This is a really long response, I hope you guys could help me cutting out some unnecessary parts. Feel free to criticize. =]
As you researched and visited colleges and universities, why did you decide to apply to Lehigh? Please give specific reasons. What contributions will you make during your time at Lehigh?
Three months ago, Lehigh ...
Three months ago, Lehigh was not even in my school's dictionary, now it has official become the love of my life (or at least for the next four years to come). If one ever knows of love-at-first-sight, this is mine. As a little girl, I have dreamed of becoming my mom, a successful businesswoman in formal suite, so confident and professional in everything she does. This is a common trait: a daughter wants to turn into her mom, an older version of herself. But to me it is more than just achievements: my mom besides hours and hours of committing to work, she meanwhile has a colorful life outside the office. In the attempt of pursuing the ideal figure of myself, I need tools, and I believe Lehigh is my perfect matchhas them . Lehigh first came to my list as a promising school that has tremendousa prestigious reputation infor its business programs. "Lehigh means Business", it indeed doesn't lie with several high rankings in Business Week, US News as the nation's elite in Undergraduate Business Programs. (personally, I would not use good magazine rankings as a reason for going to a college) As a fanatic of elaborate and well-rounded academicacademia , I doubt if Lehigh would ever let me down with its academic rigor, meaningful internships and novel approach( What does "novel approach" mean) to learning. It equips the students with strong basics before lettingplacing them into more-focused programs and real world issues. Besides the fame in teaching, Lehigh gives students a brighter way when they eventually enter the real world with marvelous job placement and high starting salaries(avoid putting in to many adjective and putting things like i want to school to get a lot of money) ; many recruitsrecruiting opportunities are provided inthrough the university fromin big Cc orporations and Cc ompanies. "Location, Location, Location", what would be the better place to start your business plans than right here in Bethlehem - the heart of the East Coast, where the international business centers such as New York and Philadelphia lie nearby(this sentence is congested, clarify this sentence). Furthermore, within its a five hours drive, Lehigh'sneighbors are plenty of fascinating cities such as is located close to Boston, Washington D.C, New York City, Pittsburgh...I have the whole Northern East coast to discover, which also and meansample future opportunities.
Lehigh is more than just academic; it is about giving students a great university experience of life that will be hard to forget. As I research more in depth, I fell deeply in love with itsthe beautiful campus, the ancient style combined with modern facilities that assure students' pursue of the best education while enjoying the aesthetics around the school. Being the one who is very fond of nature's beauty as well as the artistic atmosphere, I find Lehigh an ideal match. I kept digging deeper into the school's profile and what it has to offer, and I was fascinated by the "First-year Experience" on the campus. The fact that this is the first time I will be away from home for such long time indeed adds much anxiety to me. But as soon as I enter the school, I am confident that I'll soon be a part of the University's Office of the First-Year Experience (OFYE), the organization will aid me to thrive into the new university environment with great variety of programs, activities and events. Lehigh's social life's on and off campus spread everything from hip-hop to hangouts, so there will be no time when students find nothing to do. I came across Evans Kosgei' '11's review of the school, he came from Kenya and majored in Integrated Business and Engineering, he stated: "At Lehigh, everybody is so helpful that you just can't feel out of place. I believe I was meant to be here and it's really feeling like home." I want a second home just like his, and luckily, I found Lehigh. As all the other students in this University, I will let myself blend in a friendly, life-changing community. I will become part of Lehigh and feel welcomed just like my own family. (The stuff about the campus's beauty can be taken out if you want)
Having been born in a developing Asian country, I grew up with the chance of witnessing many economical situations in a totally different environments from those in Europe and America. I saw broken economical systems through the eyes of a little girl trying to understand the world around her. I knew some are not the right way that business works, and as education enlightened me through out my years in school, I figured out I could make a difference. (Not concise, make it more understandable to the reader) I could bring my solve the nation's problems to introduce it to the diversity of a by using my better-rounded economical education, with the faith to enhance the school's business issues, at the same time come up with plausible solutions. With rich knowledge about Vietnam's cultures and traditions, the my culture can enrich the school student body I could bring to the school is something I'm proud to offer . Lehigh has so many things to offer me, an individual who is eager to learn and contribute what she has to the bigger community, I believe my second home won't be let down.
Overall, the essay answers the prompt but your writing needs to be more understandable and is acceptable. Try to cut down on using excessive adjectives in your sentences and make your sentences more concise and easier to understand.
