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How to make my essay more rememberable?-Virginia tech transfer



oreo2016 1 / 1  
Feb 13, 2014   #1
Hey guys, I am transferring to Virginia tech and this is the Personal statement prompt "State why you wish to leave your present college and attend Virginia tech? maximum 250 words

I am having trouble making it personal and rememberable with so few words. I am also about 20 words over limit. What can I take out without taking away from the meaning.

When answering the question: "what are your career goals?", for my eighth grade scrapbook project, I answered, a biologist; and when the admissions officer interviewing me for the early college program at X College, I said again, a biologist-today that still hasn't changed. I know what I want. Now a sophomore at X at 18, I couldn't be more sure. I have had opportunites in college at 16 that my highschool peers havent got to experience yet. I have planned and executed an entire ceremony for the entire freshman class as a freshman, worked with international students from all over the world, and conducted experiments and dissections on a variety of subjects.

Yet, some things are missing socially and academically. I have an interest in biomedical engineering that I can not pursue at my current college nor is there enough research opportunites for me to participate in. I am also a commuter so I don't have a traditional college experience like I would if I lived on campus and even if I did, the campus is not active and most students leave over the weekend. Additionally, I would like to have a stronger Native American community than I do now being 1 of 3 Natives on campus.

Virginia Tech provides me with a large, beautiful campus with active students and Native American community. And as a respected engineering and research university, it has numerous opportunites for me to participate in research and pursue a minor in biomedical engineering. I look forward to stepping on the Virginia Tech campus as a junior in the fall.

Nisam - / 1  
Feb 13, 2014   #2
I think you should change the introductory sentence. You should explain why you wanted to be biologist and what is appealing about it.
dumi 1 / 6793  
Feb 14, 2014   #3
I think this is a very good advice.

When answering the question: "what are your career goals?", for my eighth grade scrapbook project, I answered, a biologist; and when the admissions officer interviewing me for the early college program at X College, I said again, a biologist-today that still hasn't changed.

What they would be interested in knowing more is why you wanted to be a biologist and not about other related stories. It's ok to tell them if they have a direct link to the reason why you wanted to be a biologist. Make sure everything you say finally would help them understand your decision of changing colleges.
Pahan 1 / 1824  
Feb 15, 2014   #4
"what are your career goals?", for my eighth grade scrapbook project,

It is not very clear to the reader what connection your eighth grade scrapbook project had with your career goals. If this eighth grade story is not a very important one, then leave that out from writing because the it can confuse the reader.

I have an interest in biomedical engineering that I can not pursue at my current college nor is there enough research opportunitesopportunities for me to participate in.

I am keen on pursuing biomedical engineering, however, my current college neither does not offer that course nor provide research opportunities in that area.


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