'Moving my body' - USC Writing Supplement : activities

Please tell me if the essay is too short or not academic enough. Any criticism will help!

In a short paragraph, please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences.
First, second, third, fourth, fifth position, arms and legs together. Simple movements one connected to the other in a flowing motion. Dance is to me, like oxygen is for any other person in the world, my body moves almost automatically, following the song, and my mind drifts away. It travels to a place where all my troubles fade, while my feet points and my leg lifts itself straight up into the air. After every hour of practice my body adjusts a little more, my leg lifts a little higher, my splits go a tad further, and my arms loosen. In every movement I express myself more, I let all my colors show and it comes to a point where my body speaks, my mouth, shut.

Hello,

Pretty good essay here. I like how you take the reader through your thoughts and feelings without trying to be overly dramatic. The only thing that I did not understand was the first sentence..."First, second, third, fourth, fifth position, arms and legs together" Is this what the dance instructor is saying as you dance or are you thinking this in your head? You should try to clarify this if possible. - Admissions Advice Online

Hope this helps.