Could you please review my VT app essay. I think it is pretty good, but any feedback would be greatly appreciated. The prompts are provided before each of the two essays. They are 200 words max each.
If there is something you think would be beneficial for the Admissions Committee to know as we review your academic history, please take this opportunity to explain. (200 words max)
New places and new faces are common sights to the eyes of a military kid. In my moves around the world, I have cultivated many friendships and had to let go of others. In my four years as a high school student, I will have attended three high schools, all of which had unique communities and characteristics. Because of moving to these various communities, I have learned to adapt quickly to new communities, to make new friendships, and to jump in and get involved in any place. These moves have also caused academic challenges. Each school has been very different, and each school has required that I adapt to their system and curriculum, with some schools' curriculum being ahead or behind other in some subjects. In one school, because of moving late, I started the school year two weeks late and I did not have the connections to be able to get work ahead of time. These moves as a military child have made my academic career more difficult, but I have overcome. I have learned how to adapt to new systems and become a part of the community. (189 words)
Our motto is Ut Prosim (That I May Serve). Comment.
At face value, Ut Prosim means that one should volunteer and serve their community, but Ut Prosim can mean so much more. Ut Prosim means aligning your own unique talents, abilities and skills with the needs of others selflessly and to go beyond "standard" community serve. This helpfulness should be extended outside of any campus or school function and into one's everyday life. Ut Prosim can be as simple as a small random act of kindness or it can be a large service organization. I live Ut Prosim in my life through my selfless community service. Throughout high school, I have gone far beyond the minimum number of service hours in order to help my community. My parents, teachers and scout leaders have shown me the importance of volunteering by the importance they place on it themselves. Through them, I have learned that service can lead to a fulfilling lifestyle. I want to continue my service thought my life and I feel this makes me a good candidate for Virginia Tech, because Tech has many service opportunities that I can participate in. Ut Prosim is more than a phrase; it is a lifestyle. (193 Words)
Thanks,
Nigel
These moves as a military child have made my academic career more difficult, but I have overcome"
I would rewrite the "but I have overcome" it sounds in complete.
In the second you say "standard communtiy serve" I think you meant "service". I think your phrase "Ut Prosim is more than just a phrase it's a lifestyle" should go at the beginning. It catches the person reading attention and it goes well with your explanation of your service lifestyle. I think they know it can mean more because they are asking people to comment on it, and your last phrase gets right to the point of what you are talking about.
I feel like in the Ut Prosim essay, you should make it more personal and meaningful. For example, instead of just saying you exceeded the SSL requirement, tell them how you did it, and make it more connected to Virginia Tech.
In one school, because of moving late, I started the school year two weeks late, and I did not have the connections to be able to get work ahead of time.
The beginning of the sentence is slightly awkward. Also, you might want to think of your word choice with the word "late;" it sounds kind of redundant. And maybe you don't want to say that you didn't have the connections to get work ahead of time, but something more along the lines of being behind everyone trying to catch up? Just a thought.
For your Ut Prosim, try talking about one particular experience or something that would make you really stand out. Just saying you're great at it will make you sound like every other candidate.
