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'lucky to be born in the 20th century' - The AIF Application


dith 1 / -  
Feb 23, 2012   #1
Please, please help me refine this article, it is crucial to me. I am a foreign students, so, please point out nay grammar error that you see. Or there may be some usage of english which is not correct, please point it out. thank you very much!!!!! Dose it sound persuasive?

Please tell us about your educational goals, your interest in your chosen program(s), and your reasons for applying to the University of Waterloo. If you have applied to more than one program please discuss your interest in each program. (900 character limit)

We are lucky to born in the 20th century, the century that witnessed the germination of computer science; we are lucky to live in the 21st century, the century that provides chances to create new era for those who fight for their dreams. Everyone have the chance to change the world, so do I. I made up my mind to donate all my passion to the innovation and development of computer theories and applications ever since I began to realize the great persistence and courage that Alan Mathison Turing displayed. Now, I am on the way to achieve the goal in my heart. Studying in the University of Waterloo will pave the way for my personal achievement since it is the best place for to get in touch with the masters and the companies in computer science. Bachelor of computer science is my educational goal in University of Waterloo because I will study in Master degree when I can support myself.

Ethan1221 1 / 2  
Feb 23, 2012   #2
We are lucky to born in the 20th century, the century that witnessed the germination of computer science; we are lucky to live in the 21st century, the century that provides chances to create new era for those who fight for their dreams. Everyone have the chance to change the world, so do I . I made up my mind to donate all my passion to the innovation and development of computer theories and applications ever since I began to realize the great persistence and courage that Alan Mathison Turing displayed. Now, I am on the way to achieve the goal in my heart. Studying in the University of Waterloo will pave the way for my personal achievement since it is the best place for to get in touch with the masters and the companies in computer science. Bachelor of computer science is my educational goal in University of Waterloo because I will study in Master degree when I can support myself.

Red = Doesnt make too much sense.
Blue = Never start with I
Green = You want to tell the college more about yourself and the character you have. You want to show discipline or courage which you might have from doing a certain task. This doesnt really show your character because any monkey can write that they are devoted to studying, which in reality might not be true. Write about a topic which is closer to your heart. Maybe something like who inspired you, or a personal issue you might have.


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