Hello, I would like to get my U Mich essay edited for clarity, structure, and pretty much anything else. Also, the prompt says the word count should be approximately 250 words (but is currently 286), will that be a problem? If so, I would appreciate some help on that. Thanks a bunch!
Essay #1 (Required for all applicants. Approximately 250 words)
Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it.
Ten years ago, indissoluble bridges linked every house in my cul-de-sac. There was a strong sense of conviviality and a powerful camaraderie between the residences of Halsey Lane-doors always stood unlocked, and supper was often shared.
To me, the most memorable event that united our community was the annual pumpkin butchering. Every child, and some parents, partook in the massacre. We scattered guts and viscera upon the patio of Ms. Denis, the ever obliging host, and consumed the pumpkin bread which she seemed to supply endlessly. It was this carpe-diem event that always let me escape the troubles of day-to-day life and strengthen familial ties with my neighbors.
When my parents bought a new house on the other side of town, it felt like I had lost a brethren. The familiar surroundings of my cul-de-sac disintegrated and was replaced by a foreign street with new kids. I would retreat into my room and lounge upon the floor and throw open a book, immersing myself in various authors' worlds to distract myself from the despair and guilt of leaving my comrades.
The following October, I convinced my parents that we drive back to our old neighborhood for the pumpkin butchering. When we got there, old faces greeted me with cheeky smiles, tight bear hugs and a sign that said "Welcome Home". At that moment, I realized what an integral member of the gang I was. Seeing everyone back together again with baseball bats in hands allayed the guilt I'd felt for leaving them.
Incidentally, I've attended every butchering since I moved, and each time I'm reminded that the cul-de-sac of Halsey Lane is neither gone nor forgotten. I know that the doors will stay unlocked for me.
Chris, the essay is really good. You were able to perfectly depict the community that you came from and how it functioned. What made the community work and the kind of camaraderie that existed were all quite vivid and lifelike on paper. Indeed, it is an excellent first response to the prompt. The hook was engaging enough to make me want to read on. However, your opening paragraph seems a bit short. The ending is quite abrupt. I believe that you need to provide a transition sentence at the end so that the reviewer can be eased into the next paragraph properly.
The overall essay shows us how you were involved in the community as a member. However, your explanation of your contribution to the said group should not be limited to a mere membership role. When you are discussing the pumpkin butchering event, try to show us a sense of how you help the members of the community. Maybe you helped with the decoration of the house of Ms. Denis, or you helped clean up afterwards. We need to see a clearer sense of what kind of contribution you make to the community other than enjoying certain festivities during the year. One way you can do that is by introducing us to other people from the community whom you have helped somehow in the past. Yes, even if that contribution was as simple as walking the dog or taking out an elderly neighbors trash.
You should find a way to create a sort of relationship between you and the community so that when you get to the part where you have already moved and then you come back to join the pumpkin butchering, the reviewer will know that a part of that desire to return includes your desire to continue being a part of the community in a positive way. Right now, it just seems like you go back to be a mere member. As someone who has moved away, you should be doing more for your previous community than just that. You said so yourself, they embraced your return. So how do you pay that back through your position or the creation of your position within that community?
Hello, thank you so much for your quick response! I completely understand everything you said; I'm just not sure how I can include the more meaningful relationship between my community and me without cutting out important details since I don't want to go too far over the word limit. Do you have any suggestions as to which parts can be cut out, etc? Again, thank you very much.
Chris, here is the one important thing that you should know when you are writing an essay with a word limit, you always have to write more than the word limit in your first version. Don't worry about the word count the first time you write the response because if you always have the word limit in mind, you will not be able to properly tell your story nor include all of the important data. You will drive yourself up the wall trying to do that :-)
Instead, you should write everything down.Say what you want to say. Include all information that you feel is important. Don't leave anything out. This is your chance to get your thoughts down on paper. Forget the word count. Then, as you proofread your essay, you will find yourself unconsciously deleting the parts that are unnecessary, redundant, or simply, rephrasing certain sentences in order to make it tighter. All of these processes are part and parcel of not only editing the essay, but also of bringing down your word count.
