Moving into a country of unfamiliar traditions and eccentric society, my family faced a lot of challenges. The cultural shock that we received was truly inevitable, however, the most important and consternating challenge was the perpetual chase for a job. Adding onto that challenge was the linguistic provocations that they faced. However, it was these challenges that provided me with the determination and dedication to work hard in school and establishing myself as an ambitious person.
The toll of the cultural defiances was quite high on my parents. Despite having a good English language background, they had to go through the hardships of understanding and interpreting the American English. Communicating in English is a crucial requirement in order to live in the United States. Therefore, my parents were subconsciously forced to take ESL classes and learn about various unfamiliar responsibilities concerning health care, housing and bills. Yet, they kept a positive attitude and had hope for the future.
As the savings from our country ran low, it became obligatory for my parents to look for jobs. Being the head of a large industry, my father had a rough time settling in for a mediocre job. The same goes for my mother, who being a housewife for most of her life, had trouble adapting to the arduous labor life of the United States. Both of them had a rough time finding a place to work due to their English problems and when they did find one, it would often prove to be too strenuous for them. Consequently they would come home late and would be subjected to only 4 hours of sleep.
Reflecting upon my good economic situation back in my country, I sometimes look them into the eye and ask them questions like, "Why are you doing this to yourself?" and "Do you really have to go through all this?". Then they answer with a smile on their face, "It's all for you and your future". Even though I knew that the main reason I came here was for a better education, I never knew that the obstacles that they had to go through would be so burdensome.
And yet they smile, laugh and feel satisfied that altleast I will have an erudite and bright future. Their positive attitude in life despite the harshness that it conveys, taught me to be always be optimistic and gave me the determination to work hard in school. They taught me how life is a pursuit of happiness with an apparent combination of audaciousness. Therefore, attaining that unification is my lifelong goal.
"Taught me to be always be optimistic"
I think that can be phrased differently.
It is a lovely story,great vocabulary and well written,but at the end of it I know more about your parents and very little about you. In fact the last few bits that are about you feels like you squeezed them in. So I think you should try and cover your parents struggles within the introduction and then utilize the rest of your essay to demonstrate how these challenges have impacted your life and how you have dealt with that. Within that, I think you can beautifully show the type of diversity you offer as a somebody whi has had too infiltrate themselves into American culture while going through some very hard times.
I absolutely love your story though and I believe that of you say more about yourself it will far much more personal,thus leaving a more lasting impact
I hope I get to read your revised version!
Here is the new one. I made some major changes.
Time was running out as the sun shone it's last glimpse of the day. It was my serve and match point for the opposing team. My hands were shaking due to fatigue and longevity of the match. As I toss the ball, I look into the eyes of my parents that were filled with confidence. Then I say to myself, "I came this far, I will go all the way" and serve. "Ace" yells my teammates as I prepare for my next serve. My feet were shaking with exhaustion and my shirt, drenched in sweat. Yet I smiled with confidence and optimism, determined to show the fruits of my hardwork. That earnest desire to not fall on my feet eventually led me to win my last psal tennis match of 2012. Infusing these ideals of determination, optimism and tenaciousness towards my goal, is my family and the struggles that they faced while living in the United States.
Moving into a country of unfamiliar traditions and eccentric society, my family faced a lot of challenges. However, the most consternating challenges were their perpetual chase for a job and the linguistic provocations that they faced. Communicating in English is a crucial requirement in order to live in the United States. Therefore, my parents were subconsciously forced to take ESL classes and learn about various unfamiliar responsibilities concerning health care, housing and bills. Both of them had a rough time finding a place to work due to their English problems and when they did find one, it would often prove to be too strenuous for them. Usually they would come home late and would be subjected to only 4 hours of sleep.
Despite these harsh living circumstances, they would smile, laugh and feel content about their life and mine. So, it got me wondering, what is it that fuels their happiness and allows overcome their struggles?. The answer lied in their actions and their faces. They had hope and believed in themselves about having a better future. My future. They see their struggles as ladders and ledges to the mountain of success. They climb that mountain with ease, despite how deformed that mountain may be.
These ideals that were disclosed to me due to life's struggles, ignited the very determination, optimism and tenaciousness that allowed me to win my tennis match. It added onto my dedication in school and made me work really hard. As after all, if they could go through so much in climbing that mountain, why can't I lend them a hand and alleviate their struggle in climbing it.
This mutual understanding of one another gave me the confidence to encounter and overcome on the edge situations like the tennis match. Through their confrontation of their challenges, my parents also taught me how life is pursuit if happiness with an apparent combination of audaciousness. Therefore, attaining that unification is my lifelong goal.
Hey there.
