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MIT-Sometimes I try and catch the setting sun (250 words)


nikamonster 9 / 38  
Dec 4, 2010   #1
Prompt: We know you lead a busy life, full of activities, many of which are required of you. Tell us about something you do for the pleasure of it. (100 words or fewer)

I drive. Sometimes I try and catch the setting sun. The most brilliant shades of red, orange, pink, and purple stare back at me, confirming the cycle of daily life, providing a comforting sense of routine. Sometimes I listen to the rhythmic whispers of a drizzling shower and intently search for some hidden wisdom just within my grasp. Sometimes on a gloomy day, I turn up the radio and yell out Taylor Swift lyrics to try and share a smile. To me, driving without any designated destination or time constraint is the best source of peace, solitude, and time for deep thought and personal reflection.

It's kind of an odd topic. Let me know what you think! I really dislike the Taylor Swift sentence, anyone else think I should change it?
coeurreign 2 / 45  
Dec 4, 2010   #2
The first sentence is a fragment, as you probably know, but i think you should change it. The concluding sentence isn't one. I feel like it could be the start of another paragraph. You could probably use it as your intro. As for the Taylor Swift statement? I like it. Maybe I'm just being biased because I love her, but it makes sense overall. I like the fact that your answer kind of takes on an abstract look on things.
StillLifeWitHam - / 15  
Dec 4, 2010   #3
I like it and your writing is very good. The only comment I have is that driving with no destination just sounds so...wasteful. It may not be something that rubs an admission officer the wrong way but for me, it is a bit of a jolt. If you decide to remove that little detail, I think the piece would still work. Good luck! You are really a good writer.
OP nikamonster 9 / 38  
Dec 13, 2010   #4
Thank you guys for the feedback!
Do you think this is an appropriate topic? It is rather unusual, and I'm not sure if it'll make me stand out in a good way or make me sound ingenuine.
coeurreign 2 / 45  
Dec 14, 2010   #5
I like it. I think it's a great topic. I mean, if it is something that you do to relax, then you should use it. It's very original and not something that admissions people will expect.
StillLifeWitHam - / 15  
Dec 14, 2010   #6
I like it too and the Taylor Swift part is nice.
Oleh 5 / 33  
Dec 14, 2010   #7
Personally, Taylor Swift gave me a chuckle, because I do that sometimes too. lol
I didn't know if you inserted to be humorous, but I think it definitely works well with the rest of your response. My only small little problem is that you use the word "sometimes" twice and I think you should take it out the second time. It sounds so much better without it, well at least I think.

This is a very refreshing topic.
So far I commented on the same prompt three times and only read about music, so good for you for choosing something different!
OP nikamonster 9 / 38  
Dec 14, 2010   #8
thank you, that's encouraging.
okay, will you guys read this new version of the Taylor Swift sentence?

Sometimes, when the sun is out, the sky is clear, and everything is going my way, I shout out Taylor Swift lyrics just like any other carefree teenage girl.

or maybe even

Sometimes, when the sun is out, the sky is clear, and everything is going my way, I shout out Taylor Swift lyrics just like any other carefree teenage girl.

better?
jas2011 3 / 5  
Dec 14, 2010   #9
I like the story, short but very informative and great use of description.
coeurreign 2 / 45  
Dec 14, 2010   #10
Out of the two? I like the first one. But, honestly, the Taylor Swift statements seem a bit awkward to me. Maybe try "Sometimes on a good day, I let loose and sing out Taylor Swift lyrics, like any other carefree teenage girl." Or something like that.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 17, 2010   #11
Sometimes I try and catch the setting sun.

Watch out! Eyes on the road, mister... :o) just kidding...

This is very good writing, obviously.

About the Taylor Swift sentences. It is a good detail, which helps to hypnotize the reader, but it seems without purpose. Many essays are well written but without purpose.

What should be one's purpose in writing an admission essay? I think it should be to convey the idea that s/he has invested a lot of time and energy into an ongoing plan that includes attending this school to which s/he is applying. I think the purpose should be to make the reader realize that you are one of those rare people that actually ahs a plan for the future. Therefore, describe the driving experience as one that involves pondering your careers of choice. Describe driving and setting specific goals.
OP nikamonster 9 / 38  
Dec 20, 2010   #12
thanks for all the feedback everyone!
here's a new version:
let me know if you like it better?

I drive. Sometimes I try and catch the setting sun. The most brilliant shades of red, amber, and purple stare back at me, confirming the cycle of daily life, providing a comforting sense of routine. Sometimes I listen to the rhythmic whispers of a drizzling shower and contemplate a new curiosity just within my grasp. Sometimes I merely enjoy the freedom of thought, the simple quietude, and the escape into my own, movable world. To me, driving alone is the best source of peace, solitude, and time for deep thought and personal reflection.


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