'Moving to Cambridge; people were different' - common app

English is my second language so i need a lot of help.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from Addis Ababa to Boston. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax..." as soon as I heard this I knew my life was going to change forever. It was the point that I realized my life was not going to be the same any more. It was the transition point that I had to accept even though it was hard to do.

So... You are coming back right? ...right? It was hard to let go. Everything went fast, and I had no time to think things through or to say good bye. But I just have to be stronger, or at least that's what my dad said. "Things are going to change but you will do fine, you just have to be stronger,." my dad told me. I know I have to be stronger. I know things don't always stay the same. But it isn't easy when you just fly far from where you lived your entire life and wake up at place you never been before.

That first Monday was going to be a big day; not just the beginning of the new school year but also the start of my new life: freshman year of high school in Cambridge, Massachusetts, 6788 miles away from my old little middle school. As I arrived at school, most kids seemed to know each other, but I knew none of them. Everything I saw and heard was new. People were different. Even the weather seemed strange. I didn't seem to like any of it. I couldn't get used to it. Growing up, I only lived in one place --, one place where I knew everything and everyone. Going to the same school with the same students my entire life just makes adapting to new things harder. But I knew that if I have am going to get throw through this change I had to be stronger.

I don't know how to connect these two paragraphs
Since moving to Cambridge I have matured (state how). Off course it is still a new place for me but I realize now that it the move was something I needed in my life. I needed to be able to learn to adapt to a change. I can feel myself maturing, facing new challenges every day. I became stronger as my dad said. Most of all I have learned how to be independent from all the familiar things I had always been with. In some ways I feel like a new person. Even though I miss a lot of things from back home, this life is part of me now. I have learned so many things about myself facing different challenges of adapting to a new culture and a new place.

the two lines here mean the same and hence sound a bit repetitive... Combine them and make one strong sentence;
hearing this announcement, I realized that my life was going to take a new turn and everything would be changed soon .


----- this is ok :)


Take off the sentences that speak of the same idea. When you repeat the same idea again and again, the reader would be bored. The reader looks for something new always :D

thank you so much for the comments dumi., here i added a little more on the last paragraph
Since moving to Cambridge I have matured in so many ways. I realize that the move was something I needed in my life. I needed to be able to learn to adapt to a change. I can feel myself maturing, facing new challenges every day. This experience influenced me to be a respectful and humble person because they are essential ingredients for making new friends and adapting new changes. I became stronger as my dad said. Most of all I have learned how to be more social to my fellow classmates and total strangers, and independent from all the familiar things I had always been with. In some ways I feel like a new person. Even though I miss a lot of things from back home, this life is part of me now. I have learned so many things about myself facing different challenges of adapting to a new culture and a new place.

Hi Withnati,


how about new environments? I mean instead of change! : ) If you dont have a problem with your word count, you can even say;
In today's dynamic world, you need to adapt quickly to the changing environments. With this move, I learned to adapt; I became a more humble and a friendly person as those are the essential ingredients for being successful in adapting to new environments; I became more sociable and confident to take up new challenges. Yes, as my father acknowledges, this move made me become a much stronger personality than what I was earlier; an over protected girl.

The above is my suggestion for your last para... : )

thanks again dumi , really apreciated it , but what would you change the last sentence of your suggestion to if i am a guy. :)

Ohhhhhhh.... OMG!

Extremely sorry.... I thought you are a girl :D ...LOL

This happens to me quite often and in fact some think I'm a man too .... :D

Yes, as my father acknowledges, this move made me become a much stronger personality than what I was earlier; a man who could stand on his feet without depending on others for help.

Hope you like this :D

" "So... You are coming back right? ...right?" It was hard to let go. "

It would be nice if you could establish some kind of context for this sentence. Who is speaking?

In addition, I think some examples or stories of how Ethiopian culture differs from American culture would be very interesting and might add some more depth to your essay, as well as a more personal touch.

However, I enjoyed the last paragraph about how you have matured since your time in America.

Best of luck to you!

Just make sure the tense you use is consistent throughout. There are a lot of instances where you use the present "have" and the past "had" in the same sentence which makes the timeline of the story a bit confusing.

Otherwise it's a good essay!