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'mixing chemicals together' - Personal Statement UCAS


menamilad /  
Jan 18, 2009   #1
Prompt:

"Tell the universities and colleges why they should choose you
The personal statement is your opportunity to tell universities and colleges about your suitability for the course(s) that you hope to study. You need to demonstrate your enthusiasm and commitment, and above all, ensure that you stand out from the crowd."

Have you had a position of authority or used your communication skills in any activity?

essay:

I would like to start my essay by expressing my desire to study in the United Kingdom. It has always been a dream and always will. I was inspired by my best friend who is from Nottingham that I find respectable and responsible. On the other hand I'm anxious to be introduced to an English society and a new culture.

On the other hand, I believe that I'm talented in soccer, the famous sport game in our country and in England too. I have been playing soccer for almost eight years; consequently, I'm one of the best defenders in my school. We had won the School Soccer Championship four times. I enjoy watching the premier league and I wish that one day I'll be one of the professional Ydefenders in this league. I also play dodge ball since I was seven. I, and my friend hosted a club called "Sports Fanatics" that is held weekly on Tuesday after school where wee coached 3rd -6th graders. Due to its success, I wish to establish a afterschool club for soccer in England. Swimming too plays an important part in my daily life. I swim twice a week in smash club, and considered to be one of the professional swimmers.

Since I was young, I loved to mix chemicals together and do scientific experiments. I used to do the "Vinegar & baking powder" experiment and the candle experiments. My favorite subjects are Chemistry and Biology. I have always got straight "A"s for both subjects during high school. I enjoy doing experiments and dissections. In grade 10, I received the third place in the science fair for the topic "Inventing a Firefighting system", where I, along with two of my friends, went to Bavaria (fire extinguishers' company) where we got our hints and support. We constructed a house and placed in it a heat detector which rings an alarm when it's exposed to a certain temperature. In grade 11 we received the 1st place in the science for the topic "Eat and Enjoy while your Teeth are in destroy" where we conducted an experiment to prove the harmful effects of different types of liquid on our teeth. Another reason for my love to those two subjects is that my dad owns Mena Vet Company which produces veterinary medicines, which sparked the love of science in my heart. My Chemistry teacher is a source of encouragement and motivation to me ; she always tells that I could be a well known scientist one day. She told once told my mother in the parents meeting "it would be unwise if Mena joins anything but Pharmacy" due to my high academic achievements in chemistry. I am interested in drug design which is my intended major.

Last I would like to mention the extracurricular activities that I've joined so far. I a member of People to People International (PTPI). In PTPI we learn about various aspects of countries. from government and religion to food and sports; chapters develop a terrific understanding of friends around the world. Chapter members support exciting initiatives from PTPI world headquarters, plus have the flexibility to develop their own projects according to their interests and means. I am also a member of the Michael Archangel Scout in Michael Archangel church. In this scout we're taught to be selfless and how to survive with the least amount of supplies. We also distribute blankets, food and clothes on the less fortunate

Although I know that it might sound unusual, I love to debate myself. I always stand in front of the mirror and present one view and the opposite one. When judging someone's act in a specific situation, I judge him based on his perceptions and thoughts as if I were in his own shoes. I always stand up for what I believe in. During the student council elections when I was nominated for The School President and I had to present my plan for 2007-2008. I stood up against the principal in a decent respectable way and expressed my disagreement about the bus conditions and my plan to increase the bus fees by 100 Egyptian pounds and buy two buses annually till we reach the desired number of buses. I received a lot of criticisms from the teachers; however , I was happy that I satisfied my self-conscience.

Last but not least, I believe that it is honor to be introduced to such new environment, emerge with different cultures and ethnicities, and increase my social circle. As I'm curious about venturing the unknown. I also hope to be one of the active members in the university and participate in activities and sports in order to enjoy my new life in England. And graduation won't be the end for my future , but it would be the beginning.

Does my essay answer the prompt well..and what are my weak points
Linnus 6 / 89  
Jan 18, 2009   #2
"I would like to start my essay by expressing my desire to study in the United Kingdom. "
It has always been a dream and always will. I was inspired by my best friend who is from Nottingham that I find respectable and responsible. On the other hand I'm anxious to be introduced to an English society and a new culture."

So why do you want to study in the UK? Frankly, this paragraph is unless and choppy; the ideas doesn't connect. Also, "I would like to start my essay" is a bad way to start your essay. Why is studying in the UK your dream? How did your best friend inspired you to study in the UK?

Sorry for being critical, but your essay is composed of ideas that are loosely connected together. This is not an essay where you summarize your grades and your activities, but instead an essay that shows the admission officer your personality, ambitions, passion, and enthusiasm. What makes you stand out? What makes you special aside from your grade, extra curricular, and course load? Lastly and most importantly, answer the prompt: "Tell the universities and colleges why they should choose you. The personal statement is your opportunity to tell universities and colleges about your suitability for the course(s) that you hope to study. You need to demonstrate your enthusiasm and commitment, and above all, ensure that you stand out from the crowd.""

So, tell the college what you want to study. Why you want to study it. How you are different from the other applicants who are applying to the college.

I hope this will get you started. Good luck!
onindo 5 / 20  
Jan 18, 2009   #3
The essays not about you, its all about your accomplishments. The admission committee will already know your grades and activities from application forms. The PS is supposed to showcase your personality.

tell them who you are, not what you've done...
OP menamilad /  
Jan 19, 2009   #4
fine, look honestly this was the personal statement for Rutgers that required me to write about my extra curricular activities & academic accomplishments and i thought instead about writing a new one , i just added two paragraphs and a few sentences...

anyway... what do you think i should do ..i mean what paragraphs are off topic? and what paragraphs i need to insert? ...please get back at me about that..

thanks :)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 19, 2009   #5
Hi! Well, start by telling the about the course of study you will pursue there, and get specific about what you hope to accomplish (even if you are not yet sure, write about specific goals). You need to appear driven to succeed, and you need to appear as an ideal student for their PARTICULAR school! So, omit the first paragraph and write something meaningful -- original... don't just say you desire to go there, but instead surprise them with great enthusiasm for their program (whatever prgm. you choose).

Condense all the stuff about sports to one good sentence that conveys how your unrelenting resolve was developed during trials and exertion as an athlete.

Make this an essay about how you are INCREDIBLY inspired and driven to succeed at this specific school, and focus on specific resources you would like to take advantage of. You can make it compelling and powerful! Good luck.


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