I can't say I'm very proud of this essay. I know it needs some work. I appreciate all critiques and comments. Please help me with both grammar and content. Thanks a lot!
Prompt #1
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
I stared at the TV in unadulterated horror, not wanting to believe what I was seeing. On the screen was a child who appeared no older than eight, covered with dirt and grime and with barely any clothes on. He wore no shoes, and the blisters on his feet were festering. What bothered me most about his appearance, however, was how his skin seemed to cling tightly to his ribs, making them visible for all to see. The camera was focused on him, but he seemed unaware of it. He looked to the distance with the blank, empty stare of a lost child. I changed the channel before I had to witness anymore.
I spent ten years of my life in ***, a small, suburban town in upstate New York. Though *** was a nice place to live (the motto of the town even being "Where Life is Worth Living"), upon entering high school, I came to a realization: living in *** was a lot like living in a bubble.
*** was safe, there was rarely ever crime, and I received a solid education there. I was constantly encouraged to do well in my studies by my teachers and peers and received support from my parents. However, in such a tight-knit community, I often felt a bit sheltered. While I had always been aware of the not-so-great side of life when I was younger, I mostly tried to turn the other way when the topic came up, as if I did not hear it.
Yet watching that commercial that day, and seeing that suffering child stirred something within me. I had seen the commercial before, and would usually change the channel rather than watch it, but this time my empathetic nature would not let me turn away from what I saw. The images stuck in my mind. I finally chose to acknowledge the disturbance I felt at realizing that while I lived a comfortable life in my home, there were children overseas who had none of the same things I had and probably never would.
It was this that gave birth to my desire to travel. I want to see and experience the rest of the world, especially the parts that aren't so great, and I want to help make a difference in those areas. *** kept me trapped in a bubble, but I am ready for that bubble to pop.
Things I'd like some comments on:
-Should I elaborate more on the community? I feel like I may not have touched on it enough
-Does it answer the prompt completely or should I add on more?
Any other comments are appreciated. Please, tear it apart...
Prompt #1
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
I stared at the TV in unadulterated horror, not wanting to believe what I was seeing. On the screen was a child who appeared no older than eight, covered with dirt and grime and with barely any clothes on. He wore no shoes, and the blisters on his feet were festering. What bothered me most about his appearance, however, was how his skin seemed to cling tightly to his ribs, making them visible for all to see. The camera was focused on him, but he seemed unaware of it. He looked to the distance with the blank, empty stare of a lost child. I changed the channel before I had to witness anymore.
I spent ten years of my life in ***, a small, suburban town in upstate New York. Though *** was a nice place to live (the motto of the town even being "Where Life is Worth Living"), upon entering high school, I came to a realization: living in *** was a lot like living in a bubble.
*** was safe, there was rarely ever crime, and I received a solid education there. I was constantly encouraged to do well in my studies by my teachers and peers and received support from my parents. However, in such a tight-knit community, I often felt a bit sheltered. While I had always been aware of the not-so-great side of life when I was younger, I mostly tried to turn the other way when the topic came up, as if I did not hear it.
Yet watching that commercial that day, and seeing that suffering child stirred something within me. I had seen the commercial before, and would usually change the channel rather than watch it, but this time my empathetic nature would not let me turn away from what I saw. The images stuck in my mind. I finally chose to acknowledge the disturbance I felt at realizing that while I lived a comfortable life in my home, there were children overseas who had none of the same things I had and probably never would.
It was this that gave birth to my desire to travel. I want to see and experience the rest of the world, especially the parts that aren't so great, and I want to help make a difference in those areas. *** kept me trapped in a bubble, but I am ready for that bubble to pop.
Things I'd like some comments on:
-Should I elaborate more on the community? I feel like I may not have touched on it enough
-Does it answer the prompt completely or should I add on more?
Any other comments are appreciated. Please, tear it apart...