Does my essay thoroughly answer the prompt?
Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
I used to believe that everyone lived the same lifestyle as I do. Growing up, I had everything I wanted. Piled presents beneath the tree on Christmas morning, newly stacked clothes for a new school year, lunchables in a shiny pink lunch pail, and homework assistance within arm's reach.
One evening, my mother invited my playmate from next door to join us for dinner. She sat down and asked what we were eating. "Shrimp," I said darkly. "I hate shrimp." Her eyes grew wide and her mouth dropped in bewilderment. Perplexed, I couldn't comprehend why my words had provoked such a strong response.
I lived in the International Baccalaureate bubble during my first two years of high school. My understanding was that all individuals were capable of making informed decisions. The ones who didn't, seemed shortsighted. Looking back, I was completely oblivious to the diverse circumstances around me.
I recall a moment after school when I was tutoring algebra to a timid freshman girl. As I explained binomial factoring, she caught on exceptionally fast. Examining her progress reports, I noticed the missing homework assignments. It was evident that accessing help was a challenge. As it turns out, her parents worked night shifts, and her shyness prevented her from approaching teachers with questions.
She asked me about my academic situation. Informing her of my involvement in the International Baccalaureate program, her interest in academia grew immediately. In reality, she had no prior knowledge of this program. I was awakened by the reality that many do not receive the same opportunities as I do. Information is not always present for students due to underlying reasons. As a result, many are incapable of reaching their full potential.
Her circumstances allowed me to realize that there are many other individuals in society who are caught in the same situation. With very limited access to opportunities and information, it is difficult for them to move forward towards success. As a learned individual, it becomes my responsibility to commission my knowledge for those who are at a disadvantage.
I am no longer content with living a privileged lifestyle myself. Instead, I am seeking success beyond my personal world. The future of society depends on those who are capable of effectively projecting their ideas and utilizing their talents and skills. It is my dream to find a solution to maximize the potential of each individual which in return, will benefit and strengthen society as a whole.
I aspire to pursue coursework and experience in communications that will allow me to eliminate the barrier between the disadvantaged and their success. I hope to build personal relationships with individuals to understand their weaknesses, alleviate their suffering and change their role in society. I am eager to use my college education and experience to empower my community, one person at a time.
How is this essay? Any criticism/editing is appreciated. Thanks!
emilyc28
"Perplexed, I couldn't comprehend why my words had provoked such a strong response .". I think you should develop here. Why was the girl so amased? Maybe you should explain her particular circumstances in a few words that would show that she was from a very diffrent background and that for her shrimp was probably a luxury.
The essay seems good to me. I esspecially liked the conclusion.
I lived in the International Baccalaureate bubble during my first two years of high school. My understanding was that all individuals were capable of making informed decisions. The ones who didn't, seemed shortsighted. Looking back, I was completely oblivious to the diverse circumstances around me.
It kind of make you seem like a person with a flawed ideas. It seems to me that you're basically saying that some people with less wealth tend to be more stupid. Even though you identify this thought as a wrong thought, a reader might judge you beforehand. (even though I believe a reader should not judge until finish reading the essay.)
Just a thought :)
Thanks for the advice! I'll look into tweaking it.
I lived in the International Baccalaureate bubble during my first two years of high school. My understanding was that all individuals were capable of making informed decisions. The ones who didn't, seemed shortsighted. Looking back, I was completely oblivious to the diverse circumstances around me.
Okahbin is right that you should consider that such statements could result in your readers to perceive you as a lacking, immoral being. However, I suggest you don't tweak this sentence too much to the point of losing its effect. Although it displays a negative characteristic as you, such establishments like this are what allow the reader to see the transformation of your character and morals; they allow the reader to see how you've become a more open, enlightened human being. So I do suggest that you stray away from extreme negativity about yourself. HOWEVER, please keep some of the negativity; it helps strengthen the impact of your essay. :)
Do you think it's okay if I just leave it as it is then? My intent was to use it to provide contrast. :)
I suggest that the only thing you should change is the last sentence of the phrase, the sentence that reveals how oblivious you were to other circumstances. Instead of stating:
I lived in the International Baccalaureate bubble during my first two years of high school. My understanding was that all individuals were capable of making informed decisions. The ones who didn't, seemed shortsighted. Looking back, I was completely oblivious to the diverse circumstances around me.
You could instead state: "
As I contemplated back upon these years, I realized how horrendously wrong and ignorant I was to perceive the world and others in such a pompous manners"
Essentially, my point is to make the sentence of your realization to your flaws more dramatic, so it stands out to the reader that you've changed. Hope that helps in any way! :)
That's perfect! Thank you so much!
How about this?
" Looking back upon these years, I realized how horrendously wrong and ignorant I was to perceive the world and others in such pompous manners"
Any other advice?
Try including what you hope to be
I aspire to pursue coursework and experience in communications that will allow me to eliminate the barrier between the disadvantaged and their success. I hope to build personal relationships with individuals to understand their weaknesses, alleviate their suffering and change their role in society. I am eager to use my college education and experience to empower my community, one person at a time.
Like what will you become once you pursue coursework in communications?
Like what will you become once you pursue coursework in communications?
Is it better to keep it broad or specific?
specific would be better (it'll show them you have a plan and passion for it), but if you don't have a definitive idea broad wouldn't be hurting you, as you're expanding on the idea.
Thanks!
I rewrote my second paragraph:
One evening, my mother invited my playmate from next door to join us for dinner. She sat down and asked what we were eating. "Shrimp," I said darkly. "I hate shrimp." Her eyes grew wide and her mouth dropped in bewilderment. Perplexed, I couldn't comprehend why my words had provoked such a strong response. It wasn't until many years later did I realize that for her family, shrimp was a luxury.
Help please?
It was evident that accessing help was a challenge.
Should be It was evident that assessing help was a challenge.
assessing
Actually, assessing means to evaluate. :)
