Dear all, this is an essay for my common app.The ques is any topic of my choice. Pls do help me to edit and improve it. All help will be appreciated. Especially grammatically. Pls help! thanks.
18-inch by 24-inch, with flat base and sides and typically rectangular in shape. This describes one of the objects that strike much fear in many of us: a moving box. Despite their (deceptively) innocuous appearance, we are heavily disturbed by the thoughts of packing up our life and fitting it into these standardized moving boxes. This is because a moving box is not just simply a moving box but instead, it is a symbol of change, of instability as well as of uncertainty and as creatures of habit, we are genetically programmed to resist this object that aids in uprooting us from our comfort zone.
Moving boxes have appeared no less than 9 times in my nineteen years of life, each time signifying all of the emotions that attack other creatures of habit. But I am an old hand at this and I know the drill. Upon discovering these seemingly feared objects around my house, I will go in search of durable cardboards and use it to wrap all my precious books in order to protect them from all elements including rain, dust and the movers' inevitable perspiration. The wrapped and secured "Complete Works of Shakespeare" always goes into the moving box first because of its sheer size. Next will be the other hardcover books like the beloved "Jane Eyre" and the much-read "Fahrenheit 451". My paperbacks then complement these boxes (all my books can not possibly fit in just one box).
On the day of the move itself, these brown monsters can be seen everywhere, all taped and with "fragile!" strewn all over them regardless of their contents, especially in arms of strapping strangers in blue overall uniforms that become friends and allies after a full day of exertion caused by moving tens of boxes containing a lifetime of laughter, tears, successes, heartbreaks, memories and stories. The very end of this process comes when I assiduously unpack my life from these moving boxes and put away these useful and well-meaning but ill-fated objects. In the garage, the moving boxes will lay dormant and passive before they once again attack in the near future and strike uncertainties in my heart.
However for all the uncertainties the moving boxes and the striking of yet another passé street name bring, I have never fear them. Instead, I have long since learnt (after perhaps my third encounter with the moving boxes) that a home is not defined by the four walls, the picket fences, the childish markings on the wall, the familiarity with the creaks of the stairs or the absence of moving boxes but rather the strength of the occupants of the home as well as their love and appreciation for each other. I have also come to discover that, sometimes, objects have no meaning other than that that we attach to it and maybe for once, just this once, a moving box is just a moving box, nothing more nothing less.
I like the last sentence, it's a cool concept. You have some grammar issues though so be sure to re read it. Please check out my NYU one! Thanks!
Can someone pls help me point out my grammar mistake? This is my blind spot. pls help!
objects that strike much fear in
as well as of uncertainty and as creatures of habit. We are genetically programmed to resist this object that aids in uprooting us from our comfort zone.
But I am an old hand weird idiom
durable cardboards better word for this
My paperbacks then complement these boxes (all my books can not possibly fit in just one box).doesn't make sense
On the day of the move itself, these brown monsters can be seen everywhere, all taped and with "fragile!" strewn all over them regardless of their contents, especially in arms of strapping strangers in blue overall uniforms that become friends and allies after a full day of exertion caused by moving tens of boxes containing a lifetime of laughter, tears, successes, heartbreaks, memories and stories.WAAAAAAY too long
I do not fear them.
long since learned (after perhaps my third encounter with the moving boxes) that a home is not defined by the four walls, the picket fences, the childish markings on the wall, the familiarity with the creaks of the stairs or the absence of moving boxes , but rather the strength of the occupants of the home andwell as their love and appreciation for each other.
Also, you use boxes a lot (obviously) so try to find different ways to say it or avoid using it at all. You also use the striking/attacking metaphor a lot; cut it back a little. I hope this helped.
...one of the objects that strikes much
, of instability,
Moving boxes have (has) appeared
Instead of "9", write "nine"
all of the (use "every"?) emotions that
Upon discovering
I will go in search of durable cardboards and use it (them)
Titles of books should be italicized or underlined.
street name bring, I have never feared them.
but rather through the strength of the occupants
You need to seriously revise some of the grammatical issues here. I pointed out the most obvious ones.
I really liked some of the ideas you talked about in your intro! Nice essay overall, interesting topic.
I really like your last sentence! Anyways, nice job and nice themes throughout your essay, I really liked it. It would be much appreciated if you could checkout my essay!
This is a wonderful, beautiful essay. I can see a lot of emotion in it!
Perhaps, if you can, you can emphasize your personal growth a bit more! I read a lot about how uncertain you felt during moving, but how about how you came to accept that moving is just moving, and your family is what really matters?
your essay is awesome. your emotion is apparent, which will keep the AOs interested. i like it :D
This is a very good idea, but if somehow you could use more emotion, this essay could stand out more and show more you. I see you've moved a lot, but I cannot grasp the impact this moving has done to you as much as I should.
Good Job! its a good essay with a lot of emotion!
I think you need to find some other ways to say moving box..because i feel its becoming too repetitive. Also, elaborate more in your conclusion and what it has taught you, thats what they wanna see more
