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Mac essay-Macalester College supplement about diversity

yf8651 16 / 31  
Dec 26, 2009   #1
Hello, guys! I do not know whether what I describe matches well the requirement of "diversity".Please help me improve my essay and correct my grammar error.

Prompt:Describe a situation where you had to work or closely associate with someone from a culture very different from your own. What challenges did you face and how did you resolve them?

As the train roared on the North China Plain, the familiar cornfield outside the window was replaced by paddy field, making me uncertain about the future. For the first time in my life, I left home alone for a month to learn English in a strange city. My destination is Shanghai New Oriental Language School, a place for learners all around the country. I had intended to improve my English there, but I benefited more from various cultures carried by different classmates.

In the class, I was only a middle school student while others came from high schools, if not universities. After I managed to approach them, with my sincerity and friendliness, I found myself in a group as diverse as I could imagine. We four students living and studying together is a good example of such diversity. One person is a member of Yi Ethnic Group; one comes from west China; one is local Shanghai resident while I come from a small village in Jiangsu Province.

Shen Zhi, who is Shanghai native, introduced the best restaurant nearby for our first meal together. We chatted, jested and laughed while eating. The food was so delicious that I felt ready to burst. However, Bai Li and Lu Qiu did not eat much. They came from places where Sichuan Cuisine prevails while the dishes served were Huaiyang Cuisine, which is very different from Sichuan Cuisine. Though Shen Zhi and I liked the Huaiyang Cuisine, which is famous in Shanghai and Jiangsu, Bai Li and Lu Qiu were not very accustomed to it. Feeling obliged to let Bai Li and Lu Qiu learn more about the food culture of my hometown, I, as an amateur of Chinese culinary art, began to introduce the Huaiyang Cuisine to them. From the cuisine's origin to its features, I tried to make what I was saying comprehensive and attractive. They showed so great interest in my topic that I felt they must had changed their attitude to Huaiyang Cuisine due to my effort. However, when I advised them to eat more food, they refused my good intention in a roundabout way, which made me very frustrated. Their reaction made me realize, for the first time, that cultures could influence other people but could not be imposed on others. After that, we four people often went to McDonald's to avoid divergence and displeasure to a certain cuisine of the traditional food.

During the one-month class, my English skills improved a lot with rigorous courses; however, what I learned more is something about culture. Different cultures met, collided and interacted everywhere around me, making me realize that cultures, with some traits that are irreconcilable, need tolerance and understanding of people. Like species, cultures are beautiful because of their diversity.
guitarbfour 1 / 2  
Dec 26, 2009   #2
is this a macalester supplement?
You use a little bit too much Jargon that needs some explaining, but otherwise it's good
OP yf8651 16 / 31  
Dec 26, 2009   #3
Hello, guitarfour! Thank you for your comment.

BUt I do not quite get it about"Is this a macalester supplement",do you mean it digress from the point or it is not a standard admission essay?

Please be more specific about it.

Thank you and good luck to you.
guitarbfour 1 / 2  
Dec 26, 2009   #4
no, I just didn't see it on the app.
For the first time in my life, I left home alone for a month to learn English in a strange city. - Awkward phrasing

I had intended to improve my English there - you already explain this. Leave it out.

take out the names of the people and possibly the ethnic groups

Have a better last sentence. It's cliche and general right now

I like how you guys all bond over food. The sentence at the beginning is utterly beautiful. Are you applying from abroad? Hope to see you at Mac!
OP yf8651 16 / 31  
Dec 29, 2009   #5
guitarbfour: Yes, I applied from China. Are you in Mac college now?

By the way, you said that "take out the names of the people and possibly the ethnic groups", I want to know why? Can anyone tell me?
dingpx - / 11  
Jan 11, 2010   #6
Is one of your friend named 甚至?

This essay generally looks good, related to the cultural diverse, but I think you can make it more impressive.
Try to tell the school more about how diverse Chinese culture can be. Through language, for example, the girls from Sichuan must talk differently from you and the Shanghai friend. Try to mke some controversy, some dilemma and some challenge to make the essay more intriguing.

Good luck.
Nice to meet someone in this forum, if you want, we can learn each other more. Q: 304682885, please noted yourself when adding me as friend

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