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UC Prompt 2- A Mother's Challenge



Chelsea 2 / 5  
Nov 25, 2009   #1
This is my rough draft and any help would be greatly appreciated. Don't be afraid to give harsh critiques! Thank you! The ( ) spaces are places where I need a word to put into, except the first one where I am waiting to find the exact date.

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

"Good morning, hunny...someting terrible happened last night and its okay if you need to cry. Your grandma passed away." These are the words I woke up to on( ). People pass away, it is a natural occurence, death while sleeping caused by old age, or a heart attack is not unusual. There were other kids in my second grade classroom who had also experienced the loss of a loved one. They had not however experienced sherrifs and detectives in their homes while waking up in the morning, or seeing their mother in large color prints on the front page of The Fresno Bee, a weary looking mother that was a new sight, a mother with pleading eyes and tears dripping down her cheeks holding an old picture of their grandmother. Eventually my mother could no longer hide the newspapers articles, the television clips, or the endless detectives in our house. My mother had to tell me that my grandmother had not died of natural causes, but that she was murdered at night while working in her used bookstore, The Bookstall. The perpertrator had not left any evidence, not one finger print, having spent time cleaning up all the evidence he knew he had left. Although my mother knows this, she has never stopped searching for my grandmother's killer and continues to this day, years later to fight for justice and find who is responsible for her mother's death. She searches for new ways to solve the crime, persuing new technology, and studies that may get her just a bit closer to finding answers to her numerous questions.

Being a victim of a violent crime has made me a different person than who I would of been, had my grandmother not been a homicide victim. I am proud of my mother's endless pursuit to find answers to her endless questions. Through my mothers extreme example of how one never stops striving to find answers regardless of how troublesome and daunting (or distressing?) a situation may be, has left an impact on how I approach challenges that I am faced with. I know my mother has gone through one of the most challenging experiences a person can experience, yet to this day she lives a happy, fullfilled, and succesful life. With every challenge I am faced with I know I will be able to get through it, if my mother can have a happy ending to a ( ) challenge that very few people experience, leaves me knowing that I will get through my challenging experience; whether it be studying for a final exam, loosing a job, or just having a rough day. My mother has left me with this quality and I could not be more proud since it comes directly from her.

carolinetu 1 / 3  
Nov 26, 2009   #2
i think you can try to structure it a little bit as separate it into several paragraphs. Make it look more terse and vigorous.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Nov 28, 2009   #3
Strong beginning, I like this essay so far... sad.

I'm sorry it took so long to get to you! I hope you haven't given up on us! Some people look at other people's essays and give ideas, and then they ask that person to return the favor. That is one way to get more help and ideas.

Oh, I see that it is even sadder than I thought. Maybe this essay is too important to be used as an admissions essay; it is an important documentation of a child's perspective on this uniquely terrible kind of situation. I hope your family has been strong throughout the experience.

With this essay, I think you need to change it so that you focus equally on the experience and on your vision for the future. Your vision for your academic and professional future is part of the "person you have become."

"Good morning, honey... something terrible happened last night, and its okay if you need to cry. Your grandma passed away."

People pass away, it is a natural occurence, death while sleeping caused by old age, or a heart attack is not unusual.

...studying for a final exam, losing a job, or just having...


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