I only just found this website an hour or so ago as I typed my essay, and I was shocked by the pinpoint accuracy of some of the critiques here. Unfortunately, I haven't had the time to actually be active on this forum (this being my second post), so I'm hoping you guys will give me the benefit of the doubt - and the honor code!
Right now, my biggest worry is that my essay doesn't address the prompt strongly enough. Dreams and Aspirations seem to imply a stronger and more ambitious dream than what I addressed. Part of it, I feel, is that what I strive for (an aspiration, if you will) isn't directly related to success. My conclusion might also be somewhat weak.
Any advice you can give regarding these two concerns would be much appreciated. Well then, if you would, please fire away!
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Title: Mosaic
Total Words: 538
The world is a blaze of color and I consider myself lucky to have seen it. Born in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, I spent my earliest childhood under a crimson Canadian maple leaf. By the time I was six years old, the grey skies of New England had replaced the leaf, only to be in turn usurped by California's golden skies at age eleven. Between finding new jobs and dealing with layoffs, it became routine for my family to pack our bags, say good bye to our friends, and leave the world behind us.
Of course, I hated it. In the summer of 2003, I had just graduated elementary school. My friends and I celebrated with a pool party in my backyard. A week later, my dad found a job at Amgen and my family moved to California; I never saw any of my old friends again. Every time we moved, I lost my place at school and I was forced to reestablish who I was, and conform to a new peer group. It was terrible.
Today, however, I am grateful for what I was put through. Through these experiences, I slowly learned to open my mind - I couldn't help it. Each place I lived, each person I met, were so inexplicably different: one, a girl who now plays chess internationally for the United States, and another, a boy who was diagnosed two years ago with terminal cancer. They were each irreplaceable. I learned to appreciate the unique points of view which existed all around me. In fact, I was awed.
I gave voice to my awe, my interest, through constant classroom debate. I became known in my grade as an amateur lawyer and it surprised no one when I joined the debate club in my freshman year. However, here, I did not have the luxury to pick and choose my battles. When I received my first topic, I could barely breathe. Banning gay marriage? It was an issue which I felt strongly against; the very notion revolted me. While I researched, I unconsciously sabotaged myself, discarding arguments out of personal vendetta. At the next club meeting, when we presented our openings, I argued with the passion and resolution of a limp balloon. The president was not amused. Even as the rest of the group progressed in fleshing out the rest of their debates, he had me polish my opening for the next three weeks. It was during these three weeks, where I was forced to constantly challenge my morals and preconceptions that I experienced a gradual change. I no longer felt despair and nausea at the prospect of arguing my topic. Instead, I had begun to feel an electric excitement. Suddenly, the artifacts of my world were no longer fixed - instead, they moved and swam in front of me. Nothing was entirely certain and anything was possible.
Three years ago, I took my first step into a world of color. Today, I still walk that path. My experiences have bequeathed me the unique gift of being able to see issues from multiple vantage points. As I move forward, I hope to be able to understand the humanity behind the issues, to be able to see and speak with them eye-to-eye, on level ground. One day, I hope to be able to honestly and earnestly embrace the colors around me.
Right now, my biggest worry is that my essay doesn't address the prompt strongly enough. Dreams and Aspirations seem to imply a stronger and more ambitious dream than what I addressed. Part of it, I feel, is that what I strive for (an aspiration, if you will) isn't directly related to success. My conclusion might also be somewhat weak.
Any advice you can give regarding these two concerns would be much appreciated. Well then, if you would, please fire away!
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Title: Mosaic
Total Words: 538
The world is a blaze of color and I consider myself lucky to have seen it. Born in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, I spent my earliest childhood under a crimson Canadian maple leaf. By the time I was six years old, the grey skies of New England had replaced the leaf, only to be in turn usurped by California's golden skies at age eleven. Between finding new jobs and dealing with layoffs, it became routine for my family to pack our bags, say good bye to our friends, and leave the world behind us.
Of course, I hated it. In the summer of 2003, I had just graduated elementary school. My friends and I celebrated with a pool party in my backyard. A week later, my dad found a job at Amgen and my family moved to California; I never saw any of my old friends again. Every time we moved, I lost my place at school and I was forced to reestablish who I was, and conform to a new peer group. It was terrible.
Today, however, I am grateful for what I was put through. Through these experiences, I slowly learned to open my mind - I couldn't help it. Each place I lived, each person I met, were so inexplicably different: one, a girl who now plays chess internationally for the United States, and another, a boy who was diagnosed two years ago with terminal cancer. They were each irreplaceable. I learned to appreciate the unique points of view which existed all around me. In fact, I was awed.
I gave voice to my awe, my interest, through constant classroom debate. I became known in my grade as an amateur lawyer and it surprised no one when I joined the debate club in my freshman year. However, here, I did not have the luxury to pick and choose my battles. When I received my first topic, I could barely breathe. Banning gay marriage? It was an issue which I felt strongly against; the very notion revolted me. While I researched, I unconsciously sabotaged myself, discarding arguments out of personal vendetta. At the next club meeting, when we presented our openings, I argued with the passion and resolution of a limp balloon. The president was not amused. Even as the rest of the group progressed in fleshing out the rest of their debates, he had me polish my opening for the next three weeks. It was during these three weeks, where I was forced to constantly challenge my morals and preconceptions that I experienced a gradual change. I no longer felt despair and nausea at the prospect of arguing my topic. Instead, I had begun to feel an electric excitement. Suddenly, the artifacts of my world were no longer fixed - instead, they moved and swam in front of me. Nothing was entirely certain and anything was possible.
Three years ago, I took my first step into a world of color. Today, I still walk that path. My experiences have bequeathed me the unique gift of being able to see issues from multiple vantage points. As I move forward, I hope to be able to understand the humanity behind the issues, to be able to see and speak with them eye-to-eye, on level ground. One day, I hope to be able to honestly and earnestly embrace the colors around me.