Macalester supplement - 'minor problem with our cultural difference'

Well, this prompt is for international applications.

My essay is mostly criticized as offence to the readers. I really need your comment on how to reduce the offensive aspect of my essay, cuz when writing it, i didn't mean to offend anyone :((. I'm thinking about writing a brand new essay, but tomorrow is the deadline =.=, so if you guys have any suggestion on improving this one, please help!

Sorry in advance if anyone of you find this piece of work offensive.
Prompt: Describe a situation where you had to work or closely associate with someone from a culture very different from your own. What challenges did you face and how did you resolve them?

...

Here is the sup for SJU (Minnesota). Deadline in few hours, I don't want to start a new thread so please moderators, delete my Macalester essay, they have quite the same topic :D

Here's the prompt: "How has your ethnic background and/or your involvement with cultural activities in your school and community helped you to better appreciate diversity? How do you intend to use your knowledge and skills to further the CSB/SJU goal of deepening intercultural understanding?"

Being a teacher, the least thing you want is to stand alone before a large class where students range from 6-14 years old. Regarding their ages, each requires particular attention. I teach in that kind of special class at Youth House, a place for children living in the fishing village near Red River.

The first time I got here, it was as if I stepped into a sub-cultural group so different from mine, like I was from a different generation. It was normal that children are naughty, but they behaved so different from my standard. On my first experience as a teacher, I was harassed with weird questions, to which I honestly answered "I don't know". After showing my ignorance to those children's world, I seemed to be rejected by them. They did not obey my instruction, did not answer the prompt I gave them even though they could. Many times the frustration raised and made me want to give up. Was the few-year gap between them and me that large?

However, as headstrong as those children were and was also more triumph-seeking, I didn't give up. After all, we were all Vietnamese, such small difference in age could not diverge us. I asked other more experienced volunteers about the children background, and I even visited their place near Red River. They didn't have even one-half the accommodation I had, and their parents were often too busy maintaining their life that they could not look after fully their children. That's why my students were quite disobedient, and sometime were even aggressive. Knowing the reason of our difference, I approach them in a different way, using presents for commendation rather than punishments for their waywardness. Though I have tried hard, the disparity line cannot be fully eradicated, and their naughtiness still often made our teaching time like a small fight.

Youth House welcomes foreign friends every few weeks. They also teach here, and if there are foreign teachers, we Vietnamese volunteers must ensure that they can interact with those children. After all, those friends come here to know more about Vietnamese culture, and through our actions as well as through the children, we always try to show the best image of Vietnam. However, the children tend to show more defiance when being taught by foreign volunteers. As I have said, it is a challenge for us Vietnamese to teach them, yet it's even like making a Mission Impossible IV when assisting foreign volunteers on classes.

It was usual to hear uproar from the above class even before I got halfway up the stairs. The reason for the chaos that day was that the children didn't want to study English, while the foreign volunteers, a Korean girl named Soon-ei could only teach that. Therefore, another local volunteer and I had to help her teaching. I made a compromise with the children: we teachers would sing one song, then they had to study. Our minor difference in music taste emerged there. Choosing a suitable song was not easy, while the children only want fast and exiting recent Vietnamese pop, I only knew English songs and a few old Vietnamese ones, and the Soon-ei knew Asian songs instead. However, after some of my performances were rejected, Soon-ei suggested she would sing a popular children song in Korean: the three bears song. To my astonishment, the children could also sing this song, probably because of the Korean serial film Full House they had watched before. Eventually, that orchestra went smoothly with a lot of joy, and even though I could not sing that song, I contribute an "impressive" bear imitation performance. Probably Soon-ei didn't know what trouble she had saved us. I just hoped the incident would give her a nice impression about Vietnamese children.

That was just a minor minor problem with our cultural difference. Another time, our foreign co-worker was a Malaysian girl. From her attire, I bet that she was Muslim (but I don't really know, even now). Instead of pointing words on the board with her index finger, she used her thumb. I was discreet enough to show no surprise to that, for I thought it was her habit. However, the children kept wheedle me into asking her. Fortunately that I have asked her, for I knew a new knowledge after that: it is considered rude for Malaysian to point by your index finger. After that, the children started pointing things by their thumbs, probably just for fun. But it was truly a cultural exchange for me and my "students" to know about that custom.

Volunteering at Youth House, I learn that knowledge plays an important role in deepening intercultural understanding. If we don't understand the origin of other people's custom, we will think that they are weird. Therefore I have resolved to learn new languages after my high school time. Language is the key to comprehend a foreign culture. Most likely I will learn Japanese, for their culture is vast and interesting. Hope that one day I can share my knowledge about Vietnam with other students in CSB/SJU, as well as learn exciting things about their culture.

