"Can we make a difference in the world?" Notre Dame

Well it has certainly been awhile since I have been here last. I only had about two posts anyways but I finally found my way back to the forums haha. I am applying to Notre Dame and I have written my first draft of my essay and would like a second opinion on how it is coming together and such.

If someone would be so kind to want to read it or evaluate it I will send it to them or just post it on here.

Thanks!

Edit: Mainly with the essay I have a few questions after you read it to see if you understood my tone and where I was going with some of my statements. Ahhh I'm so nervous about this! Haha

"1. The Rev. John I. Jenkins, C.S.C., President of the University of Notre Dame, said in his Inaugural Address that, "If we are afraid to be different from the world, how can we make a difference in the world?" In what way do you feel you are different from your peers, and how will this shape your contribution to the Notre Dame community?"

I am merely a normal, mildly popular teenager who thrives off of Starbucks coffee, obsesses over designer clothing, and loves to cook. I am a loyal subscriber and avid reader of Architectural Digest and a self-proclaimed, number one fan of the writer Tom Robbins. I am athletic to the point where my father flattered me with claims that I was the next Tiger Woods-however I knew better. In addition to golf, I enjoy playing and following almost every other sport imaginable.

I think being different is more of my secret identity. Sometimes I feel like I stand ten feet tall above the crowd but in reality I blend in like the average Joe. I have learned to not allow the few things that separate me bother me because they define who I am. If I am afraid of being ten feet tall, I am afraid of being myself. In a way, I am proud of the few things that make me different. I accept that I am one out of one thousand people my age who reads Architectural Digest and wears Ralph Lauren.

A community is composed of a diverse group of people with common goals. In my opinion, the key word in that definition and the point of Rev. Jenkins' quote is diversity. He suggests that with diversity comes great challenge but even greater reward. I believe I can contribute an abstract viewpoint on almost any subject and support my opinion with integrity and an open mind to conflicting ideas. I can accept others for who they are and relate to their own funny habits and interests and hopefully incorporate them into my education as well.

I hope my own personal character will help shape and define a group effort, or common goal, that will result in a positive influence in the Notre Dame community. If it were possible to mold together many diverse people and opinions into one communal effort, where would the possibilities end? I could only hope to be a part of it.

(Please note: I need to add more/finish the conclusion.)

Well my aim was to have the first sentence be ironic or almost sarcastic in tone. Maybe that was not clear enough?

Thanks for the help

The sarcasm is coming across either as arrogance or as conflictual remarks; it is very difficult right away to determine tone because there is nothing for your reader to compare it to. It is difficult to effectively use these literary devices in an opening for this exact reason; you may be better off to save this for further down in the text.

Could a moderator delete this so I can post it under a new member name? My name right now is a tad revealing and I think it is highly possible someone I know may stumble upon this via google. I will repost it under a new member id.

Thanks

Each member only gets one name, and that is the identification you entered when you created your membership. You can create a whole new membership, but that will not remove the items that have been posted under your old ID.

So you are telling me you cannot make one exception to this rule? I would quickly just repost it and then copy and paste all posts by the users as soon as it was done. Hell I'll do it before you delete it. It is not like I am doing this for a malicious cause intended to do illegal or bad things. I just fear embarrassment from friends and peers if it is discovered. There is no difference to you guys/girls if it is under one name or the other and it will still be viewable on the forums.

Thanks

It is not a matter of making an exception; the system will not allow it. I cannot edit your member name. If you wish, you can make arrangements for payment, as per our terms of service which you agreed to upon membership for the deletion of the posts, and then you can create a new member profile and then repost the same material.

Alright. Thanks for your time.