Marine Biology program, University of NC at Wilmington essay admissions question

I am applying to UNC Wilmington's Marine Biology program. I am having trouble writing my essay for the application. Here is the question, what they are looking for and my answer so far.

Required essay-every essay is carefully reviewed by the admission committee for content, clarity, mechanics and effort. Essays may be an important factor in distinguishing admissible candidates within the applicant pool. Please answer the following question thoughtfully in 300-500 words.

Reflecting on your personal and educational goals, please write about how you believe UNC Wilmington will allow you to grow as a student and as a person?

here is also what I found in the FAQ section about the question:
13. I heard my essays must "jump off the page." How do I do that? What should I write?
Answer the question asked. This is an opportunity to learn more about you. What we want to see is a well-written essay that gives us some insight into you. Proof your essay and be sure the essay gives us a "feel" for who you are. Avoid the "I am" "I do" essays. We will have that information from your application.

Since a very young age, marine life and how it all worked have fascinated me. Conservation of marine mammals and sea turtles is a major goal in life for me. At the University of NC in Wilmington I feel like these goals and dreams can come true. I gravitate toward the ocean especially the coast of North Carolina. My vacations usually take me to the outer banks were I have also visited with a Coastal Biology class in October of 2003 through ETSU. The Center for Marine Science is very impressive from reading about it on the UNCW website. I look forward to studying under the expert professors learning marine mammal behavior and sea turtle conservation. After seeing the complex social structure that exists in a gray wolf pack I want to learn more about social structures of marine mammals. The marine mammal stranding center through the CMC will provide great experience for obtaining a job after graduation. Also I am considering attending graduate school at UNCW. Getting a B.S. in Marine Biology there would provide a strong foundation for a successful graduate degree. North Carolina has been my home for the past two years and I love it. Please give me the chance to be taught by the wonderful professors and researchers at your institution. I feel the atmosphere at UNCW is perfect for learning. The opportunities through community outreach will also be great experience in teaching others how to conserve and appreciate the oceans we all love. I am prepared to move to Wilmington in order to achieve my goal in obtaining a Marine Biology degree from UNCW. My future life work will be studying marine mammals and sea turtle conservation with your help.

Please help me make this a better and longer essay. This is what I love and want to do. Marine mammals and sea turtle are my passion along with ocean conservation..I was not very good at writing. When someone proofread for me I had tons of red marks.

Thank you for helping me get into UNCW.

When someone is really inspired about something, their ideas have a kind of freshness and a compelling quality that people can only describe in a poetic way, such as "it jumps of the page."

But what does that really mean? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so I guess excellent writing is in the eye of the reader. But we can't help feeling impressed, no matter who we are, when we see an essay that expresses a clear plan... something somebody is really trying to do.

Your essay shows that you, like many students, are interested in marine biology. You can distinguish yourself by showing that you are different from the others. Use 3 paragraphs for this instead of writing it all in one long paragraph, and at the end of the first paragraph give a sentence that you would write if you were only allowed to write one sentence for this whole essay. What would that sentence be? Whatever it is, it will become the theme for your essay if you put it at the end of the first paragraph.

In paragraph 2 it would be great to write about books and articles you you have read (written by marine biologists) and also some professors at this school with whom you'd like to study. Write paragraph 2 all about the resources you will use at this school and the goals you have for the future.

Do not waste any sentences stating simplistic, obvious things like this:
Getting a B.S. in Marine Biology there would provide a strong foundation for a successful graduate degree.---- too obvious. Use all your paragraphs to express your plan for using th resources at this school.

By the way, you could help a lot of people in this forum; your writing is better than you think! :-) please spend a few minutes helping other people with their essays on the "Unanswered" list... especially people struggling to learn the English language.

:-)