'lived in two different cultures' - UW Computer Science Short Answer

Hi everyone, I've been lurking the site for quite a while and I would appreciate some feedback on my short paper. Any and all comment is appreciated!

Prompt:
Describe how you could bring a broad perspective to the engineering classroom. Factors to discuss include, but are not limited to: multi-cultural awareness, activities, or accomplishments; educational background and goals; living experiences, such as growing up in a disadvantaged or unusual environment; and special interests or talents. (Limit to 1500 characters, approx. 250 words)

Approximately a quarter of the world's population is living without what many people take for granted -- electricity. I was a part of that percentage and the even larger group of people without computer access before settling in America. It was on my eighth birthday that my dad bought me my first computer. Without any understanding of the English language, let alone computer knowledge, I still developed an addiction for my beloved gift. What started out as a toy that I used to play minesweeper and solitaire turned out to be one of my most loved possessions.

My interest for computers grew as I explored the endless capabilities that these machines possess. One of my favorite features is the Internet. I still remember the awed feeling the first time I heard the dial tone produced by my computer while connecting to the world wide web. That dial tone opened the door of possibilities for me. I was able to improve my English tremendously and stay connected with the world around me by simply exploring various links online.

Having lived in two different cultures -- one where computers are abundant and another in which it is an unfamiliar object -- I developed a strong appreciation for this robust system that some people lack. I believe that computers are the building blocks to limitless potentials waiting to be discovered. By pursuing a career in computer science, I will be able to optimize the machine I have always loved to be even better.

- Hieu Q. Duong

I was a part of that percentage and the even larger group of people without computer access, before settling in America.

What started out as a toy that I used, to play minesweeper and solitaire turned out to be one of my most loved possessions.

My interest in computers grew as I explored the endless...

Having lived in two different cultures -- one where computers are abundant and another in which it is an unfamiliar object -- I've developed a strong appreciation for this robust system that some people lack.

By pursuing a career in computer science, I will be able to optimize the machine I have always loved, to become even better.

I think you answered the prompt nicely! Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Personally, I would put the comma after solitaire not used;

What started out as a toy that I used, to play minesweeper and solitaire, turned out to be one of my most loved possessions.

And for this one I would keep the "I" and not put "I've" just to keep it out for passive voice:

Having lived in two different cultures -- one where computers are abundant and another in which it is an unfamiliar object -- I developed a strong appreciation for this robust system that some people lack.