I think you've made sufficient progress with this essay and I feel that with all the effort you putting into this essay,you will definitely reap successful results. So here are my thoughts (all my corrections are the stuff in capital letters):
1. You keep on jumping tenses. From past to present and vice versa. Eg : "my hands WERE" but then you change to present with the words "toss" and "LOOK into the eyes..." And "I SAY to myself"
Those are all in the present tense and don't match with the past tense that you started with
Also with "YELLS my teammate" which is present tense,then you immediately switch to past when you say, "my feet WERE shaking".
I think its easier to keep the entire essay in the past tense,but that depends on what's comfortable with you. So decide on which tense you will write in and maintain it throughout the whole piece
2. "Look into the eyes..." Try saying : I stole a glance into ...
3. I am not sure about the last sentence of the first paragraph : "infusing...States". You loose me when from the words "is my family...".
I'm not sure what you trying to say (or I'm just not reading it correctly).
But here's a suggestion to consider : "infusing my determination...teneciousness is how I intend to attain my goals. All while facing the struggles of infiltrating into the American lifestyle/society with a poor family.
4. "A country OF" should read "a country with...AN eccentric"
5." The most consternating CHALLENGE IS their.."
6. "Communicating in English...United States" I don't think its necessary to mention this,so you might want to think of possibly cutting it out and instead say something like : "forced to take ESL..."
7. They had hope and believed in themselves".
Try: they HAVE hope and unconquerable FAITH. Hope that we will have a brighter future and faith that I will be the one to bring about that future.
8. Your vocabulary must be consistent. So instead of "made me work really hard" Try : propelled me to initiate an inexorable effort and dedication towards my academic endeavors.
9. "Through THE confrontation of their OWN challenges"
10. "Life is PREDOMINATLY A pursuit of..."
11. I don't what your word limit is,but try to keep it within 500 words.
Again,there is still too little about your struggles. When you mentioned how your parents would work till late, I was expecting you to shed more light on how that impacted you. Perhaps it made you more independent and resourceful, if it did then talk about it.
You talk of your parents struggles with integrating into American society. What about your struggles with that? How was high school for you as someone who wasn't born in the USA? What did YOU experienced? And has it impacted YOU? Did it make you more resilient,adaptable,a better communicator ? Talk of your strong traits that developed from your struggles.
The essay is only about you,so when you mention your parents and their struggles mention it within the context of your own struggles. So tell us how you were affected or strengthened by the hardship experienced by your parents and how all of that makes you unique!
There are a few grammar mistakes here and there, but the structure is good. I think before you write it again you should compile a list of the 2 or 3 most important things that you want to discuss and then let your essay develop around those main points.
You still made a lot of progress with this essay and I think you closer to making it perfect. Let me know if you need more help.
I hope this was helpful,though.
Remember to get a second opinion!
Goodluck!
Thanks a lot phoebe. This really helped me and made me realize where I went wrong. I just wanted to get through in the main ideas of my essay, so I didn't really bother about the tenses and grammar haha. Anyways, yes your are soo right on!! I will work on it as soon as possible. If your need help with anything else then just let me know. :)
Hey,
I'm glad I could help you!
And I understand that you hadn't edited tense and grammar,lol,you should read the 1st drafts of my essay,even I struggle to understand myself,lol
I will be posting my Common Application essay very soon,I'd love it if you gave it a look and feel free to tear it apart,I need all the help I can get.
Kind regards,
Phoebe
So ya I included my struggles as needed. Still thinks it needs a final improvement. Hope u like it.
Thanks a lot phoebe. You are the bestttt. I am applying to a lot of the ivy schools including yale, but like for now my college advisor wanted me to fill out the cuny honors applications, which had two essays in it. One of them was this where they ask you for a family struggle that you faced and how it impacted you. Anyways, I am going apply for a physics major as I absolutely adore science. My commonapp essay is pretty much about science and my connection with it.lol
Considering how well you edit and write, I just can't wait to read your essay. Like I can feel that its gonna be one of those essays that are used as an excellent sample haha.
Thanks again Phoebe :)
Lol, I don't know how good my essay is (and now that you've put pressure on me I might not upload it...lol,just kidding)
I'm applying to just about all the Ivies except Cornell,Brown and Penn.
YALE is my fav of them all,I'm sO in love with that school it truly will be my New Haven. I'm applying for a history and literature major. Those majors aren't common here in South Africa,so I'm really hoping that YALE accepts me!
Wow for all you know we might just meet at Harvard or Yale or even Princeton!
haha yea we might. My favorite ivy is Columbia. Its just perfect for me. It's close to my house and has all the things that I need. And don't worry you will get into one of the ivy's
OMG,you live in NEW YORK!!!!
That is such a dream for me and I'm hoping that the first time I land in the US it'll be at JFK!
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