I've put your suggestion to use, thank you very much Kevin.
Do you guys think I should delete the second and third paragraphs, my essay is a little bit long I think

ok well i don't know if this is offencive or not because i didn't get it
i read it over twice but the essay was too hard to follow. It was too informal at times and too confusing. I'm not sure what the challenge was - the korean girl or the vietnamese children and i'm not sure how you overcame this challenge or learnt something from it

maybe its just me but this needs a lot of work
sorry

oh thank you, so it is really hard to understand due to my switching back and forth between the girl and the children right? In fact, I want to focus on the taste of music problem. I'm really stuck with essays about cultural diversity, cuz I don't have much experience about it.

well when i'm stuck for ideas i search around for an essay (usually on this site) for an essay of a simliar topic - in your case dealing with ethical/cultural differences.

Have a look around and see if you can find some ideas to improve your own essay

at the moment you do not have a clear point to make. I had no idea this essay was about music.

Though it is good that you are trying to use the taste of music as a difference in the cultures. You just need to make it consise, clear and interesting if you can. But more importance on the first two

good luck

thank you very much
i've search some "culture" essay on this forum before editing my first draft, maybe I should take another trip before write a new essay

I'm going to have to agree with everyone above. Your "difficulty" isn't clear enough in my opinion. You touch on too many little details all over the place - I think you should focus on one main thing. For example you could focus on the childrens' disrespect towards foreign volunteers and provide examples of it - if you can't remember any make one up if you have to.

And don't use "guy" in an essay. :P

Being a teacher, the least thing you want is to stand alone before a large class where students range from 6-14 years old. Regardless of their ages, they are all naughty and each requires particular attention. I teach in ...

If there are foreign volunteers, we must ensure that

...

It was usual to hear uproar from the above class even before I got halfway up the stairs. The reason for the chaos that day was that the children erratically didn't want to study English, while the foreign volunteers, a Korean girl named Soon-ei could only teach that. Therefore, another local volunteer guy and I had to help her teaching.

This is great: I made a compromise with the children: we teachers would sing one song, then they had to study.

I think you should focus on that excellent idea (above) and tell about how WELL IT WORKED!! Talk about the agreement to do one song and then study, over and over. Get rid of all this:

In our hopeless effort, those mischievous students suggested another solution: [...] Hope that one day when that Korean girl come home, she won't tell her relatives that in Vietnam, I met a young guy who dance sexily and impressively.

yay, thanks Kevin and pris, I give up on Mac but I will write another similar essay about intercultural diversity for St. John University, hope that this essay will be better

Is that St John's Univ. in Minnesota as well or the one in NY or something?

Being a teacher, the last thing you want is to stand alone before a large class where students range from 6-14 years old. Regarding their ages, each requires particular attention. I teach in thatthis kind of special class at Youth House, a place for children living in the fishing village near Red River.

The first time I gothere AVOID SLANG, it was as if I stepped into a sub-cultural group so different from mine, like I was from a different generation.

Rather: It was as if I was from another generation
It was normal that children are naughty, but they behaved so different from my standardyou may rephrase this sentence. During my first experience as a teacher, I was harassed with weirdstrange questions, to which I honestly answered "I don't know". After showing my ignorance to those children's world,I seemed to be rejected by them. They did not obey my instructions, did not answer the prompt I gave them even though they could. Many times the frustration raised and made me want to give up. Was the few-year age gap between them and me that large?

However, as headstrong as those children were and was also more triumph-seeking , I didn't give up. After all, we were all Vietnamese,.Such small difference in age could not diverge us. I asked other more experienced volunteers about the children's background, and I even visited their place near Red River. They didn't have even one-half the accommodation I had, and their parents were often too busy maintaining their life that they could not look after fully their children. That's whyThis is why my students were quite disobedient, and sometimes were even aggressive. Knowing the reason for our differences, I approached them in a different way, using presents for commendation rather than punishments for their waywardness. Though I have tried hard, the disparity line cannot be fully eradicated, and .Their defiance still makes class period like a small fight.

You could avoid slang and grammatical errors. It would also help to be more concise. Otherwise, it sounds ok!

The last thing a teacher wants is to stand alone before a large class of students ranging in age from six to fourteen . Regardless of age, each student requires particular attention. I teach in that kind of special class at Youth House, a place for children living in the fishing village near Red River.

I think that instead of cutting out those two paragraphs, you can cut out unnecessary sentences in those long paragraphs toward the end. This is a memorable essay, full of vitality.

I hope that one day I can share my knowledge about Vietnam with other students in CSB/SJU, as well as learn exciting things about their culture.