Tell us about who you are. How would your family, friends, and/or members of your community describe you? If possible, please include something about yourself that you are most proud of and why. (maximum 250 words)
METAPHOR THAT DEFINES ME
A tree is a metaphor that defines me. Thus, as the tree possess branches, I possess various skills and I'm competitive at each of it. Besides academics, I have acquired several skills in sports. Beginning with football at an early age of 6 my passion for it lives up to this date. I have represented my school in grade 8,9 and 10. Furthermore, I learned and excelled basketball within a span of 5 months.
Creativity is another dimension that defines me I have been trained professionally in Drums I have participated in 3 concerts till date with an audience ranging from 100 to 250 plus. I have also excelled in Photography, a skill that was self-taught. This has given me reward & recognition in school from winning ' the best photographer' in MUNs to being the head of photography in a TEDx youth event, something I am extremely proud of. Besides Creativity & Sports, I have wholeheartedly performed community services by teaching Maths to underprivileged students.
My parents would describe me as a conscientious, mature and a clever person as these characteristics were developed due to my father's recurring absence linked to his job requirements. Among my friends, I am seen as a reliable, empathetic and a dynamic person.
My skills represent the branches, my constant growth represents the trunk and my aptitude to learn new things represents the roots of a tree.
There are little grammar mistakes, if you focused on you will be better.
Thus, as the tree possess branches: it must be "possesses"
it is highly recommended that the number 6 and numbers under 10 should be spelled out.
My skills represent the branches, my constant: Two independent clauses shouldn't be joined only by a comma. Avoid comma splices. It should be separated by a period. or; or conjunction.
Overall, your essay is well-written and you have a wide range of vocabularies. You just focus in these little mistakes on grammar.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 12,840 4176
Anish, when the prompt asked you to describe who you are, the prompt did not mean for you to go into a metaphorical explanation of your character, abilities, and beliefs. You did not read the complete prompt. The prompt wants to know who you are, based on the opinion of other people. Not just your parents, but your friends, and community members opinion of you as well should all combine to help give the reviewer of who you are. The a rephrasing of the prompt requirements is "Tell us who you are in the eyes of other people". That is why there is a direct reference to the people whose opinion of you matters to the reviewer. The only part where your opinion and vision of who you are comes in with the "Tell us what you are most proud of" reference. That is where you use you discuss one accomplishment that outshines all your other past accomplishments. It is not a build-up of accomplishments in various aspects. It is a singular success that you have which you feel can define you as a person in an overall context. This essay is due for a rewrite, not a revision. Write a new essay based on the explanation I just gave you so that you can properly deliver the prompt requirements.
You focused on giving something about yourself and didn't give the same attention to the parents or friends opinion. This is quite confusing because the main question is to let someone describe you. I think you can reread your essay and give more space to the parents to describe you. It will be better and impressing. Lastly, try to talk to your parents and let them describe you, it will be more convincing as you will get something real. And also try to remember old situations to enhance your essay with good ones so it will be a great improvement.