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Living with my parents is a life of forced obligations; Transfer Essay; Ben Franklin


kimjisa1 1 / -  
Mar 11, 2013   #1
Question: "Ben Franklin once said, 'All mankind is divided into three classes: those that immovable, those that are movable, and those that move.'"

Which are you?

The metamorphosis from the moveable to autonomous, or those that move, is an apparent depiction of my existence as of today. From the transition of my uncanny adolescence to emerging adulthood is a portrayal of my changing character. Such characteristics of mine - motivation, intrinsic passion, and independence were a result of my upbringing and temperament.

I can describe living with my parents, especially the influence of my tyrannical dad, a life of forced obligations, restriction and confusion. My desires and wishes were artificial and forced upon. Such desires and wishes to fulfill my own personal interests and requirements were absent! I lived a life of submission and the absence of self-fulfillment. This influenced my academics, and most importantly, my personal growth during my adolescence. Those years were full of despair, perplexity, and a broken moral/ethical compass. In such, I would describe these years as fluid and moveable. From my familiarity and encounters, I view the "moveable" as people without a self realized character and a lack of individuality. In all, there can definitely be positive motivators and driving forces, but the forced wishes from a narcissist being is surely not one of them.

Certainly, having entered college has allowed me to destroy the ghosts of my past - and to create my own spirit. I have since severed ties with my father, as I believed it will allow me to create my own existence. I started to fashion my own motivation, my career interests, and a sense of identity. I no longer wish to be the doctor in the future that my dad had in store for me, I wish to help our society instead by fighting crime and solving mankind's problems. Why? It is the question I ask myself, and every time it leads back to my personal zeal towards mankind's flaws. Certainly it must be my own drives that have caused me to change my major, have a new outlook on life, and create my own sense of motivation and positivity. I believe that self-actualization and the answer to the truth of life about humans comes from within. I, along with many other people in this world, have external pressure brought upon our peers, family and our society. Although such influences are inevitable, I find the meaning of survival and life can only truly come from within.

I think my biggest issue might be if I'm staying on topic or not, and if the essay flows or not. Thanks so much in advance!!

temberger93 3 / 12 1  
Mar 11, 2013   #2
Well, you're staying on topic, but I think the wording of the essay comes across as a bit crude while attempting to use some refined vocabulary. Granted, I'm not saying don't flex your vocab muscles, but make sure it sounds good if you were to read it as a speech. For example, the first sentence: "The metamorphosis from the moveable to autonomous, or those that move, is an apparent depiction of my existence as of today" could be reworded more eloquently to something like:

" I would describe myself as one who transitioned from being moveable to being autonomous." This is simpler and still gets the point across, although my personal taste is to stay within the confines of the terms they're using (Ex: I would personally say I went from being moveable to a mover, just so it's clear to the reader what you're conveying early on).

I also think that overall tone is important. Admissions officers, like many other readers I imagine, want to mitigate being bummed out as much as possible. Your negative experiences are important, hell, even my essay has that, but you want to strike a balance between describing what affected you and how you overcame it. The good thing is you have a bit over 100 words to do it.
formenthos 3 / 20 2  
Mar 12, 2013   #3
Crit review. Don't take it personally, but I want to quickly hit points hard so you can change them.

The metamorphosis from the moveable to autonomous, or those that move, is an apparent depiction of my existence as of today. From the transition of my

You sound snobbish. Drop the complex language. It is drawing out your sentences without necessity.

I can describe living with my parents, especially the influence of my tyrannical dad, a life of forced obligations, restriction and confusion. My desires and wishes were artificial and forced upon. Such desires and wishes to fulfill my own personal interests and requirements were absent! I lived a life of submission and the absence of self-fulfillment.

If you can describe something, or better yet, if you're going to mention a detail, you need to expand on it. Don't throw us bone without meat on it. Consider tossing the tyrant dad part. It's a gut punch. But the thing is, you're not scoring sympathy points. I don't doubt that your home situation had defined you. I have some experiences on that front. But plan this out with an outline: if you write point A, you need point B, otherwise, stick with the higher point #1 instead. Details. If you're not providing them, don't hint at it.

Those years were full of despair, perplexity, and a broken moral/ethical compass. In such, I would describe these years as fluid and moveable.

You're reflecting on things. It makes perfect sense to you, not to the audience. Again, details, or I don't want to hear it.

The rest of this essay keeps with this problem. You're summarizing personal experiences... You're demonstrating to me you can summarize, and thats about it. You're not showing me the "transition from movable to autonomous (self moving)". You said that was your point, and you've neither illustrated each state of being for your life, nor have you illustrated the turning point or change from being moved to self moving.


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