So I just finished this essay for my transfer application for University of Texas Austin and I would definitely love some feedback for improvement since I've never written a college application essay. The topic is this: "The statement of purpose will provide an opportunity to explain any extenuating circumstances that you feel could add value to your application. You may also want to explain unique aspects of your academic background or valued experiences you may have had that relate to your academic discipline. The statement of purpose is not meant to be a listing of accomplishments in high school or a record of your participation in school-related activities. Rather, this is your opportunity to address the admissions committee directly and to let us know more about you as an individual, in a manner that your transcripts and other application information cannot convey."
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I believe that I am the inspired product of the teachings of my hardworking parents that have always pushed forth the idea that I can do much more than I believed I could. They both taught me to be efficient, caring, to never take anything for granted, and especially to never give up, no matter how bad events were.
If only I would have fully learned and grasped these concepts when I was living with them for my start in junior college, then I wouldn't have academically slipped as terribly as I did a certain point in my early college path. In the first year I was not applying great effort, made failing attempts to be more social, all while working as a fulltime server at an Italian restaurant. I was near the point of being apathetic about how I performed in school.
After realizing that I put my GPA in danger, I decided that perhaps choosing the music major path would motivate me to do better since it was a subject I loved. During my year into the major, I certainly improved in my repeated classes, but suddenly fell out of interest in pursing a music education degree. I did enjoy the journey, yet I felt it didn't fit with my personality.
However, I discovered more about myself as I mastered working while being a full-time student, became a more confident speaker in the workplace and society, and experienced the epiphany that I had a more fervent passion-a passion for mathematics. Ever since I started taking more math and science intense courses, I've developed a self-motivated ambition for such subjects and successfully aced them. I finally paved a further assuring career path into the mathematical and scientific field.
I feel that working in these fields would not only make me feel complete, but would give me the chance to help others with their problems, such as my mother who is epileptic and suffers from osteoarthritis on her left knee, my friend with an unfortunate shoulder condition or even come up with solutions that could help reduce car accidents due to weather conditions.
I am filled with more appreciation for my parents' teachings as I write this while being approximately 200 miles away from them. I've thought of my gratitude before when I was only about 40 miles away in Houston, but this substantial change of distance really hit me in the head and heart. Nevertheless, living out on my own is certainly something I am thankful to challenge, and it definitely not stopping me from refining myself, as a student and collaborator of society. I truly thank my parents for their words (and spanks) of wisdom for my improvement.
Overall, I sincerely believe through my academic and social progression that I possess the competence to achieve innovative work at the University of Texas. Even while getting used to a new environment and way of living, I hold an even higher drive to succeed as much as possible. I hope you will allow me the chance to demonstrate that I can make a positive addition within your program.
I believe that I am the inspired product of the teachings of my hardworking parents that have always pushed forth the idea that I can do much more than I believed I could.
.... This is pretty long :( ... Also, I don't really like the idea " I could do much more that I believed I could". This gives an idea that you didn't believe in yourself.
Well, it's more important to talk about how you became interested in this field and what you did to pursue your interest. You can mention about your parents' support, but the SOP is not about your parents. You need to tell them how interested you are in this field, what efforts you've made to pursue your studies in this field, how this program will be helping you reach your goals etc.
It's less than a page single spaced on word.
I do see what you mean. I guess I should have specified that I used to not have much faith in myself when I was younger. I seem to have gotten carried away with the people's advice on other sites that the Sop is about overcoming a struggle. In all honesty, I'm still undecided but I'm leaning more towards the math/science field. Should I just change it more that i'm interested in the undergrad program instead? I just wasn't sure if they'd like to read an essay for an undeclared major.
