please help me correct my essay and give me a feedback. The deadline is coming!thank you
As I picture it, my college would offer me a chance to explore my academic fields deeply and broadly and also allow me to take full advantage of its vibrant community. Lafayette stands out with its 47 interdisciplinary areas of study, 250 clubs and organization, intercollegiate sports. Lafayette college is also renowned for its championship in College Fed challenge. But what interests me most is it " Cur Nor" spirit which allows students to take risk through its boundless educational programs.
As I picture it, my college should offer me a chance to explore my academic fields (or are you doing a double major? Not sure, don't mind me) deeply and broadly (basically the same thing as deeply) and also allow me to take full advantage of its vibrant community. Lafayette stands out with its 47 interdisciplinary areas of study, 250 clubs and organization, and intercollegiate sports. Lafayette college is also renowned for its championship in College Fed challenge. But what interests me most is its " Cur Nor" spirit which allows students to take risks through its boundless educational programs.
Looks good so far! What I would do first is think about minimalizing the "46 interdisciplinary...College Fed challenge" bit. It's likely that they have many many many applicants listing the surface merits of the school, so to stand out, consider writing about one aspect very thoroughly, like the "Cur Nor" that you mentioned. I would expand on that. What are some educational programs you're really interested in? What is it about these programs that make them unique? Why do you prefer these programs over other schools' programs (assuming you're applying elsewhere)? You could also talk about a couple of clubs that you would want to join, or some intercollegiate sports you're interested in. What they're looking for is an essay that is specific to Lafayette AND to you - so they know you're not just reusing the same "Why _____" essay for multiple schools. Cheers!
Please take a little time to help me critique my essay? I think our deadlines are around the same time :)
thank you for your feedback.
I changed my essay a little bit. hope it look better.
As I picture my college, it should have a vibrant community which allows me to explore my academic fields deeply and broadly. Besides matching my wishes and having outstanding interdisciplinary areas of study, 250 clubs and organization and intercollegiate sports, and its championship in College Fed challenge, Lafayette interests me most for its " Cur Nor" spirit which allows students to take risks in life. I know by reputation that Lafayette provides students ability to make their own destiny. So, " why not" Lafayette?
the essay is limited to 250 words only. but i exceed it. It's really hard for me to cut it down. Please give me your opinion and feedback about my essay. Thank you very much!
2. Lafayette offers the opportunity to create your own major or start a new club. If you could pursue either option, what would the major or club be, and why is that an interest of yours?
If Lafayette college gives me a chance to hold a club, I will definitely create an advisory club. My reason has a long story to go. It went like this: Nguyen was my classmates in grade 6. She was named " Big mama" because of overweight appearance. She had a weird style as she always wore the most trending clothes though it did not suit her. She was also a sensitive girl: once her nickname was called, she burst out in tears. Then she rushed to the toilet, at there I usually reassured her. She did stop crying but it did not last long. She kept crying every time somebody teased her. One day, during my private talk with my teacher, she asked me to help Nguyen. " but I have helped her"_ I replied. " it's just a short_term way. What she needs is someone to help her overcome her inferiority. I trust you can do this". Thanks to my teacher, I realized that calming down her was not enough, but making her confident was more important. Then I had a heart to heart conservation, in which I showed her that there are many famous people who do not have ungraceful appearance but they still succeed because of their talent. I also helped her choose the suitable outfits, letting she know that she can be beautiful in her own way and there is no need to copy other people. From that time, a shy girl had gone and was replaced by an active one, which other students complimented on her. From that event, I found out my talent in listening to other people and helping them solve them out. I am so happy to know that I am the first person my friends can turn to when they are in trouble. Life puts people under pressure: there are hundreds of things to be bothered with. At that moment, I am very willing to lend them a hand by listening to their own problems and consulting them. Therefore, an advisory club turns out to be ideal.
As I picture my college life ..
Perhaps delete "matching my wishes" and focus on your actual wishes
I know by its reputation...its students
I like that it's short and sweet and not tiring to read :)
Read mine?
the first one about making an advisory club is is interesting but you have grammar errors.
e.g. From that event, I found out my talent in listening to other people and helping them solve them out
Since then, I have discovered that my talent lies in listening to others and helping them find solutions to their problems.
out of the next 2, i like the first one better
