"I like the study of anything related to business" (Dear Roommate) -Babson Supplement

Could someone kindly proofread this? Thanks in advance.

Babson Supplement

Write a letter to your first-year roommate at Babson. Tell him, or her, what it will be like to live with you, why you chose Babson, and what you are looking forward to the most in college:

Dear Roommate:

It is apparent to me that since we both have chosen Babson as our top choice school, we already have a lot in common. Knowing that the academic environment at Babson is a rigorous one, I am delighted that I will be sharing this experience with you. These next four years have been said to be the most important years of our lives, so I think it is indispensable that we form a great friendship throughout them. I am confident that we will share many laughs and memories as we further our educations at Babson College.

As you obviously do not know, I come from a school where the motto is "small school, big family." I have always felt that securing solid friendships with those who are around you can always have it benefits. I am always up for trying something new, so rooming with you will be an adventure in itself. I am from an area close to Babson, thus, allowing me to be able to show you the aspects of culture on and around Babson. I am simply looking forward to share my passions with you, and learning about yours. Between extracurricular and class/study time, living at Babson College will reveal my fun loving, kind, and confident personality.

Searching through college guides for the perfect college was overwhelming. It was hard to choose a school that would be one of the first stepping stones on the pathway to my future. Though, Babson stood out to me, as I am sure it did to you. After researching the school more closely, endless images of my future were streaming through my head. I knew then I would fit right into the Babson community. Both of us are entering a new time of our lives with little knowledge of what the future holds. As we are about to embark on an adventure of a lifetime, it is necessary we are led into the right path. What better place to be educated at than Babson College? With their reputation for academic excellence, core competencies, and key business disciplines, I was able to sleep easy on this decision. I am undecided about what I want to major in, but am sure that it will have to do with business. Babson has a vast amount of entrepreneurial majors that I can choose from once I decide what I want to major in. Since I am fluent in Spanish, I was leaning towards one of the majors Babson offers that can incorporate language into business. Due to the number of students, there seems to be a great chance to make many friends, and still receive personal attention from faculty. Even when I asked students for directions to the hockey rink, I was greeted and kindly told how to get there. Overall, I am proud that I can attend Babson College and learn at a school that offers a value to my future.

My expectation level going into Babson College is high, and I am sure once I get there, these expectations will be met. Mainly, I am looking forward to finding a major that I really enjoy. Never in my life have I been able to say what I want to do when I grow up. All I have ever really known is that I like the study of anything related to business. Knowing that Babson is one of the best undergraduate business schools in the country, I am sure I will be able to find the major I am interested in studying. Another great part about finally deciding what I want to do when I grow up is being able to participate in an internship that I feel passionate about. With all of the connections Babson has, I surely will be prepared for my future one way or another.

Sincerely,
-Kyle Pitman

I think you hit all of the points of why you want to go there and what you want to do there but honestly, make it a little more creative.

It's supposed to be to your roommate, which is kind of giving you the freedom to be a bit more casual in your writing, and insert some creative tidbits. It'll give you more of a distinctive voice and it'll flow better because it seems almost too formalized.

thanks for the quick reply, I will edit and repost.

As you obviously do not know,---- this part is weird, because there is no reason to comment on the fact that the person does not know.

I think you do a great job right up until this part:
As we are about to embark on an adventure of a lifetime, ---it is getting repetitive and sort of empty of meaning. Right here is the place to tell about your goals for the future.

it is necessary we are led .... undecided about what I want to major in, but am sure that it will have to do with busin ess. -----Do not tell them what you are unsure of. Students who never give serious thought to life have no plans. Students who think a lot about life and the future have a lot of plans. You may not have selected a major, but that is because you are keeping your options open as you pursue several specific goals.

So... I think you could revise a little to show what you ARE decisive about. That shows what you are all about.

While this is written very well, I just don't like it. Sorry. I agree Mariah, this needs to be a little more creative. I feel like you are writing what Admissions wants to hear, and therefore it comes off a bit stiff and uninspired. So stop thinking about this essay as a part of the admission process. Now, write a geniune letter to a potential roomate. Do you have a strange habit of only eating jello? Do you talk to yourself while watching television? Everyone has a unique quirk. What's yours? You can edit whatever you write after.