Marching band section leader: a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment

I feel i need to add more but i don't want to ramble.

In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community.

I will always remember the day that I was chosen to become a section leader in my high school's marching band. I was driving down the road with my mom and my phone began to ring. Since I had been waiting weeks for this one call, I whipped out my cell phone and answered it. When I recognized the voice on the other end as my band director, my heart soared with excitement. While I was as happy as can be, my mom was giving me a glare that could kill. I hung up the phone, with a huge smile on my face, and glanced over at her to tell her the good news. "What did I say about answering the phone while driving?" she growled. But after I told her the news she was so proud of me it almost seemed like she forgot about the whole talking-on-the-phone-while-driving thing.

While I was totally excited about this opportunity, I was equally on edge. What if I couldn't be a good leader? What if I failed? Well, failure just isn't an option for me. During my term as section leader, I blossomed out of my shell as an individual. I worked hard to learn how to gain respect from my peers and to get everyone to work together as a team. Being a leader isn't all about the glory of a title. It is about bringing people together to overcome an obstacle in life. Whether that obstacle is teaching your peers a marching routine or leading a lab group in a classroom, both situations need a leader to guide them. As I enter adulthood, I more and more see myself as the person to take charge. When I get in to college, I will no longer be a child. I will be a young adult who is in control of my own future. I fully plan to push myself to do my best to get the most out of my education.

Hi Sarah

I found your first paragraph interesting, and frankly, quite funny. But after writing it, did you ask yourself, "What have I learned from this experience"? I think that you don't address that question.

The problem with your essay is that it talks about two separate events --
A) Before you became the section leader.
B) After you became the section leader.

The second paragraph is more closer to what the prompt asks. Therefore, I have the following suggestion:-

Pick one experience you had as the section leader. One in which you dealt successfully with some of the problems that are inherent to a leadership job.

If you still want to write about that car and phone incident, try to show something which came out as a result of that experience.

Then you need to think of something else to say! :-) An essay of 5 paragraphs usually says only one big idea. And it has maybe 3 smaller ideas to support it. The secret:

Artfully support your ideas in paragraphs that include examples.

Hey, I just read it and it is great! You have a cool writing style. Now... make an astute observation about the implications for your future.

Also... tell the next exciting thing worth telling! You built some conflict, so get us to the resolution. What is the next part of the story?

I think you should make it longer and you shouldn't say you're going to push yourself harder in college because it sounds like you're not working hard at the present.

A little better??? I'm still brainstorming :)

What if I couldn't be a good leader? What if I failed? Well, failure just isn't an option for me.--- melodramatic. Cliche...

I fully plan to push myself to do my best to get the most out of my education. ---- this is a big assertion, but you could say it in a better way. "Fully plan" does not work...

You write very well!! I am just trying to give you ideas to make it better.
Can you think of a concept that is central to what you are saying? You are single-minded in your focus. Instead of saying "failure is not an option," tell about what happened when the pressure of the leadership position caused you to reconsider what you believed, and it helped you to identify what you want to study in college.

:-)