What motivates you to seek admittance to a Service Academy and your career plans in the military?

Please help me revise/change/ or give input on my essay for a nomination to a service academy. I'm applying for both the USMA and the USAFA.

Prompt: Why do you want to attend a service academy?/ What motivates you to seek admittance to a Service Academy and your career plans in the military?

Thank you!!

Freedom is a beacon of hope to those people who are unable to enjoy the privileges that Americans have in this country. However, the cost for freedom is not free. Attending a service academy will provide the opportunity and privilege of serving my country and ensure safety and freedom of our great nation, and for the world.

911 is unquestionably the most tragic act of terrorism to happen on American soil. Although I was only four years old at the time, this event has left a lasting impact on me in several ways. I recently visited the Flight 93 National Memorial in Shanksville, Pennsylvania, with my classmates on a spiritual emphasis retreat. Visiting this memorial gave me a realistic viewpoint of the 911 tragedy. The plane crashed less than two hours from where I live. Particularly sobering was seeing the name of a woman passenger who was pregnant. My own mother was pregnant with my younger brother at that same time. Issac was born in November of 2001; that unnamed baby did not have the privilege of birth. Engraved in the grey, granite wall is "Lauren Grandcolas and unborn child" is a somber remembrance of this horrific calamity.

Terrorism still surrounds us and its threat to rises through the radical movements of those who hate America's freedom. More recently in 2013, the Boston Marathon bombing became another example of the possibility of terrorism on American soil. That attack occurred during my sophomore track season. Being a runner myself, I cannot even begin to imagine the horror of the sound of the blasts and sight of the chaos inflicted not only on runners but on bystanders as well.

The difference between the 911 attacks and the Boston Marathon bombing is the fact that the Boston bomber was a naturalized United States citizen. Individuals who become Americans take the Oath of Allegiance in which they swear to "support the Constitution and obey the laws of the U.S., renounce any foreign allegiance and/or foreign title, and bear arms for the Armed Forces of the U.S. or perform services for the government of the U.S. when required." Obviously, this oath was grossly disregarded .Terrorist ideals have infiltrated American society; even American citizen can be suspect. This points to a dire need for security in our country as well as abroad.

These acts of terrorism targeted instilling fear and panic throughout American communities. Currently, our nation is experiencing attacks aimed at civilians in the recent attacks by the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS). Yet, bombs and terror cannot destroy the American way of life or our resolve. We are courageous people who stand for freedom and with the help of God, we can bring peace to our nation and to humanity.

Defending this freedom are the soldiers who fight to protect the privileges and opportunities only found in the United States of America. I want to join these men and woman who by their service make a difference. Attending a service academy will fulfill my ultimate aspiration of becoming a leader who will shield innocent victims from terrorism as I help promote unity among the countries of this earth.

America, I have some further points for paragraph discussion and development pointed out below. Don't worry about any word count at the moment, we can cut it down once we are sure that the content of the essay answers the prompt.


- You talk about the cost of freedom not being free. What is the cost of freedom then? In your opinion, what kind of payment for freedom can a person give in exchange for freedom? Work on an answer gearing towards service to the country in defense of freedom in order to create a motivational answer within your introduction. Make sure it relates to your motivation to enroll in the service academy.

- It would be best to combine the visit to the Flight 93 shrine and the Boston Bombings. Scale back on 9/11 a bit because you were too young to remember anything and thus, can't really have a full understanding of the events other than what the history books tell you. Concentrate on the latest act of terrorism that took place at the Boston Marathon instead. You speak of naturalized American citizens, can I assume that you are not a citizen by birth of the United States as well? If you are not, if you are a naturalized citizen or an immigrant, offer a strong point of view about freedom in the United States and how you have come to understand and wish to defend the freedom given to you by the country that trusts you to become American by defending its sovereignty and keeping all its citizens safe more than anything else.


- What motivates you to want to become a military officer? How can the service academy help you achieve those goals?

- Do not provide any information that is not being asked for by the prompt. The admission officer only wants to read about your reasons for being admitted into the service academy and what you military plans are. This is a civilian plan and therefore has no place in a military plan essay.

America, let's try some of my suggestions to improve the paper.


- Freedom comes at the cost of self-sacrifice. For our world to remain free, a few brave souls, the soldiers of freedom, the American soldier, put their lives on the line so that America and the rest of the world can remain free from the fear of terrorists. As Gen. Douglas McArthur once said...

- believe that by opening your essay this way, you answer the question posed.



- ... unborn child, a somber ...


- Good decision. When in doubt, you can always skip information. Specially if it is not truly required to complete the essay.


- Why do you want to become an officer? What makes it so special for you? Can't you do the same as simple a rank and file solider?


- Your mission is not clear. Do you want to be a follower or a leader? Your mission should only be one. Rather you should say "Enrolling in the academy will ensure that I will become one of the greatest military generals on the battlefront in the future." or something to that effect.

Can you try my revision suggestions and let me know if you are okay with it? I really think my suggestions will help but the final decision is yours.

America, you have improved this essay immensely. I just have a few more suggestions relating to revisions to make below.



- even American citizens are suspect.


- How about talking about the responsibility of natural born leaders to help keep the United States and other countries safe from terrorism? You said so yourself, you are a natural born leader. Insert this discussion as part of the introduction. That way you clearly state the reason for your motivation to attend the service academy and your career plans. The motivation? Natural born leaders should do their part in leading the soldiers of the country towards the complete defeat of terrorism domestically and internationally. This not only proves patriotism, but that natural born leaders recognizes that without proper leadership, no military force can defeat an unseen enemy. Do you want to try that and see if we can make it fit the prompt?

Aside from those few notes and suggestions, the essay is looking good. I believe it will only look better once the suggestions have been applied :-)

Some last minute changes. Just simple revisions. Nothing major :-)


- use the plural form, citizens.


Apply these corrections and, I believe, that the essay is now good to go. Don't take my word for it though :-) If you feel comfortable with the essay and strongly believe that there is nothing else you want to add or improve upon, then go ahead and submit it :-) Good luck with your application!

thank you sooo much!!