"how we manage these imperfections" - Umich setback essay

Hey just wanted to know if anyone is willing to recheck this paper and let me know of anyways to improve it before submitting.

Setback Essay
Describe a setback that you have faced. How did you resolve it? How did the outcome affect you? If something similar happened in the future, how would you react?

He who is my beaming ray of sun is humble, openhanded, and keen. For a part of my life, he guided me through many choices I made. It was he whom I shared un-forgettable life lessons, un-regrettable life memories, and an un-changeable bond. "He" was my father.

January 2006 I knew everyone including myself had to be ready for change. My father was given an opportunity by the military and federal government to take on a job that would change our lives and the lives of others forever. He felt obligated to take on such an important role for the security of our country and left everything that was significant to him here in America. As I watched my father leave the country I felt a part of me disappear with him. I operated on my consciousness of fear for his safety that I began to lose perspective of things around me. From that point on I began to get that mere feeling of what it was like to not have a father figure around. Communication was and still is not easy, those daddy-daughter talks are no longer there, and that boost of motivation in my life is so distant that it faded away. I began to rebel and felt that maybe that was a solution to bring my father back home. I did not listen to my mother, I did things I was taught not to do, and lacking concentration towards my academics were few of the many ways. My mother took care of my brothers and I, the business, the bills; I noticed a little bit of stress and depression overtaking her. It felt as if everything began to fall apart. I soon realized this is a wake-up call and I listened to what is being taught through this. I trained myself to become independent and chart the waters on my own; I was no longer daddy's little girl. My father's absence motivated me to become the strong self-determined person I am today. Setbacks are choice points in life; I had the choice to become independent and rebuild that missing part of me, or to leave it empty and I chose to rebuild.

Change is inevitable. It is a tool used by some to improve or change, while it is used by others as an excuse or reason to give up or whine about their circumstances. The big issue is not our setbacks; they are part of life. The issue is how we manage these imperfections so that they do not dictate us. As we liberate from our own setbacks, our presence automatically liberates others. I plan to liberate others with my presence at the University of Michigan.

What made you realize this? Perhaps there was an event that pushed you over the edge.


This was unanswered.

Some grammar things that should be corrected, proofread it once, and change them. Also, seems like it's unfinished, but it's well crafted so far.

Thank you so much!!
Its actually complete unless you suggest a different way of ending it?

You've got too many weak verbs and not enough action verbs in what could be a very strong essay:



Look at how often you use the verb "to be" in your opening and closing paragraphs. Replace as many of these with action verbs as possible. Go through the rest of the essay, getting rid of empty modifiers and extraneous phrases. Then you will have an essay worthy of the story you are trying to tell.

^^ should be my brothers and me :)

Got you =)

but hey e.f. simone when it comes to identifying those type of things I must admit I am horrible =( what exactly do you mean?

Look at every time you use the verb "to be" and ask yourself how to phrase the sentence using an action verb instead.

For example, instead of saying, "setbacks are choice points in life," say "setbacks force us to make choices." Instead of saying "it is a tool used by some," say "some people use it as a tool"

Ah!! I understand now that was helpful! Thanks

What exactly do you think of the ending was it too abrupt?

It's big a vague. How, exactly, will you liberate others?

It sort of refers to the sentence before; as we liberate from out own setbacks our presence liberates others. As i plan to liberate from my setbacks in the near future I will liberate others at the University of Michigan... do you sort of understand what I'm saying?

Hey can someone rephrase these sentences for me?

I began to rebel and felt that maybe that was the solution to bring my father back home. I did not listen to my mother, I did things I was taught not to do, and lacking concentration towards my academics were few of the many ways I rebelled.

I began to act out, disobeying my mother and deliberately neglecting my academic studies in a rebellion designed to convince my father to return.

I began to rebel, feeling that this was the way to bring my father back home. I ignored my mother, neglected my studies, and did things I had been taught not to do.

Thank you very much!

I thought to show how i improved from this setback and how i changed from it and i wanted to know if these few sentences explains it well:

My father's absence motivated me to become the strong self-determined person I am today and allowed me to realize the potential I have as a person. With this, I began to see my home the way it was when my father was there. Being able to have that feeling of comfort once again allowed me to participate and focus more on my academics. This particular setback left me stranded in front of a diverging road; one road is characterized by growth and maturity, the other by pessimism and dependency. I'm still on my way to becoming a mature and independent young woman.

A series of vague and general statements . . . not a great way to go.

What's the best way to fix it?

How about trying something concrete and specific? I would be so myself, but I naturally don't know the concrete details of your life. You will have to choose something yourself and write about it.