"Let your life speak." Prompt 1 - Learning through engagement

Hi,
I would really appreciate comments only on the content and idea of these supplemental essays. I have not been able to go on essayforum lately because I was not aware of the rules(I am sorry for violating them). I am happy that I am back on this great website.

My deadlines are approaching and I would really appreciate comments as soon as possible. Thank you all so much!

There is a Quaker saying: "Let your life speak." Describe the environment in which you were raised-your family, home, neighborhood or community-and how it influenced the person you are today. (Required length is 200-250 words)

I grew up valuing the combination of learning and engagement because my parents always have. My dad, a local mentor, has taught me to extract knowledge whenever and wherever I can and apply what I learn to everyday situations. I have fond memories with him gardening in my backyard as we plant flowers and tomatoes. Such engagement in learning satisfies my intellectual curiosity. My mom, a retired chemistry teacher, is a creative whiz. She does not tell or teach me but involves me with everything she does. In second grade, I needed help with counting money. Instead of preparing worksheets for me to solve, she designed a pretend-grocery store in my room. She bought a toy cash register with fake money, crafted a shopping cart made out of cardboard, and price tagged my toys. My child self flushed with exhilaration. Being exposed and surrounded by such engaging activities all my life, I learned that learning is not confined to the classroom; it is taken beyond that. Now at the age of seventeen, I have had the opportunity to teach my own students the same way my mom taught me. As a mentor in the Students in Action team, I used Bingo cards and square chocolates to teach little ones multiplication tables. I love mirroring my own satisfaction in the students and instilling the notion that learning happens through involvement. I hope to keep this notion in mind during college and in the following chapters of my life.

ONE AT A TIME.

Mualla, you have just thoroughly discussed how you parents helped you to learn things in your life. I must say that the way they have educated you from childhood is admirable and shows a great deal of patience on their part when it comes to helping you understand things. However, the response that you provide is not really assigned with the prompt requirements. What the reviewer needs to learn from you at this point is how your parents, relatives, teachers, friends, and neighbors have helped you become the kind of person you are today. Not just the academic you, but the all around nice person that you are.

If you feel that you are a person who grew up with a compassion for others, who influenced that side of you? Who taught you about compassion? Think about your teacher who could have been a role model for you. Why did you consider her a role model? How has her presence in your life helped you become a better person? Did you learn anything from your best friend? Do tell what that is. The environment that you grew up, in terms of your neighborhood or community, could simply be described as the place where you spend most of your time out of school. What did you learn while spending time there?

You can opt to describe all of the above or just one, two, or three specific parts of the prompt. You don't have to discuss all of them, just choose the person or place that has had a significant impact on your way of thinking and the way that you treat others.

I have fond memories with him ... Such engagement in learning ....
Maybe try to combine these sentences? The second one feels a bit short off.
Your essay is pretty good! Like Holt said, focus more on you.

@Holt

Holt, what do you think of this version??

As a child, I always went grocery shopping ...

@Holt

Holt please ignore my previous post.

What do you think of this version? If this is fine, I really need help with the last sentence. Could you please help me with that? Thank you

There is a Quaker saying: "Let your life speak." Describe the environment in which you were raised-your family, home, neighborhood or community-and how it influenced the person you are today. (Required length is 200-250 words)

As a child, I always went grocery shopping with my mom. Instead of throwing out the receipt, like many other customers do, my mom would inspect every item on that small sheet of paper to see if everything was right. Then one day, after another shop ...

Mualla, I hope you won't mind if I rewrite that last paragraph for you instead:

I did not think that my mother's words had a direct influence upon me on that day. In fact, I forgot all about it until the time came when I was already working as a cashier myself and my honesty would be called into question by a negative suggestion from my co-workers. As the place where we worked promoted an honesty system when it came to our time-in and time-out at work, I always made sure to write my exact in and out times in the logbook. My co-workers did the opposite, they always rounded off their time- in and time-out to the nearest figure in order to increase their salary. When they advised me to do the same thing, I found myself almost mimicking my mother "Be being accurate and honest, I am earning the greatest deal possible. The trust of our employer."

See if this new closing statement is something you would want to use. You can modify it to best suit your needs. This is how I would close the essay though. So you are welcome to use it if it is similar to how you want to close your essay.

@Holt

Thank You! It looks awesome. Yes I will definitely use it :)

I will just try to cut it down a bit because the word limit is 250. I will try to get it back to you once I finish editing.

@Holt

Holt yours sounded much better but because of the word limit which is 250 words I had to cut off some parts of the essay...

What do you think of this one? I believe this one is exactly 249 words.

As a child, I always went grocery shopping with my mom. Instead of throwing out the receipt, like many other customers do, my mom would inspect every item on that small sheet of paper to see if everything was right. Then one day, after another shop at the grocery followed by a check of receipt, she noticed that the cashier had made a mistake by giving my mom extra money. At the time I thought this was a "great deal" and was puzzled when my mom went back to the store and returned the money. However, I later came to appreciate my mom's thoughtful actions once I saw how inspired the cashier was. On our way home my mom said, "It is always best to be truthful and sincere."

Now, just like my mom, I value and incorporate integrity in everything I do. Just last summer when I started working as a cashier myself, my honesty was called into question by a negative suggestion from my co-workers. As the place where we worked promoted an honesty system when it came to our time-in and time-out at work, I always made sure to write my exact in and out times in the logbook. However, my co-workers did the opposite; they always rounded off their times in order to increase their salary. When they advised me to do the same thing, I told them, "By being accurate and honest, I am earning the greatest deal possible. The trust of our employer."

Mualla, don't change the language of your essay. Keep your original voice in the way that you wrote it. The way that you developed the essay is great. I don't advice making changes to the grammar because, if your grammar is too perfect in the essay, and your grammar is not as perfect in the actual interview, your true English skills will come into question and make the interviewer question the whether you truly wrote your application essays or if you paid a professional to write it. In which case the reviewer will think twice about giving weight to your essay applications after your actual / oral interview.

Your grammatical mistakes are not so bad that it changes the motive, objective, or message of the paragraph or sentence. So there is no need to vie for perfect grammar. All that matters is that you speak honestly and from the heart. The reviewer will easily understand what you have to say because you express it in a clear manner, in your own way.

Speak in the essay the way that you speak in real life. That is why I appreciate that you changed some of the paragraph that I gave you to use. By adding your voice, the way you think in English, write in English, and speak in English, you now have an essay that you truly wrote. Keep the grammar inconsistencies. It is what makes your essay special and memorable to the reviewer. You are still under the maximum word count with your version of the essay. That is all that is important when considering the word maximum requirement.