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"military analogies" - UC Admissions Essay

Armand 1 / 1  
Oct 23, 2006   #1
Hey, can y'all help out a bit? I've been told this essay was a tad...impersonal.

Essay 1
Although military analogies are reserved for aged generals rather than young men, I cannot describe my approach to education in any other language but that of the military. How else could I describe my two pronged assault into the domains of my passion: politics and art?

The first thrust of this invasion was into the impregnable stronghold of words, handshakes, and melodrama that we call politics. Speech and Debate, Mock Trial, and Model UN have been my primary engines for this endeavor; I have struggled mightily in those fields, achieving both the glorious victory of a golden placard and the shameful defeat of an unfavorable ruling. I managed to not only strengthen my arsenal of political arguments, but more importantly, to forge a fortress of self confidence.

But it is not only through politics that I have achieved progress on the campaign towards collegiate success; through artistry, I have fought my way through the sister fields of writing and video. It is through the production of award winning films and the management of an often unwieldy crew that I learned to lead men by their hearts, and the crafting of essays for AP classes and literary magazines that I learned to lead them by their minds.
EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Oct 23, 2006   #2

You have written an excellent essay. I don't see the need to change anything (except perhaps to put hyphens in two-pronged and award-winning). If you have any room, within your word limit, you could add one more short paragraph that's a little more personal in tone, if you like. The ending, as is, seems a bit abrupt. You might say something about what you look forward to in college and how it will affect your life -- just a suggestion. Other avenues would work just as well.

Best of luck!


Sarah, EssayForum.com
OP Armand 1 / 1  
Oct 23, 2006   #3
Hey, thanks a lot for the feedback. The issue is that I'm already over the word limit---do you think I need to incorporate more personal material within it and cut out some other material, or should I just keep it as is?
EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Oct 23, 2006   #4

I might suggest that the first two sentences are a little repetitive -- you use "describe" twice. You might be able to combine them and save a few words.

It's a judgment call, but my opinion is that it works as it is. Having said that, if I'm really looking for opportunities within the essay to bring more of a personal feel, I'd consider re-writing this sentence: "I managed to not only strengthen my arsenal of political arguments, but more importantly, to forge a fortress of self confidence." You have just mentioned a glorious victory and a shameful defeat; if you wanted something "personal" you could inject just a bit of how that made you feel. But it's certainly not mandatory.

Hope this helps!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

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