I just want some feedback on my essay.
It sounds kinda cheesy.
UCAS PERSONAL STATEMENT
I studied at a small school for the most part of my life, aside from the two first years of my elementary schooling. And by small, I mean small. As of now, there are twenty students in my whole high school and three in my graduating class, one of them being my sister because I skipped a grade. At first, and for a really long time, I resented it. I was smart, and I knew it. Instead of challenging myself I became lazy. I knew that I could cruise by high school without any extra effort on my part because there was just no competition. And, although I'm not proud of it, this went on until recently. I realized I was being selfish. I was fortunate enough to be blessed with so many gifts and talents but I was inconsiderately, selfishly, and thoughtlessly, not making the most out of it. I was the most egotistic, self-serving, and uncaring person. Let's just say I was making the least of what I was given. And so I changed, or tried my best to. And I found that if I actually let myself care about something and actually applied myself then I could achieve great things. I reviewed everything I was doing in my life and decided to put a new perspective on them.
For years now I have been part of a Little League charter called ILLAM (International Little League of Manila). I have been playing softball ever since I was a kid. It was fun when I was young but as I grew older, much like what happened in my school, I was already better than everyone else on my team and I never pushed myself to improve. But this year, I challenged myself and helped my teammates improve. Because of that, I was able to captain my team to Regional victory and lead them to the 2009 Senior League Softball World Series in Delaware, where we placed 5th out of 9 teams.
In connection to my course choice of International Relations and International Relations with Peace and Conflict studies I would like to speak about an organization that I became a member of called CISV. CISV is an international organization that promotes global friendship and peace through camps and activities. During the CISV summer camp I attended, there were participants from 12 different countries and we discussed the problems happening in each of our respective countries and aimed to promote awareness through discussions and activities. At the same time, we also learned about each others cultures, had so much fun, and made a lot of new and diverse friends. This year I was chosen to be one of the CISV Junior Branch Core Group members and I help in planning and organizing activities to promote peace and awareness for world issues. Internationals Relations is a course that is very much in my interest and I think I could really apply myself well there.
With Global Warming being the environmental issue that is looming over our future, I would really like to take a part in being part of the solution rather than the problem and I do believe I am very capable. When I was going through the course outline for Environmental Policy with Economics, I was very interested, especially in the section about Environmental Change and Sustainable Development, and I think that it is a great way to adapt to the change our earth is going through today. That is why it is one of my course choices. I love the environment and Math is one of my superior subjects in school. The two of them together would be something that I would really enjoy and at the same time I could help in saving our earth.
In connection with my love for the environment, two of my other choices are Environmental Geography and Marine Zoology. I have been a certified PADI scuba diver since I was 10 years old. Living in the Philippines has given me many opportunities in this field. Being an archipelago surrounded by water and made up of more than 7000 islands has many advantages. Even as I child, I was already able to discern each type of fish from another. Scuba Diving is an activity my whole family enjoys and it is a truly pleasurable and engaging experience for me. Being a marine biologist is something I am very much considering as one of my future careers.
I would like to study in the UK because, after many years of being unchallenged I want to immerse myself in a diverse place with new people and challenges. I am very fluent in English because, here in the Philippines, almost everyone's first language is English and all subjects in school are taught in English. I have already wasted many years of my life sulking and being selfish but now I am more than ready to make up for it. If I am accepted I promise that I will give more than my best to serve myself, my people, and my world.
Your first paragraph is quite irrelevant.
Your personal statement should aim to address what it is you want to study, why you want to study, perhaps, why you feel that you need to continue higher education, and you should focus on your strengths and qualities and how these will help you do what it is you want to study and how these qualities will help you integrate at the University academically, personally and socially.
You fail to address these very important aspects of a personal statement
I studied at a small school for the most part of my life, the only exception being the two first years of my elementary schooling.
Hmmmmm... it is not enough to want to study in the UK. I think a serious student is more concerned with the field of expertise than with the location of the studies... know what I mean? I also think you include too many ideas in that first paragraph! Think of the main idea of the whole essay, and make that the topic of both the intro and conclusion. The into should be cncise and grab the attention. The conclusion should be thoughtful and "add something" by considering the implications of all you have just written. I hope that helps!! Your writing is great, but the paragraphs are too long and try to tackle multiple ideas when you should instead use one para for each idea.
