This my opening. Please give many feedback.
The world I come from is packed with strong cultural traditions, love, acceptance and diversity. I am a Californian with roots in Mexico, America, and Europe. My father immigrated to the United States from Mexico when he was 16. Leaving his ranch life, he brought with him the religion, traditions and the work ethic of his un educated family in Mexico. My mother grew up on a farm as well. Coming from a long line of Portuguese dairy farmers', hard work, perseverance and dedication to her family is inherent to her. My family diversity is compounded when adding my step father to the mix, a service man of the Royal Air Force in England, world traveler and part of my life since I was 5 years old. The world I come from has made me a cultural mosaic with an understanding and tolerance for diversity and compassion for others.
Its a strong introduction.i think it throws light on the diverse background, you come from. are you in the process of applying to UC or are you already done? i am so scared. i have finished my freshman applicant essay and i am still editing the other one. would you mind reading my essays once im done?
Neha :D
Thankyou, I will post the rest of my essay in a moment, I would be glad to read yours.
Here is the essay in it's near "completenes"
The world I come from is packed with strong cultural traditions, love, acceptance and diversity. I am a Californian with roots in Mexico, America, and Europe. My father immigrated to the United States from Mexico when he was 16. Leaving his ranch life, he brought with him the religion, traditions and the work ethic of his uneducated family. My mother grew up on a farm as well. Coming from a long line of Portuguese dairy farmers', hard work, perseverance and dedication to her family is inherent in her. My family diversity is compounded when adding my stepfather to the mix, a service man of the Royal Air Force in England, world traveler and part of my life since I was 5 years old. The world I come from has made me a cultural mosaic with an understanding and tolerance for diversity and compassion. My goals, dreams and aspirations are to take that compassion and tolerance and spread it to others.
My sympathy and broadmindedness is not rooted in one experience but in the diversity of experiences made up of the weekends I stayed with father, the weeks spent at my grandmother's ranch and my travel to other countries. "Mi papa's" weekends are filled with family sized carne asada bbq's in the park, shopping at the flea market and nine of us piling into a cozy two-bedroom apartment. I consider my father poor, in that, he lacks a certain amount of material possessions and money, yet for my father, poverty does not get in the way of living. He showed me commitment to family and religion and I remember him saying on multiple occasions "someone always has less than you so give generously." Like weekends with my father, summers with my grandmother are a learning experience. Up at dawn, working alongside my grandparents in the fields and the fruit stand leaves me with knowing how to work hard. But most importantly, the farm has become an escape from life in the city, stress of school and the drama of being a teenager. My other escape is to other countries, I am blessed and fortunate to have a travel-addicted mother. Unlike many of my peers, I have had the opportunity to travel to 12 countries. I visited my family in Mexico and in England multiple times as well as "exchange sisters and brothers." Whether I am in a two-bedroom apartment, on a large ranch or in another country I always feel comfortable. My varied experiences have given me sense of acceptance and excitement that I share with others wherever I go. I dream to be a global citizen, like the revolutionary Thomas Paine wrote, "My country is the world, and my religion is to do good." I hope to influence others to treat people with respect regardless of race, religion or economic level and to be responsible and proactive in reducing inequalities by being the example my family was to me.
I consider my father poor, in that, he lacks a certain amount of material possessions and money, yet for my father, poverty does not get in the way of living.
that will show that you are trying to gain sympathy! so you might want to change that a bit. try to pass that message on more subtely or dont sort of directly say that you are poor. some of the college instructors are skeptics (from what i have heard)