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Moving to new places has helped me be the person I'am today - Common App essay



marvi92 3 / 5  
Jan 1, 2011   #1
Hey guys!
This my crappy first draft for the common app. I' am really close to the app deadline and i need help urgently. Please feel free to criticize my essay and give suggestions.

I resented my parents. How could they be so heartless? My parents had announced to me their decision to move to a new place. "But it's my senior year", I whined for the millionth time. My dad had been offered a new job which meant that I would have to go to a new school. I spent hours feeling sorry for myself at the thought on not being able to graduate from high school with the people I had gotten to know.

This was not the first time I was moving to a new place. Growing up, I had moved around a lot. My whole life, I had been moving from one apartment to another, switching schools frequently. I had been the new kid so many times that I started to feel that I might be stuck with that label forever. It was not easy being the new kid and nobody knew that better than I did. I had switched schools so frequently that I would joke with my friends how my life was jinxed because I had never stayed in one school for more than two years. My whole life felt like a never-ending train ride. In my short life of 17 years, I had lived in so many different places that I often felt that I do not belong anywhere. The hardest part was leaving behind friends and having to start all over again in a new environment where I didn't know a single soul.

During my freshman year of high school, I moved to United States. This move was perhaps the most significant because unlike other places I had been to this was a completely new world for me. The whole culture was foreign to me. I had moved thousands of miles away from instead of moving from one city to another. I remember the first day at high school, sitting alone at lunch, feeling that I would never fit in anywhere.

Moving is hard but I have discovered that in many ways it has helped me become the person I 'am today. Moving to all the different places has brought me in contact with so many cultures and different people. Most importantly, by learning to adjust in all the different places, I have grown in to a more resilient person.

In the end, I don't resent my parents. I realize that their decision to move was made out of the right intentions. As my parents, they are always looking for something better for their children and I 'am grateful to them for that. So after a week of whining and angry glares, I give my parents a break and start preparing to move once again. Moving to a new school during my senior year is tough. But I' am determined to overcome any challenges that come in my way and make the best of my senior year.

P.S: this is not my final draft. I know this needs a lot of work. This is just kinda the basic idea of how my essay will look like. I would really really appreciate any suggestions. Thanks in advance!

SmileyMan 1 / 3  
Jan 1, 2011   #2
You need to include more about how moving helped you become you. Also, your conclusion is very weak. I would scrap the part about not resenting you parents.
budboi 1 / 4  
Jan 1, 2011   #3
Since you began with the part about your senior year moving and went all the way back to your past movings and then again fast forwarded to your present situation, the reader would feel that the essay could have been more organised. So, in my opinion, it would be better if you started from the past and continued towards the present situation.

Here are a few more helpful tips to help you with your final draft. Good luck.

I often felt that I did not belong anywhere. - felt works better with past tense of do.

I had moved thousands of miles instead of moving from one city to another.

I remember my first day at high school - using MY here makes the reader feel more connected.

I realized - in place of realize

As parents, - in place of As my parents because you're relating to something general in the later part of that sentence.


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