Prompt: Why are you applying to your chosen course? (approx. 400 words)
The woman in front of me noticed my existence and smiled. "Could I help you?"
I nodded. I asked what kind of product they offered. She kindly explained that the company is focused in making screws for various military purposes. I saw many screws, all in different size and shapes, displayed on a big glass table in front of my eyes. Those are for the tanks, she pointed some of giant-sized screws, and those are for combat aircrafts. I said thank you and continued to explore the exhibition.
It was a scene from back then when I was in 10th grade. I was chosen as one of the participants of a national debate competition conducted by the Ministry of Defense of Republic Indonesia, and we got a chance to experience an international defense and aerospace expo that was held that time for a few hours. It was really fascinating. Various countries and multinational corporations gathered in a huge hall, all of them displayed and showed every defense, aviation, and aircraft technology they have. I got to see the real military four-wheel drive, a number of aircraft prototypes, and also heavy tanks. I learned that selection of metallic spring, screws, and even safety equipments are mandatory besides material and design of a vehicle. Before, I didn't know all of this, let alone paying attention on it. But this rare occasion changed it all.
Seeing all of this made me realize that Indonesia is still struggling to produce its own vehicle and airplane. It happens that producing is much expensive rather than buy it. So, the government usually prefers the latter over the former. However, as a person who was born and grown up in Indonesia, I also hope that one day this nation would be able to produce airplanes that everyone can enjoy.
I have a dream to contribute to national development, especially land or air vehicle manufacturing. Therefore, I was really excited when I knew that Tohoku University is offering undergraduate programs in English, especially mechanical and aerospace engineering. For me, this is the perfect chance to gaining knowledge about what has been my interest since a long time ago. The university's excellent reputation also strengthened my choice to be an engineer here. I believe that becoming a student in Japan, especially in Tohoku University; will give me a lifetime experience that I will cherish forever.
Please tell me if this responds the prompt, whether is it enjoyable, and if there is any grammatical mistakes. Thank you in advance!
Good job on including a personal story- it shows the admission committee a bit of who you are. You might to be a little clearer in the beginning as to where you are in your memory. Perhaps start off with, "I was in tenth grade, exploring an international defense and aerospace expo that was only in town for a few hours." Then, you can delete the same sentence later in the paragraph. Try to research more about Tohoku University and WHAT makes it unique. Other universities also offer aerospace and mechanical engineering programs in English too? What makes you want to go to Tohoku?
I wish you good luck with the rest of your application!
It was a scene from back then when I was in 10th grade.
Are you talking about the scene at the exhibition or something else? Not very clear :( You are starting a new para and therefore it should be a new idea.
Seeing all of this made me realize that Indonesia is still struggling to produce its own vehicle and airplane.This exhibition made me realize that Indonesia is still struggling to produce its own vehicles and airplane.
... well airplane is also a type of a vehicle :D