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Music and International Business communities at Penn -


z4evafoolz 7 / 31  
Dec 28, 2009   #1
Hey guys,

I have finished writing the Penn supplement requirement essay... But im having trouble with the introduction... Can anyone give me some ideas on how to write an introduction for this essay?:

Since the beginning of high school, I have unnoticeably built a love for music, and the gap between us only got closer and closer progressively. I look to pursue this attraction to music in the University of Pennsylvania as an undergraduate. There are many musical communities that I can participate at UPenn, and I can contribute to them in many different ways. Penn Symphony Orchestra is something I could partake with my 12-year experience on the piano. I jolted when I heard that Penn's Orchestra previously performed my favorite classical music: Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake. A Penn Rock Band is something I could create with my passion for the guitar, the drums and my culturally unique style of composition. Penn Symphony Orchestra is something I could partake with my 12-year experience on the piano. I have also heard about the PennJazz. Learning jazz -- one type of music that I did not pursue during high school -- at UPenn is also an opportunity that I would like to pursue.

With the help of my experiences, my passion for musical instruments, and my creativity, I can contribute to the larger Penn community. I have composed a diverse range of songs throughout my high school life, most of them performed by me and my closest friends in small events. I am willing to help middle or high school students with compositions, or maybe even teach them directly how to play a few musical instruments. These are two of many ways in which I can contribute to the communities of Pennsylvania.

In addition to the social communities at University of Pennsylvania, I would also like to participate in Penn international business volunteers (PIBV). Through UNESCO and International Club at high school, I have developed a strong interest in international predicaments, and I have developed a thorough knowledge about business with the help of higher level IB course: Business and Management. It is for this specific reason that I find PIBV as the most interesting academic community that I want to participate in. PIBV aims to benefit those in need outside of University of Pennsylvania by utilizing business skills. I am willing to contribute to PIBV by putting the business theories that I have learnt from school into practice. I can also contribute by participating in projects like enhancing infrastructures in developing countries with my experiences of helping those in need throughout high school.

One key component in PIBV is raising awareness about the importance of international economic development. Should I join PIBV, I wish to help raise this awareness to the larger Penn community by, for example, screening documentaries about international NGO's, or organizing a state conference about business responsibility. I can also contribute to the wider community by showing them how they can combat poverty as working professionals or globally-engaged citizens. Teaching and raising awareness, as we all know it, is ultimately the best contribution to give to anyone, including the wider Penn community.

Out of many opportunities available at the University of Pennsylvania, the musical community and the International Business Volunteers interest me the most. Through my special talents in music and the dedication and knowledge for business and international issues, I am willing to contribute to the two communities I have mentioned, to the larger Penn community, and even to developing countries and those who are in need.

Thank you :)
erinhcho 6 / 20  
Dec 28, 2009   #2
:).. happy to see you
i am korean as well!
anyway..

Since the beginning of high school, I have unnoticeably built a love for music, and the gap between us only got closer and closer progressively. I look to pursue this attraction to music in the University of Pennsylvania as an undergraduate. There are many musical communities that I can participate at UPenn, and I can contribute to them in many different ways. Penn Symphony Orchestra is something I could partake with my 12-year experience on the piano. I jolted when I heard that Penn's Orchestra previously performed my favorite classical music: Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake. A Penn Rock Band is something I could create with my passion for the guitar, the drums and my culturally unique style of composition. Penn Symphony Orchestra is something I could partake with my 12-year experience on the piano. I have also heard about the PennJazz. Learning jazz -- one type of music that I did not pursue during high school -- at UPenn is also an opportunity that I would like to pursue.

repeated sentence! and you have a lot of "...pursue"

With the help of my experiences, my passion for musical instruments, and my creativity, I can contribute to the larger Penn community. I have composed a diverse range of songs throughout my high school life, most of them performed by me and my closest friends in small events. I am willing to help middle or high school students with compositions, or maybe even teach them directly how to play a few musical instruments. These are two of many ways in which I can contribute to the communities of Pennsylvania.

My passion and creativity for musical instruments, i can contribute to the larger Penn community.
i think it will be pretty good? and you can use synonym of "contribute" for your last sentence (if you want to change it)

Also you used too much "contribute" for third paragraph too.

Should I join PIBV, I wish to help raise this awareness to the larger Penn community by, for example, screening documentaries about international NGO's, or organizing a state conference about business responsibility awkward...

okay, i don't want to see "contribute" for your last paragraph either..

HOWEVER, i really like your essay, its great! :)
hope you can get into upenn!
OP z4evafoolz 7 / 31  
Dec 28, 2009   #3
Omg i handed in the essay without seeing the repeated sentence...

EDIT: am i screwed? LOL
srandhawa 10 / 157  
Dec 28, 2009   #4
i just realized you handed this in, so i'll hold off on the feedback to improve this:)

I have read this essay before when it was less edited, and it is solid, there was an idea or two i think we agreed to disagree on but all in all it was a solid all around essay. No you are not screwed by that repetition, colleges see all kinds of mistakes in essays, you'd be surprised, happens all the time, def wont help your application but it wont hurt you as much as you think. Anyway, if you get a chance could you take a look at my essays, espec. the first one the penn one, im asking you because you give really good feedback, i trust what you have to say. Not just trying to suck up:) Thanks alot
gumdrop41 6 / 30  
Dec 29, 2009   #5
I agree with Simrat - it's just a small blunder on an otherwise really good essay. Don't worry, I'm sure admission will just wince a little and ignore it.

if you have the time, could you give me some feedback on my essays?
thanks!
Dbarrows1 - / 9  
Dec 30, 2009   #6
I think its is MUCH better than the one i helped to revise earlier. And no, one mistake wont kill you; we're all human.


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