Lehigh Supplemental Essays-Why Lehigh and Community and Equity in the 21st cent.

Hey all, and criticism or advice would be great!
Both of these essays have a 1000 character limit.

1.(Why Lehigh/ Contributions) In making one of the hardest choices of my life, choosing the right college, I looked for specific things in the schools when making my decision. I knew that I want to attend a smaller university that will allow me to pursue my interest in medicine. A university that has small classes that would allow for close interaction with the professors is also desirable to me. Lehigh appealed to me when I discovered that it contained all of these aspects. After further research into the opportunities at Lehigh I also came upon the research opportunities available to biology majors. Seeing as I plan on being a biology major, more specifically pre-med, the research opportunities at Lehigh interested me immensely. Participating with a faculty member in laboratory research would be a great opportunity that I would love to have the option of doing. I know that at Lehigh I would be able to obtain a major that would prepare me for the rigors of medical school as well as provide the chance of further research into my interest. All of these reasons have made me decide upon Lehigh University as one of my top choices for future education. Lehigh has a lot to offer me, and I know that I will offer my best to this university once I am accepted.

2.(Your definition of Community and Equity in the 21st century) My definition of community is a group of people that interact with each other in a common area and who have common interests and goals. Equity, in my opinion, is empowering the people within a certain community with equal opportunities and resources necessary to reach their full potential. Community has been combined with the intangible idea of equity throughout history in utopian ideals. Some may say that equity and community can never be successfully combined; that equality can never be achieved. Yet I believe that with each day the boundaries that once defined the unattainable aspect of equal communities are slowly diminishing. In the 21st century people of different races, socio-economic classes, and gender are shedding away those insignificant aspects of their lives that others tend to classify them by. Lehigh University is a microcosm of the larger world, one that will soon be equal for all people. That is my future world.

I think you should start off the essay with a thesis to introduce what you're going to talk about instead of just diving into your definitions from the get-go. I also think you should play around with some of the sentence structures; Instead of saying "My definition of this is...", find new ways to introduce your definition.

Yes you can avoid the part ' My definition'

I think it is better to write "I hope this will be my future world"

the word "things" is hardly ever specific enough. If you are going to write things you might as well write something more specific, like "characteristics."

but wait a minute, this whole first line is meaningless! Why waste 26 words stating the obvious!? No, say something meaningful. Say what you look for. Say what you look for that others perhaps do not. What is your unique view?

No talking about small class size or faculty to student ratio. I am forever telling people not to do that. My opinion is that an admissions person must get so sick of essays telling them what the school brochure tells them...

You are biology/premed, so you should give your philosophy of science and medicine! Read the intro to The Body Electric by Becker for inspiration.

Equity, in my opinion, is empowering the people within a certain community with equal opportunities and resources necessary to reach their full potential.---it's not your opinion; it is what equity is.


I don't think this actually proves that equity is achievable. Perhaps it is more achievable than ever, though.

This is good material. Sorry if I seem critical about the first one, though -- but I think you need to write it when you are more inspired. It is to be more aout you than about the school.

:-)