So for now, just go ahead and tell your story. Then post the extra long essay in this thread. We will help you whittle it down to the necessary word count. With any luck, you might even be able to pick up some ideas or suggestions that will further help to improve your essay :-) Go ahead and write. Just write, we will help you take care of the rest.
I have redrafted and added some things, thank you for your words of encouragement :).
Ten years ago, indissoluble bridges linked every house in my cul-de-sac. There was a strong sense of conviviality and a powerful camaraderie between the residences of Halsey Lane-doors always stood unlocked, and supper was often shared. My friends and I would even water each yard for free, as we were so fond of each others' families.
To me, the most memorable event that united our community was the annual pumpkin butchering. Every child, and some parents, partook in the massacre. We scattered guts and viscera upon the patio of Ms. Denis, the ever obliging host, and consumed the pumpkin bread which she seemed to supply endlessly. Being the oldest child there, I was always assigned the cleanup role. Reluctant but determined to fulfill an obligation, I would grab the mop and sweep up pumpkin bits. It was this carpe-diem event that always let me escape the troubles of day-to-day life and strengthen familial ties with my neighbors.
When my parents bought a new house on the other side of town, it felt like I had lost a brethren. The familiar surroundings of my cul-de-sac disintegrated and was replaced by a foreign street with new kids. I would retreat into my room and lounge upon the floor and throw open a book, immersing myself in various authors' worlds to distract myself from the despair and guilt of leaving my comrades.
The following October, I convinced my parents that we drive back to our old neighborhood for the pumpkin butchering. When we got there, old faces greeted me with cheeky smiles, tight bear hugs and a sign that said "Welcome Home". At that moment, I realized what an integral member of the gang I was. Seeing everyone back together again allayed the guilt I'd felt for leaving them. As I scrubbed pumpkin remains off the patio in the aftermath of the slaughter, I felt I was home again.
Since then, I've attended every butchering since I moved, and each time I'm reminded that the cul-de-sac of Halsey Lane is neither gone nor forgotten, and I know that the doors will stay unlocked for me.
Now this is an essay you should be very proud of Chris :-) You were able to represent your role in the community from various angles. The reviewer can clearly see that you are not just a member of the community, but also a helpful member who comes from a community that considers everyone a family member. Not a bad approach to responding to the essay.
With regards to the concluding paragraph though, I still feel that more can be done with it. It just seems to have ended on such a serious note. I think it is because the paragraph falls short of the number of required sentences. Let me see if I can improve on it a bit. Just to give you an idea as to how to better develop that part:
Since then Long after I moved from my childhood community, I've attended continued to attend every single butchering since I moved, . and e Each time I go back, I'm reminded that the cul-de-sac of Halsey Lane is neither gone nor forgotten, and I know that the doors will stay unlocked for me. I guess it is true that family is where you make it and for me, Halsey Lane is proven to be not just a community, but a part of my extended family as well.
Do you feel comfortable with the addition I made? You can use that addition if you want to. Otherwise, try to revise the paragraph along the same lines. I think it will give the essay a stronger ending.
Wow, I think those are great additions. That's definitely a more elegant, subtle conclusion; I love it! Thank you so much for all of your help.
Sorry for the double post, and I hate to ask for too much-but now that it's a bit more polished, can anyone give me some feedback on lowering the word count without eliminating important details and such?
Chris, one way that you can lower your word count is by using only simple words to describe events in your essay. For example, you can simply say:
Ten years ago, indissoluble bridges linked every house in my cul-de-sac
- Ten years ago, I lived in a close-knit community.
There was a strong sense of conviviality and a powerful camaraderie between the residences of Halsey Lane-doors always stood unlocked,
- Everyone who lived on Halsey Lane treated each other like family, so we were always welcome in each others homes.
Every child, and some parents, partook in the massacre.
-Young and old participated in...
We scattered guts and viscera upon the patio of Ms. Denis,
- The pumpkin mess scattered...
The familiar surroundings of my cul-de-sac
- ... of my community
I would retreat into my room and lounge upon the floor and throw open a book
- I retreated... and lounged on the floor with a book...
to distract myself from the despair and guilt of leaving my comrades.
- ... from sadness of
Sometimes, all you have to do to shorten your word count is to be less flowery and poetic with your words. Just be straight to the point using easily understood terms and the word count will immediately go down.
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