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I love marching band - meaningful contribution


lornam 3 / 16 3  
Jan 3, 2013   #1
I promise I'll return the favor to anyone who comments. Thanks for the help!

Which of your contributions to your school, community or the larger world is most significant to you? Why?

A barren parking lot in the middle of the suburbs. A drop of sweat that quickly grows and multiplies, cascading down my face, my back, my arms and legs, rendering me a sight unsuitable for society. There is little glory to be found as a member of the marching band. Practices are long and tedious, with numerous hours spent learning how to walk in a stiff manner and refining an eight minute show. However, nothing is more rewarding. There's something magical about being able to mold a group of one hundred or more individuals, each with their own idiosyncrasies, into a unit that plays together, that moves together, that breathes together. The band becomes your extended family, and for the few minutes it takes to perform the show, everyone is united. It doesn't matter that I'm only one member, that I'm not an essential piece of the show. All of the time and effort exerted over the past few months becomes worth it.

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moon05 13 / 133 20  
Jan 3, 2013   #2
A drop of sweat that quickly grows and multiplies, cascading down my face, my back, my arms and legs, rendering me a sight unsuitable for society.

The band becomes your extended family...

you can extend a little more. About the Why! I mean why it became worth it! You should have said that as everyone is united and they are performing as a team, here everyone's role is really important. I guess you playing in another world compared to your team wouldn't be nice to hear! So tell that, how you are important and every single person is important, not how you are not an essential piece!
OP lornam 3 / 16 3  
Jan 3, 2013   #3
Thanks for the advice! Is this any better?

The band becomes your extended family, and for the few minutes it takes to perform the show, everyone is united. It doesn't matter that I'm only one member; when putting drill on the field, every person is a potential hole and, as thus, is equally important. And so all of the time and effort exerted over the past few months becomes worth it.
alicederp 10 / 56 4  
Jan 3, 2013   #4
This is beautifully written. However, I would recommend that you elaborate more on why this particular contribution to your school is significant to you other than you just enjoy being in a group (if this is your reason, I would suggest to talk more about this but in relation to yourself instead of a to the group as a whole).

Hope I helped! Could you please take a look at my essays?
Thanks!


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