"Meissner effect" - My world view was mostly shaped by my school - MIT

Hello everyone. Please, help me to improve this essay; it still looks clumsy. Any criticism is warmly welcomed.

"Describe the world you come from; for example, your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations?".

Please, check the new one, especially beginning.

I live in a world where I must fight to feel alive. Word "fight" does not mean anything brute, but I cannot find better definition for the liquid fire that runs in my veins when I solve problems on the Olympiads. If life is not measured in years, but by the deeds of men, then I can sincerely say that truly alive I was for several dozen times - and I have no regrets about it. On the Olympiads I have met smart and kind people with whom I would be glad to live and work side by side, and dedicated, selfless scientists and teachers, whose advices I followed not only in studying. Moments of Olympian life burn in my memory like supernova stars: I deciphered nasty NMR spectra, taught fellow Olympians how to do right push-ups to grow muscle mass, and founded tradition to spend "gold" prize on pizza and pineapples for all the team. I learned from every person I met on the Olympiads, and, if someone thinks that the only thing I could learn this way was Chemistry, he makes big mistake. People of Olympiad taught me that self-made man is, above all, the man of work. Moreover, despite thrilling spirit of competition, moral principles of our community can be expressed the best way in Duglass's words: "All human experience proves over and over again, that any success which comes through meanness, trickery, fraud and dishonour, is but emptiness and will only be a torment to its possessor". In sum, Olympiads taught me how to love Chemistry, life and the world I live in.

This has the potential to be a very strong essay, with a little work first though. Your theme is great. I probably couldn't even begin to understand some of the topics discussed in this essay! Which is probably a good thing since this is an application essay to MIT! The only outstanding thing I noticed right away is all of your many, many run on sentences. You have a lot of lists here which you should consider breaking up. Otherwise great essay and good luck getting accepted!

Hi. There is new version of the essay, please, check this one.

My world view was mostly shaped by my school, since it has very strong community of alumni, and most of them work in the scientific field. I remember, how I was fascinated, when I firstly attended calculus course, saw Meissner effect on a piece of ceramic that I immersed to liquid nitrogen, or when my friend explained to me fundamentals of quantum chemistry.

[...]

You should drop the Messner Effect in the title of the essay and just mention it in passing within the actual paper. Your concentration should be on how the school -- its faculty members, classmates, and organizations helped shaped the person you became. That is because you mentioned in the title that your world view was shaped by your school. The Messner Effect does not have a truly point of view shaping effect on a person. That kind of influence comes from your interaction and discussion with your school peers. Concentrating on that will definitely improve the paper much more. I hope this helps you in the further revision of your paper. Keep up the good work. The paper is shaping to be a great one.

My world view was mostly shaped by my school, since it has a very strong community of alumni (no comma) and most of them work in the scientific field

This is my suggestion;
My world view was mostly influenced by my school which got a very strong alumni community that has many members working in the field of science.


... what is the relationship of the alumni of your school to this? You need to maintain a good flow :(

I remember, how I was fascinated I was (no comma) when I firstlyfirst attended calculus course, saw Meissner effect on a piece of ceramic that I immersed to liquid nitrogen, learned how to work with IR spectrometer.


I remember my enthusiasm while talking about my interest topics such as total synthesis or nasty NMR spectrum, with some well known scientists and undergraduates


All such experiences convinced me that I love chemistry and I long for solving complicated problems and enjoying sheer beauty and fascinating logic of chemistry.

Hi. Thanks for your feedbacks, especially dumi, you really helped me. There is new version, please, check it.

My world view was mostly influenced by my school, which got a very strong alumni community that has many members working in the field of science. Due to their efforts I could attend advanced courses and lectures taught by real scientist. I remember, how fascinated I was when I first attended calculus course, saw Meissner effect on a piece of ceramic that I immersed to liquid nitrogen, learned how to work with IR spectrometer. I remember my enthusiasm while talking about my interest topics such as elaborated total syntheses or complicated NMR spectrum, with some well known scientists and undergraduates.

[...]

P.S. Is it OK to place two "I remember" one after another?

It is alright to use the term "I remember" twice since it indicates the start of a new sentence and thought process. Using it twice and separating it using commas is not alright. That would be a redundancy.

I think your best bet is to change your point of view or the way you approach your essay. Remember these admission officers are going to read 15,000+ essays. Do they really wanna hear My name is Ryan and I should go to MIT for these 5 reasons? The answer is no. Be creative. Turn it into a short story. I was in the same place as you. Trying to figure out what to do. Turning it into a story makes it easier to write, more interesting, and it adds flare. So try to approach the essay completely differently. That is what helped me.