people tend to meet online rather than in person
It is claimed that more and more young people are interested in meeting other people online rather than face-to-face. There are several reasons for this and also advices are given to change this situation.
It is inevitable that there are certain causes of increasing online communicating for the case of globalization and the convenience it brings. Firstly, due to the development of the world along with the dramatically growth of technology, people literally do everything on the internet namely communicating, sending files or information, taking pictures and so on. As a result, the young generation is required to update daily to catch up with the latest trend as they are on behalf of their countries in international competitions or meetings and they are responsible for the face of their motherland. Secondly, the most crucial reason why the youngsters choose socializing online is that they can benefit from the convenience of the internet. With facebook, instagram, zoom and so on, all the meetings or chitchats are now available online and they are all free. Therefore, more and more teenagers utilize the social network for communicating as they can meet each other anytime, anywhere and as many people as they want to at the same time without wasting time traveling around, in addition, meeting another one in person can lead to some extra fees such as drinking, fuels-related fees and so on.
However, this trend emerges some detrimental impact on young generation because meeting another one online can make people come up with some diseases like obesity or even harm their eyes. Or even worst, they may soon forget how to talk to each other when they meeting face-to-face. That is why some solutions are suggested to this problem. Firstly, adults should raise the important of communicating directly to their children. As teenagers still rely on their parents, they are forced to obey their requirement, which leads to the process of encouraging children to meet others in person is easier. Secondly, the government may consider force the gigantic tech corporations like twitter or facebook to impose a fee for video call or chatting in order to limit the frequency of teens use the call. Because not many family are wealthy enough to pay daily or monthly for such a fee like that, the youngsters under the pressure of their family are no other choice than meeting directly.
As things considered, there are two prime reasons why young people tend to meet online is for not being an outdated ones and the convenience of this communicating method. Nevertheless, there are some issues to this development, which occurred some measures to be taken such as the education of adults about how vital it is to have a face-to-face meeting and also the intervention of the government to require the the social network company to strain the accessing of teenagers in terms of socializing online.
PLEASE HELP ME CHECK THIS ESSAY AND GIVE THE BAND SCORE OF THE IELTS IF POSSIBLE. THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
First of all, nice job.
However i have several questions.
1. why the dramatic technology development cause the young generation being required to to update daily? I don't get it.
2. I found some grammar errors
3. i think you could shorten the essay to make it more concise. now some repeated sentences with similar meaning.
PS not an expert, just my personal thoughts ^ ^
1. Your writing contains 480 words, which is too much for a writing task 2. You probably do not have enough time to write a 480-word essay in 40 minutes.
2. this trend
emerges has created/had some detrimental impact on young generation -> To my knowledge, "impact" doesn't go with the verb "emerge"
3. ... make people
come up with catch/get some diseases ... -> I reckon that "come up with some diseases" is incorrect as "come up with" means to think of an idea or plan.
4. the government may consider
force forcing ... for video call video calling or chatting ... of teens useusing the call Holt Educational Consultant - / 11,210 3650
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Your reasoning paragraphs are over explained, You need not present 2 reasons with every paragraph. A simple 5 paragraph explanation of 1 effective reason is enough. You are supposed to be able to convince the examiner of your opinion based on quick, short, and understandable English explanations. You do not need to overwhelm him with information as you are not being asked to complete an academic research paper. This is only an academic opinion paper. Do not confuse the 2. The academic opinion paper can always be completed within 275-290 words. Use the 2 reasoning paragraph system to keep your word count in check.
Your concluding paragraph should not include new information for the discussion. Never continue the discussion at that point. Always summarize the discussion instead and complete the presentation within 40 words. If possible use 3 sentences to close the essay. Just restate the topic, the reasons, and your opinion. You are presenting too many grammar errors, the most marked of which is constant run on sentence usage, which will lead to the lower than expected scoring of your work.