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nikhil333 4 / 6 1  
Sep 13, 2014   #1
NYU is global, urban, inspired, smart, connected, and bold. What can NYU offer you, and what can you offer NYU? (200-400 words)
Any type of help is greatly appreciated

I will not lie and say that I fell In love with NYU at first sight. Living in New York I had always heard how prestigious NYU is, but to me NYU was just another college that popped up in my college search. My interest in NYU sparked when I realized it was not just the rankings that made NYU, but how unique and special the university itself was.

I believe NYU's melting pot of cultures, social atmosphere, and prime location makes it an ideal place for me to study. I am aware that NYU's brilliant students don't just solely focus their energy into to academics, but also into social life. I love extracurricular activities and have a wide range of interests, such as skateboarding, swimming, and other outdoor activities. I am excited to find that the campus life is so diverse so I can socialize and compete with talented students from allover the world by which I can gain knowledge of different cultures, Interests, perspectives, and beliefs. I intend on becoming a member of Aviation Club where I plan to pursue my interest in aviation and share my knowledge that I have acquired studying aviation maintenance technology for the past five years in high school.

At NYU I would hope to study computer science so that I could explore my interest in programing software and solving problems using technology. I can feel the passion and energy filled at the campus when I walk through Washington Square Park and I hope to be a part of one day.
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Sep 13, 2014   #2
There is a major problem in your essay. You totally did not understand what the prompt was asking you to discuss. You spend too much time talking about NYU and what you know about the university and its campus community instead of discussing what you have to offer the university and its student community. So you need to trash this version of your essay and start writing a new one that is more focused towards the idea of what you have and how you can contribute to NYC as a student and member of the community.

You talk too much about having fun socially in college. That is not what a prestigious university like NYC wants to hear. You not applying to a party university. This is a serious academic institution that admits only the most serious college students who have a goal, purpose, and ambition in life. Too much talk about your community participation portrays you as a self-centered individual who does not care about the others in the community. You do not want the admissions officer to think that. You would not make it past the first round of considerations if that happens.

Here is what I suggest. Look at your past academic and social achievements. Pick the most outstanding of your achievements from those two worlds. Then focus on how you can parlay those accomplishments into your college life. Using these two important accomplishments to paint yourself as a picture of an academic and social achiever whose prowess will definitely be an additional positive influence upon the NYC academic and social community.
nicolezmh1997 6 / 30 8  
Sep 20, 2014   #3
Through reading your essay, I could only get some superficial reason for your love towards NYU.
It's mainly because you always use generalized statement to sum up your affection.
For example, you wrote cursorily on your broad interest and your passion for computer science. However, you should use more supportive evidence or examples to show the people that you really fit in the atmosphere of NYU.

In other words, you need to dig out the real reason( what motivate you to love NYU) and use specific details to support your generalization.

Keep working on! :)