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"Maturing from your mistakes" Topic of choice essay



serenesky 2 / 2  
Sep 27, 2010   #1
Just finished my essay finally! Would appreciate some grammar check. And any criticism, insights, changes would greatly be accepted ^___^

Being at work after school has become a daily routine that nothing spectacular ever happens while sitting on this white chair. Delivering prescriptions within walking distance without much interference or trouble was as simple as putting biscuit into a basket until that one afternoon which felt like the end of the world, made me realize a valuable life lesson.

"Thank you, that would be $5.09," I said as I handled the money and she signed off her prescription. The day felt never-ending and energizing as I walked back to the pharmacy only soon to find myself in misery. I walked in with a delightful smile and gave the pharmacist the signed paper till that one question struck my mind. "Where's the money?" Anxiously, I rambled through my pockets endlessly searching for it only to find myself in distress. I bolted out the door and backtracked my way through - no luck. The pharmacist told me it was okay and that just don't repeat the same mistake again, learn from it. Even though it was a small mistake, I just couldn't let it go at that moment for it was such a simple task that shouldn't be mistaken.

I sat there, emotionless, and the images kept repeating itself that I couldn't manage to bring it to a stop. Abruptly, I reminisced of my childhood. The time when falling off staircases was almost like a hobby for me. Tumbling down a one story high, metal-like staircase, and effortlessly crying was a challenge. Falling off a stone, cemented staircase earning myself scraped knees, elbows and a nosebleed made me realize crying won't get me anywhere. But rather to stand up, learn from what you did wrong, and don't dwell over your mistakes. And so I went straight back to work and did what I needed to do because mistakes are obstacles in life in which you must overcome to better yourself. I continued being hardworking everyday, to show the pharmacist and myself that I'm capable of overcoming problems and not muddle over it.

Maturing is what helps build you into a stronger person because you'll know your rights from your wrongs. Having this job definitely helped me for not only did I learn to stand up from my mistakes, I learned to handle money and that money doesn't come to you, you have to earn it. But because of this job, I grew to love helping people in which will pursuit me in my goal of being a nurse.

uchihakula - / 4  
Sep 27, 2010   #2
Although your story is truly sincere it is not heart-felt and would never strike admission officer due to the lack of vivid emotions and the very common traps of generalization and oh-I-learn-this-from-this kind of story. To make your essay powerful, you should not overuse adjectives but employ verbs of action to describe emotions and conclude/make it open-ending story in a subtler way.
taytayy 2 / 3  
Sep 27, 2010   #3
I really like the story you chose to back up your essay on maturity!

My favorite part is :
"Falling off a stone, cemented staircase earning myself scraped knees, elbows and a nosebleed made me realize crying won't get me anywhere. " Indeed, trying to be hardcore gets you nowhere. Only by getting back up and embracing your mistakes can you get started.

--------------
Being at work after school has become such a daily routine that nothing spectacular ever happens while sitting on this white chair. Delivering prescriptions within walking distance without much interference or trouble was as simple as putting biscuit into a basket until that one afternoon, which felt like the end of the world, made me realize a valuable life lesson.

"Thank you, that would be $5.09," I [insert whatever adjective.. happily.. nonchalantly, mindlessly...i dono.. said as I handled the money and she signed off her prescription. The day felt never-ending and energizing as I walked back to the pharmacy only soon to find myself in misery. I walked in with a delightful smile and gave the pharmacist the signed paper till that one question struck my mind. "Where's the money?" Anxiously, I rambled through my pockets endlessly searching for it only to find myself in distress. I bolted out the door and backtracked my way through - no luck. The pharmacist told me it was okay and to just not repeat the same mistake again,but instead, learn from it. Even though it was a small mistake, I just couldn't let it go at that moment for it was such a simple task that shouldn't be mistaken.

I sat there, emotionless, as the images kept repeating itself,which I couldn't manage to bring it to a stop. Abruptly, I reminisced of a time in my childhood whenThe time when falling off staircases was almost like a hobby for me. Tumbling down a one story high, metal-like staircase, and effortlessly crying was a challenge. Falling off a stone, cemented staircase earning myself scraped knees, elbows , and a nosebleed made me realize crying won't get me anywhere. But rather to stand up, learn from what you did wrong, and don't not dwelling over your mistakes. And so, I went straight back to work and did what I needed to do because mistakes are obstacles in life in which you must overcome to better yourself. I continued being hardworking everyday, to show the pharmacist and myself that I'm capable of overcoming problems and that I refuse tonot muddle over it them.

Maturing is what helps build you into a stronger person because you'll know your rights from your wrongs. Having this job definitely helped me for not only did I learn to stand up from my mistakes,

-->I learned to handle money and that money doesn't come to you, you have to earn it. But because of this job, I grew to love helping people in which will pursuit me in my goal of being a nurse. "I learned to handle money" does not fit in with the rest of the sentence...not sure what you are trying to say there.

my grammar is not the greatest.. but i tried. there you go!


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