental essay, It's a bit late so I would love to get feedback as soon as possible, I'm having some trobule finding a good way to link the second and the third paragraph, and also giving the essay a strong conclusion. P.S: I'm from Mexico

passion for football

My love for finances began when I was 13, my dad invited me to lunch with a friend of his, before leaving for lunch his friend offered to show us around his office inside the Mexican Stock Exchange. A new passion emerged in me, not because of the intensity the people working there had, but because I felt that the world's secrets were hidden in there. It seemed like people working there knew a different world that I didn't, and I was eager to find about it.

As I get older my passion only grows, everyday I'll go through a review of the stock indexes and world currencies using my Bloomberg mobile app feeling like a trader; but I know there are still thousands of secrets I haven't discovered, and to do so I'll need the best help possible. Enters Lehigh; with all the opportunities the school offers, it would impossible to graduate without knowing by then all the secrets those people at the Mexican Stock Exchange knew. Facilities such as Mountaintop or the Financial Services Lab, combined with beyond the classroom resources like a student-run investment portfolio or a summer internship at Calvin Klein in Hong Kong make me believe Lehigh and I have a great passion for implementing finances and non-traditional ways of learning into daily life.

And speaking of math and finances, few other things can be considered a universal language, for example art or food. But Lehigh and I share another one, passion for football. Even though it's for a different type of football, the passion is the same. Few things can compare to the atmosphere in a "El Clásico" match between America and Chivas or Mexico vs U.S, and I can imagine it's almost the same as being in a Lehigh-Lafayette game. Which is why I'm sure almost everyone at campus knows how good it feels to see your team beat it's biggest rival at home, a feeling I hope to experience at Lehigh, both for my football teams and the Mountain Hawks.

@alexgzm
Alejandro , here is the thing, you should be writing a straightforward comparison essay of the commonalities between you and the university that you have chosen to apply to. This is an introspective essay. For me, I think that this was not a recommended response to answer this type of question. Thus, my suggestion is that it is better for you to directly state the answer briefly in the beginning of your answer and elaborate / explain the details afterwards.The similarities between the two will come from the way that you share some ideologies with the school.

Alex, if you just combine the first and second paragraphs into a single opening statement that directly relates to the commonality between you and Lehigh then the essay will be tighter and more focused. I suggest you approach the first two statements in the following manner:

The world of the stock market is a secret world that I discovered over a lunch date with my father and his friend that ended up at the Mexico Stock Exchange. as far as I am concerned. What, I wondered, was the secret behind the exciting world that existed on the trading floor? I was convinced that I needed to find a way to get into that world. But as an unconventional learner, I could not find a school that would accommodate my "special learning" requirements. Then I learned that Lehigh can help me unlock the secret world I longed to join because of its non-traditional ways of teaching, which tie in directly with my unconventional way of learning.

Therefore, facilities such as Mountaintop or...

I believe that the essay will be made stronger if approached from this point of view. Feel free to use my version if you wish or create your own based upon the model I presented. I am sure it will help you better tie in the information you are presenting in the supplemental essay.

Here are some of the changes I made to the essay following your suggestions, I would love to get some feedback on this one:

The trading floor of the stock market is a secret world I discovered over a lunch date with my father and a his friend who ended up showing us the inside of the Mexico Stock Exchange. As far as I can remember I kept thinking the people working there knew about a different world that the rest of us didn't, and I was convinced I needed to find a way to get in. But as an unconventional learner who seeks to get as much knowledge as possible from beyond the classroom experiences, I knew I had to find a school that could offer me these experiences as well as teach me all about my passion. Then I learned that Lehigh can help me unlock the secret world I longed to join thanks to its non-traditional ways of teaching, which tie in directly with my unconventional way of learning.

Facilities such as Mountaintop or the Financial Services Lab, combined with outside the classroom resources like the student-run investment portfolio or summer internships at Calvin Klein in Hong Kong are exactly what I hoped to find, they'll help me challenge all the ideals I have on traditional education and get me ready to face the challenges I'll find in the financial world by learning through real world experiences.

And speaking of math and finances, few other ...

Alex, I only have a problem with the inclusion of the passion for football in the statement. As you said, the game is played differently in Mexico and the U.S. even though the passion is similar. So, since the essay is after commonalities between you and the university, the game itself, doesn't factor in as a major similarity because of the difference that you mentioned. It would be better, in my opinion, if you just focused on the academic similarities in this essay. The last paragraph just doesn't fit properly in my opinion. Perhaps there is a different social activity that you could find in common with the university organizations, clubs, and interests that can take the place of football?

It is best to really present information about commonalities that the reviewer can best identify with immediately rather than having him think about "How is Mexican football different from American football?" I mean I know the answer to that, but for a reviewer who has more specific criteria in mind while reading your essay, that might prove to be a bit of thought provoking measure instead that will make him lose focus on the best part of your essay, the first 2 paragraphs.

@Holt

Thank you very much for your suggestions, I guess I'll start looking for a different activity in which both the school and I have more things in common.

All of your comments were very helpful, I really appreciate it!

But now that I think about it, I think I didn't convey my message correctly, I'm not trying to say that Lehigh and I have similarities over the sport, but over the sport's passion. I know that football and soccer are completely the opposite but I'm trying to say that in the end even though they are different sports, the passion for supporting your teams remains the same, and that's why I would love to support their football teams as well as mine while I study there.

The problem I think is that I'm not showing the message correctly, and that's where I would love your help to improve it.

Alex, if I am not mistaken, Lehigh has its own soccer team. Therefore, you should not have a problem making the sports reference work. I think you are just referring to the wrong sport at the right university. Mention the soccer team instead in place of football and you will find that the sentiment of your paragraph becomes clearer and more aligned with the "in common" requirement of the essay. Since you love soccer and the university has a soccer team, you will just be supporting a different soccer team for the time being. I mean as a student at the university. Since Mexicans are big on soccer, it is only logical that you would immediately move to support your school soccer team. So your love for the sport and the support of the university for the soccer team will be another common denominator between the two of you. So a simple revision of that text is what is in order. You don't need to change the sport per se. Remember, what is Futbol or football to you is Soccer in the USA and American Football is a totally different sport from Football. I know, it sounds confusing, but that is how it is termed in the USA.

@Holt

Hey, I tried to change the last paragraph according to your comments, what do you think about it:

And speaking of math and finances, few other things can be considered a universal language, for example art or food. But Lehigh and I share another one, passion for sports, specifically soccer. Few things can compare to the atmosphere in a "El Clásico" match between America and Chivas or Mexico vs U.S, but I can easily picture myself in a similar atmosphere during a Lehigh-Lafayette game. I'm sure almost everyone at campus knows how good it feels to see your team beat its biggest rival at home, a feeling I hope to experience at Lehigh, both for my soccer teams and the Mountain Hawks.

Thanks!